Tal, I really appreciate you and your words of encouragement. Thank you so much.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like myself when I am feeling so hurt and angry. Just when I think I'm rounding the corner, it hits me again. I want to turn the page and put this all behind me. I want to be able to forgive and lay this burden aside.
It's a long road. With God's guidance I will make it.
I went through a really, really angry phase a few months ago. It was horrible and completely out of character for me to be that angry ALL THE TIME! And, I definately took it out on stbx but I had to go through it...and, so do you.
It IS a long road but you will get through it, too and come to a better place.
NC, It is unreal how cold and uncaring the person that you loved can become. You are right, you are going to make it with God's guidance. Just continue being the best person and father you can be. It is not up to us to "punish" our WAS, let God handle your woes, he will take good care of you. Just remember to lean on him. Do not let your anger consume you, you are a wonderful person, let that person shine through.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Everybody has moments like that. I felt like that last week with the storm, just kind of moments of anger and hate toward H. I don't like feeling like that so I do pray & try to look at things positively. Like when my H is being a horrible dad, I'll think "but this is bonding the kids and I that much closer" or he is not helping me out and I have to do most stuff alone now that "it's making me a stronger more independent person", and when he's being an angry person it makes me think "life will be better soon b/c it would be hard to find a worse H" and stuff like that.
I also do think that there is a plan for your life, and things work out for the best, and that whatever happens will be good. Like this whole experience has made us stronger, healthier people. And I also feel sorrow sometimes for H. He he is losing out on somebody who would always be there for him in sickness and health, etc and someone who loves him unconditionally. Your W is doing the same thing; turning her back on someone who is a loving, dependable honest person.
I've been feeling lately like I wish this would all be over asap. But I'm thinking it helps to have time to adjust and get stronger so that part is probably good. (((((NC)))))
LO, thanks. I know something of what you yourself are going through. While my W was not/is not clergy, she is still considered by herself, family and friends to be the spiritual leader between the two of us, the one more faithful, reverent and honoring to God. Obviously I have come to know otherwise, and thus have learned a lesson on how deluded the world of Man can really be, even among those who walk with Him. I can't blame them, not all of them, for giving the benefit of a doubt to W. They cannot be faulted for their ignorance.
Still I worry (which is a weakness in my own faith that I must continue to work upon) that my sons will continue to be persuaded by the consensus, that if W is the "blessed" one, then their father must be the "guilty" one. It is certainly easier said than done, but I need to put my trust in the Lord and not worry about it.
Yoyo, thanks to you as well. I continue to stumble now and then, but faith leads me forward. The root of bitterness finds fertile ground in a prideful heart. I need to mind my humility more.
Karen, I understand the sentiment of wanting to have it all behind you. But our Lord leads us through, not around. I guess that tempers us and makes us stronger, like forging steel.
I can see in you, Karen, and everyone else here how much stronger you have become through this. Our wayward spouses may prosper in the short term, but it never lasts. They will be more the sorry for it, sadly.
NC, I hope my post didn't come off as righteous. That was not my intention. I just wanted to let you know that I think so much of you and I don't want you to let her get to you so much. Although, I know how hard that is, believe me, been there done that. You are a wonderful man don't let her convince you otherwise. It's amazing what the WAS does to our emotions and sel-esteen, again, been there done that. We are all human!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yoyo, please do not worry, I did not take your words that way. I know it was meant as a reminder to me and to others that we are all human, and we can only get through this with His help. But the next thought is that anger can be our undoing, and that is what we are warned against. There is a proper place for anger, righteous anger ("Be angry and sin no more"), if it does not come between us and the Lord.
But the anger that leads to bitterness is derived from pride. It is with good reason that pride is the most deadly of sins, it takes on so many forms.
The latest pangs of anger I've felt of late, while a part of the cyclical nature of working through this hurt and betrayal, are embarrassing to me -- and tell me that I still have a ways to go. I must not let bitterness take hold. So I replied to you with words I need to hear, more so than others.
I find the same thing, too.. that what I write to others, what inspires me to respond is often what I most need to hear, to do, to learn.
Sometimes I feel like Cassandra walking through Troy, wondering why I feel like I'm screaming in the wind. Then I realize, it's ME talking for me. Whatever it is that I'm shouting seems to be the only way I can hear it.. eventually.
Still I worry (which is a weakness in my own faith that I must continue to work upon) that my sons will continue to be persuaded by the consensus, that if W is the "blessed" one, then their father must be the "guilty" one. It is certainly easier said than done, but I need to put my trust in the Lord and not worry about it.
Yeah, I worry about stuff like that, too. Today I was talking to my D8 and she was sad we can't go on family trips together anymore (mom, dad, and kids) and she said "well, it's nobody's fault." And I told her well I don't know about that, b/c Dad having a girlfriend I don't see as blameless. I told her that I think that is wrong and I hope she never would do something like that or her husband would do that either.
I mean, I know I had my faults, esp. depression last year, but that is something which killed/ended the marriage. I don't know if I should be so honest with her, but I don't want to just brush H's A off like it is some normal, OK everyday thing. I do worry they will be kind of immoral when they grow older and stuff b/c of their dad's example, you know? I will pray about that, good idea. Karen
Thanks, Gypsy. I thought I had dropped the rope. The problem is that W keeps whipping at me with it. ( ) And then I find I've instinctually reached out and grabbed the other end of the rope in self defense.
I guess the trick is to stand back after you've dropped your end. I've found that hard to do when there are children involved however.
) And then I find I've instinctually reached out and grabbed the other end of the rope in self defense.