"The thing is, we can still be above this by having compassion."
Frank,
What are you saying when you say "we can still be above this?" This whatz? This poor treatment by our spouse?
I guess I'm confused. If love is conditional, then what would be unconditional grace and/or complassion. If my husband shuts me off, cuts me down, blames me for his rudeness everytime I speak to him on the telephone, avoids me, etc. etc., yet says he doesn't know if he wants to see me, why do I still feel so much pain?
Aren't I feeling the hurt because I love him? Aren't I trying to give him unconditional compassion by offering to give him the house after the divorce, which is what he wants? I'm at a loss as to what to do. He says he doesn't have to call me because I call him, yet I go for days and he does not call me.
As for your wife, I don't know that it hurt her to write the check. She may have done it out of unconditional compassion.
I know what you mean about seeing her. Seems just when I'm doing good and not thinking about my X I see her and it all starts up again.
This is a problem for me as well. Sometimes I think it would be nice if she would just go away until she wanted to come home. Unfortunately, with kids, that is impossible.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
frank...you will always love your W...in some way...in some different plane. Throughout time, there will probably be a small corner in your heart, reserved for her, always there.
It cannot be erased.
We learn to pack up our emotional life with them, like the wedding photos, and we box them up and put them away. There is no need to throw them out in the trash. They are part of our life...part of our history...part of our journey. They make up the threads of the life we wove together.
We learn.
We grow.
There will be more days ahead of you..and me...that are replete with pain, tears and loneliness. Still, that is life...and we move forward. The challenge, right now, despite the way that our spouse's have treated us...is to rise above it and treat them with respect..while maintaining ours. As bworl said, THEY chose to depart, not us.
So, frank, rise above. Go back to frank...strong, positive, upbeat. Remember the PDF..perhaps they ARE doing us a favor.
Strength and honor.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
What are you saying when you say "we can still be above this?" This whatz? This poor treatment by our spouse?
Yes, just because they treat us poorly doesn't mean it's ok for US to be just as mean back. I'm not saying we should be 'super duper nice', just not down in the same hole of darkenss thay are in.
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I guess I'm confused. If love is conditional, then what would be unconditional grace and/or complassion. If my husband shuts me off, cuts me down, blames me for his rudeness everytime I speak to him on the telephone, avoids me, etc. etc., yet says he doesn't know if he wants to see me, why do I still feel so much pain?
Because you believe him. Stop believing the lies he tells you. Stop fighting. When the 'rudeness' starts, do him a favor by telling him you aren't going to continue talking to him if he's going to act this way. If he keeps it up, say "I'm going to hang up now, call me back when you can be civil".
Set boundaries. He needs you to do that. Otherwise you are enabling his behavior, actually, you are encouraging it.
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Aren't I feeling the hurt because I love him?
Yes.
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Aren't I trying to give him unconditional compassion by offering to give him the house after the divorce, which is what he wants?
No. You're enabling his bad behavior.
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I'm at a loss as to what to do. He says he doesn't have to call me because I call him, yet I go for days and he does not call me.
Try going for weeks. Every time you call him it says to him that you are needy.
Drop the rope. You can do it. I believe in you.
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As for your wife, I don't know that it hurt her to write the check. She may have done it out of unconditional compassion.
When I went to church today, they have a group of prayer people who you can go talk to, have a prayer together. For the second week I decided I needed someone to help me.
I approached this one pastor who listened to my situation and the first thing he ask me is "was she abused as a child?". W was sexually abused by the neighbor kid when she was 12 and didn't tell anyone about the repeated abuse for years.
He listened to my story and said that abused people have huge trust issues. I know that I do and it took me a long time to be comfortable with my W. But, when I got beat up and knocked down years ago it was she who betrayed my trust by isolating herself from me and letting her fears take her over. That was DB #1.
I totally understand that she is a damaged person and I'm sad for her. The pastor said that 'if she is really carrying on with some guy, it's only going to last until things go wrong. Then she'll run away from that one."
I mentioned the 'crying to come clean the house' and he said that was GOOD that I let her because it allows her to briefly see the connection that she is supposed to have with her family and her husband.
But, she does have to be out of the house while she is behaving this way.
We had a prayer for healing and the pastor offered to have someone be my support contact during this journey.
A minute or so later another man came by whom I had approached last Sunday for prayer support. He remembered my name and said that he prayed for me all last week.
I started to get teary eyed because I just have a hard time believing that strangers could care enough about me to do these things.
