Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

Greetings, Bear;

We are way, way too much like each other, my friend. The following is advice that I give to myself regularly now, at this stage in my own SSM recovery:

First, your wife has had several years of low sex drive and hurt feelings, about both you and herself in that regard, that she is now trying to overcome and change. That change does not come easy, takes time, and backslides into old habits WILL occur from time to time. But she's still trying, and change will come eventually. So for now, every time she senses that you're feeling sexually pent up, have "waited long enough," and in response she takes Michelle's advice and Just Does It!, even if she's feeling tired or is otherwise not in the mood, then you need to accept it and Just Do It! also. It may not be the fireworks and passion that you really want from her, but it is a very loving gift to you, from her -- accept it as such. The fireworks will return some other time, believe me.

Second, one of your (our) Nice Guy traits is to never feel truly worthy, never feel 'good enough,' never feel deserving of love, sexual attraction, or passion from our wifes. And all of those years of sexual rejection simply reinforced this notion over and over again. So now that you and your wife are trying to repair your intimate relationship, both on the emotional and physical front, your natural reaction is to unconsciously CONTINUE to look for any signs of rejection, lack of interest on her part, anything that will continue to reinforce that pathogenic belief that you are still unworthy of her sexual interest. This is a form of Self Sabotage that you will have to work to stop. It's ironic that as soon as it looks like you might actually get what you want out of your relationship, and are working towards achieving it, your unconscious mind tends to go into overdrive, trying to disprove this and ruin such progress. You ARE worthy, you DO deserve to be happy, you ARE sexually attractive as a man, and your wife DOES get turned on by you. So stop looking for a cloud in a silver-lining and reading 'rejection' into her actions at every opportunity.

Third, rather than thinking that you have to play a game of one-up-manship, making each sexual encounter more exciting than the last, relax and learn how to enjoy the entire spectrum of sexual activities. Sometime it can be hard and rough, but other times it ought to be soft and gentle; sometimes slow, sometimes fast; sometimes for only a short time, sometimes you can lounge about the bed for hours. As you expand your sexual activity horizons, take full advantage of the full repertory of activities/approaches that you have at your disposal. I've talked before about catering to HER Sexual Archetype, but you also need to cater to YOUR OWN too -- sometimes you work to become her fantasy man, and sometimes you get her to be your fantasy woman.

Lastly, when the idea of 'pity sex' really bothers you and you can't see it as the loving gift that she intends it to be, then every now and then you should turn the tables and take rather than receive. That is, take her to bed entirely for your own selfish male pleasure --> don't worry about arousing her, don't worry about her pleasure and her orgasm, just do her in the manner of your choice (you've got your couple's safe-word to keep you in line). I know: this sounds rude and rather callous of me to suggest, and I wouldn't advise it to anyone else who's situation wasn't so much like my own. But this occasional approach does two things for her and two things for you. For her (1) it releases her from any pressure to perform passionately for you, pressure which will be heightened at your stage in your SSM recovery, and (2) it feeds a particularly feminine appetite to be 'ravished' that neither you nor I will ever understand, but it's still there -- done right, she'll actually enjoy the experience of servicing you. For you (1) it satisfies your immediate need for sexual intimacy, and (2) it forces you OUT of your typical "Nice Guy" mode of always worrying about, satisfying, and pleasing her. Nice Guys aren't used to being sexually ruthless and selfish this way, and I personally find it very hard to do. No, this isn't nearly as satisfying as all-out passionate sex in which both of you give and take and truly connect, but it's satisfying in it's own way, for both of you.

[And yes, I know that you've raised objections to this last idea before, and I understand them, believe me -- use your own best judgment.]

Take care,

-- B.