Only Christ managed to walk this earth and do it perfectly.
The rest of us? Well, we do the best we can.
The disintegration of a marriage and the breaking of what were thought to be lifetime vows is difficult to accept and deal with. It shakes our foundation because most of us filed our marriage away under the label "Things you Can Count On." If that one turned out to be wrong, we start to wonder how many other misfiled things there are floating around in our life.
I think that is why it is very important to keep telling yourself that the current state of things is NOT your decision. This separation is driven by a decision made by your wife. Yes, you both had plenty to do with the alienation of feelings between the two of you, but SHE is the one who decided to take back her promise and move on.
That makes this HER show.
Her actions and words are screaming at you "YOU DO NOT RUN THINGS ANYMORE." It's completely irrelevant whether you ever did or not. In the case of your wife, perception is reality. There is so much going on in her right now - anger, recapturing of unattached youth, independence, freedom, hostility.
You cannot compete with all these things that are running through her head. Your words do not get through the noise that's already there.
And the relief they give you at being able to express your frustration is short lived and only leads to deeper animosity between the two of you.
You are making decisions out of FEAR of her and her response.
Christ, our model, did not make decisions based out of fear.
Do you think, before he cleared the temple of the moneychangers, that He thought long and hard about what their response would be? Do you think he pondered whether or not his actions would cause them to become irate and hostile? No, I don't think so.
There are some RIGHT things that need done here. And her response may well be ballistic. But if they are truly RIGHT things, they need to be done and someone has to have the courage to do them.
She lacks that courage. Truth is, she is incapable of seeing beyond her next minute.
No, I'm afraid the burden falls to you Phil.
She has chosen a life apart from you. It is time for her to truly HAVE that life apart.
Things you really need to consider doing, even if you think/know it will cause her to "destroy a county in PA."
1. Establish a child custody schedule. And I would recommend doing this legally through a lawyer and the drafting of a temporary child custody agreement. It does not matter whether she wants to or not. If she has chosen to leave, the court can rule on who should have the kids and when. Then she abides by the court decision or faces a charge of contempt of court.
Phil, I know you balk at this. But your kids have been bounced around enough. More than enough. They need a schedule. And that schedule does NOT include grandparents watching them on a regular basis. Frankly, as a father myself, I would absolutely INSIST that if my spouse were unable to care for them that I got the first chance to do so.
2. Begin financial separation in earnest. This means separate insurance, separate bills, and at least beginning to think about how the two of you will choose to handle the house. Get her name off of anything that YOU are responsible for. Get YOUR name off anything that SHE is responsible for. Again, this would best be done legally.
3. The house is YOUR residence now, though both of you retain title at this point. You cannot come and go at her residence - she should not be able to come and go at yours. Particularly since she tends to come to your residence swinging and lashing out.
4. End the phone calls and text messages for good. All it does is provoke one or both of you. She should provide you with her preferred contact number and you should do the same. Contact should be limited to necessary calls only.
Phil, someone needs to begin doing these things. I'm pretty sure it won't be her.
Our job as men is to do what needs to be done to protect our family.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