I felt a lot less alone.
Later this afternoon D17 and her boyfriend were hanging around the house. We were talking about D13's birthday this week and D17 reminded me that my birthday is coming soon, Oct 19th. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday since I am going to turn 50.
Well, I couldn't say anything. I was thinking about how my life is right now, how I'd like my family restored for my birthday. How I would just like my birthday to pass by unnoticed.
I'm not in a pity party for myself, I just feel the hurt today. It's a holiday weekend and I'm home while W is out somewhere with someone else. I so want this to be over one way or another sooner rather than later.
The pastor and the other fellow both felt like things weren't done between W and I, they just think she is reacting to the hardships and running away hoping to find something to make her 'feel better'.
That's all fine and good but it isn't something to place bets on.
Frank, your pastor seems like a wise person. I went to the minister at our church when this all happened. He brushed me off and referred me to a marriage councellor. I was very disappointed. It was not at all what I expected from him.
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That's all fine and good but it isn't something to place bets on.
I get the impression from you that you seem to discount that your W can every change and return to a happy life with you. Why is that?
I'm sorry you are feeling down tonight. Thinking about a fmaily event liek a birthday can do that to you. I wanted nothing to do with Christmas last year and I anticipate that this year will be even worse because my W is suppose to have the kids. However, that is beside the point right now. If you need something to cher you up, go see Tropic Thunder. I laughed my a$$ off. It's nice to get away for a while.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I think she probably found writing the check to be liberating.
Just like driving the minivan and paying twice as much for gas is liberating.
Just like not being able to participate in the day to day caretaking of the kids is liberating, so much so that she begged to clean the house.
Just like realizing that the fact that she wasn't paying for car insurance or cell phone and that I was carrying that load for her was liberating.
Just like the fact that D13 treats her like S h i t when they talk is liberating.
Amy, you know I love you and I'll do anything I can to help you through your hardships in life. I value many peoples opinions on this board. Lately I've seen the majority of people coming from places of bitterness
Don't you all think that holding on to your bitterness won't eventually consume you? Sure my W is acting like a 17 year old. She isn't keeping her vows and to be truthful, I'm not even sure I want her to ever come back.
But, I'm not going to be bitter and hold on to the anger. No way no how.
I'm not going to ENABLE bad behavior, I'm not going to reward bad behavior. I'm not a doormat or a codependent. I'm a GOOD man who can FORGIVE while maintaining STRONG boundaries. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Did SHE make huge mistakes? Yes, and their because she hasn't made the choice to take responsibility for her life.
Are the rest of you men and women who keep wanting me to punish her able to do that?
No, I'm not condoning or defending her. She has done a lot of wrong to me.
But the bitterness is not going to consume me like it seems to have consumed so many who didn't heal their marriages.
She's been away from her house for 24 hours. Likely with OM having some spiritual fun. I don't condone or approve of this, and I'm moving closer to never wanting her back.
But I don't hate her, nor do I want to punish her. She will end up punishing herself. God will help.
I get the impression from you that you seem to discount that your W can every change and return to a happy life with you. Why is that?
Because this is the third time around. 1998, 2005, and now.
She has deep trust issues. When she started this last cycle, she said she loves me more than anyone she has ever known. She gave me a list of 'reasons I am special' which any other woman would have said are reasons to STAY married to me. To be my partner.
What I discount is that she will only change when life gets really hard for her. As I see it two things could happen:
1) She meets a man who is fairly complacent, has the same 'spiritual' needs / fears that she has and they feed off each other. That was what her mom did when she divorced her dad. She will be 'content' and possibly 'happy'. Perhaps that is the kind of man she needs, one who is not prone to 'high highs' and 'low lows'. She'll never be rich or have the means to REALLY do the things in her 'to do ' list. But she'll think she is happy.
2) After a few men who are like the men I describe above, she realizes that there are very few truly intuitive and spiritual men like myself. By then I will have had enough of the hurt and maybe found a woman, someone like AmyC or Spitfire who are real, mature, strong women. Someone who truly complements me. But she will see me being strong and whole again and want to be a part of that. What would I do then? It seems to me that I would want to be happy with myself and choose to let her go.
So, I don't know what will happen. What I do know is that I'm not worthless. I don't think W is worthless either. What I do know is that she doesn't value her family enough to protect it at all costs. In other words, she wouldn't take a bullet for me, the girls, or anybody.
