Okay, so interestingly enough I found myself in the odd position of giving a friend of mine marriage advice. Weird considering the state of my relationship, but D and I had stopped at Jamba Juice on our way to Borders to do some shopping and when I turned to get out of the car there was my friend with tears streaming down her face. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a moment so my D went and got in the car with her D so she and I could chat without young ears listening in.
Long story short my friend is a recovering alcoholic with years of issues in her marriage....her H is also an alcoholic though he functions a little more fully than friend does. Another dynamic to their relationship is that her H has low sex drive and she has high sex drive so they don't meld in that way. This friend was actually one of the people that helped me to see what I was doing to my own H by withholding sex. Anywho....my friend's family go to the river every weekend on their boat and of course alcohol is always present although friend hasn't been drinking for 22 days since she landed herself in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. The first week her H didn't drink, but after that he decided why should he have to be punished as it is HER that's sick. So, they go to the river yesterday and friend's H gets really drunk and decides he and his 12 year old D should go swimming...bottom line they both came very close to having a very serious accident so my friend gives in and starts to drink and gets very drunk.
So this morning her H gets up and tells her he's disgusted with her and he has decided they need to separate. My friend is devastated by this and she couldn't stop crying when I saw her. So, I don't know from where these words came, but things became very clear to me for her sitch and after I thought about it they probably apply to a lot of our sitchs we just don't see it because we are so hell bent on accepting complete responsibility for all the issues in our relationship when we both know it takes two to tango.
What I told her is.....since she has been working on herself and getting her own life in order she has also been working on being a better wife to H. As a result, since the only thing H had to throw in her face was that she drank yesterday (something he shouldn't really be doing either, but he isn't ready to admit that yet) he is being forced to look at himself in the mirror and see how HIS actions have contributed to their issues. Something I suspect he is very uncomfortable doing and also something I don't think he's HAD to do much since she has been accepting complete responsibility for all that is wrong in their R. It dawned on my when I was doing this that I have done the exact same thing. My H hasn't spent much time at all looking at his own actions because I was all too quick to bear the burden of our relationship failure. Maybe if I stand back be nice, wonderful, pretty but also be a secure, confident, valuable woman with a LIFE he will be forced to spend some time looking at himself and will stop helping me blame myself for everything. I think I did a pretty good job helping him convince himself that I'M the problem when in fact I'm only half of the problem. Now...I'm not saying I didn't contribute majorly I did, but I'm changing myself for the better and I deserve someone who has noticed those changes and loves me enough to cherish the fact that I realized is was high time I did change and know that I did it for the sake of a bright future and a wonderful life with our without him.
NikB...you really helped me start to see things in a different way...thank you so much. I have realized (I'm sure I'll have set backs but I'm on a roll for now) that no matter what I do during this time apart I cannot control what he's doing or thinking so why not make the best of it and become what I've always wanted to be???? Wow! It's like an out of focus picture just got clearer. Every minute I spend unhappy is a minute I spend NOT enjoying life and that is unacceptable. I cannot have a positive thought while my thoughts are negative.
