Hey glam- I really haven't been defending myself with my H. I do my best to validate and I do tell him I am sorry that he has felt the way he has. I was getting results...things were going so well with my H but now it is almost as if he is cycling away from me again since I have barely heard from him (a couple of text messages) for the last 5 days. He has been out of town but is that really an excuse if we are really working on things the way that HE says we are.
What my H is doing is the exact reason why we are told to not have any expectations...but why a person does this to someone they supposably love makes no sense to me and it drives me crazy. I almost feel like I am an addict and I am fine as long as I get my fix on a regular basis. If I don't get my fix, I start to go through a withdrawl. Don't get me wrong, I am strong and I know I would be fine without my H...but I hate that that limbo feeling is back again.
I know I need to continue to have patience and understanding. I know I need to appreciate the baby steps my H does make...afterall, he is supposably coming over tomorrow, we have a C appointment on Weds. (he set the appointment up) and we even discussed possibly going somewhere together next weekend (but that was a while ago).
When my H backs off like this, I question if I can continue to stand. I feel like I am sucking up all of my hurt and pain while he continues to blame me for things I had no control over...and for what purpose? At times he takes some responsibility but at others it still seems to be all my fault. What happened to the partner that I had? I want him back and I wonder if he truly ever will return. I don't necessarily always like this new guy in my H's body even though I do sometimes see glimses of my old H slipping out. This new guy drinks more than he should, cusses more than I like, isn't financially responsible and he doesn't care about my feeling a lot of the time.
I have plenty to do in my life to keep me busy and my life fulfilled. I would be fine without out my H emotional and financially. Why do I get so frustrated when he backs off like this? I just really want a partner to share my life with...I believe in marriage and that it shouldn't entered into and exited from lightly. I know my H is not an emotionally well man...and I wish I could help him, but has to to be the one to help himself.
I suppose I am just having a bad day and this venting was long over due. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
