letting go

[artteach]

I am driving myself crazy, drivig my H crazy, my kids crazy and probably everyone around me. I am letting go. He is still talking to OW despite my pleadings, calm taking and everything else. I know how much my H hates to be told what to do and he keeps saying to give him time. I flat out said "she is 1000 miles away and even though you know how much it hurts me you still talk to her, what does that mean for us?" he said the usual we are just friends (BS) but I am letting go now, of it and of him. I am not asking him to leave, and not asking for a divorce, I want to save my marriage, he continues to tell me that he loves me, he made a mistake, he feels guilty, and horrible at what he has done and that he wants to stay married. She is in my thoughts too much, too much talking about when he talked to her and how long he keeps saying that when I see the phone records that I will see he will stop talking to her, when I stepped back a few days ago and did not bring it up, and then asked he said he is getting over with it. I am not sure what that means but part of me wants to keep saying STOP TALKING TO THAT WH**E ! but I can no longer pressure him into it, he has to find his own way back to me and our family if he wants to. I cannot do it for him. I can be happy, act as if everything is fine with me, play with my kids, keep my house clean, and smile. I am tired of being sad all the time, tired of thinking about her and talking about her. I have done better these past few days, bit my tounge a lot. He was out of work for two months and now is back at work, maybe that will help him. I just don't know. But I know if I don't let go of him and let him and start to live my life, I will go insane. He is working a lot of nights now (he used to in the past and I never thought twice about it) but I can't sit here and cry and worry is he talking to her now. If I don't see on the phone records that he is not stopping in the next few months, then we may have to talk and see what is what, but for now I am just going to let this play out, he knows how I feel, so that's it.