random Dommage

[Trixi]

Hey Dom-
I have said it before; you are very patient for doing this as long as you have.
[disclaimer-I am not in a great frame of mind, so whatever I about to say may be colored by my personal situation-end disclaimer]
If you are starting to hate her (like you warned me could happen to me w/my H) why are you choosing to keep yourself in the situation where it might totally kill off any chance for reconciliation? IOW, is it time for you to set some boundaries? If 'love is a choice', then wouldn't hate also be a choice? Kinda sounds like a Dobson letter might be in order at this juncture so that you *don't* end up hating her.

Remember Minkerman? And how when he told his wife they were "breaking up" she came around? Maybe your wife is losing respect for you because you ARE putting up with so much. I don't know-just talking out loud.

Let me rephrase all of this: You have some pretty harsh words regarding my H and he doesn't een have a GF (besides me, ha ha). You recognize that even without another person involved, I am accepting crumbs. Okay, now there is your situation-- there IS another person involved and I don't even see you getting crumbs from your wife.

You can only do what you are ready to do, but from the outside looking in, you have given her PLENTY of time and yet she pursues a relationship with someone else and in my opinion, doesn't treat you all that well.

Whatever *you* decide is right for you, I would support you. If you want to keep standing, I understand. If you are ready to give a Dobson letter, I really understand.

Keep us posted!

Oh, and here's a hug (((Dom)))

[Dom R]

Thanks Trix (tired grin)

I dunno if I have much energy left to write a dobson letter, and then wait for any length of time. [hmm. cant even find a good reference reminder what it is. Something like saying, "if you want to leave, then you are free to leave". But... seems like that's somewhat redundant in my situation. she's pretty much left, and doesnt seem to have any problems in that area?? dunno...?]

or "set boundaries".
WHAT boundaries? quit dating other guys? I wouldnt even know if she had stopped, at this point. she's quite capable of lying and hiding it. Plus, she says she doesnt want to make any kind of commitment to me. those were her exact words, a few days ago.

If I were to make decisions on MY feelings... I "feel" like starting dating now. To find someone who is nice to me, and appreciates me, and wants to be with me. As in, a serious "life partner". Someone to find, and marry, and live the rest of my life with.

I feel like I'm wasting good years of my life, that I could be having a great time building some fun and lasting memories with someone who cares about me. Instead of throwing away my life on someone who says she doesnt care about me that way, and never will again.
If I felt like she would ever reinvest in our marriage, it would be different. Then, it would be worth it, both for "the marriage" itself, and for how much it would benefit our children to not be torn between us any more.
But, after 2 years, I'm starting to believe her when she says never.
If that's really true... i dont want to waste the next 10 years of my life, trying for the impossible.
The miserable thing is, though.. i cant know if it is true.

My head is... just barely... saying that me going dating is the wrong way to go.
My feelings are saying #$@! it.

[Trixi]

((Dom))
A Dobson letter basically says "I can't have contact with you because I want to protect what little positive feelings I have for you."

But, after 2 years, I'm starting to believe her when she says never.
If that's really true... i dont want to waste the next 10 years of my life, trying for the impossible. The miserable thing is, though.. i cant know if it is true.

I'll refer you back to Minkerman's sitch-when he 'gave up', his wife came back.

Did you see the quote I posted on my thread that I took from "LoginName"s thread? Where he basically told his wife that he was going to move on- that he was in no hurry to get a D, but he needed to move on for his own sanity.

What makes you stay in your current situation? What keeps you from telling her that you are letting her go and moving on?
(Not asking rhetorically, I really want to know.)

[Dom R]

((Dom))
A Dobson letter basically says "I can't have contact with you because I want to protect what little positive feelings I have for you."

odd, i thought that was a "plan B" letter, not a dobson letter.

What makes you stay in your current situation? What keeps you from telling her that you are letting her go and moving on?
(Not asking rhetorically, I really want to know.)

Because if i change my course from where I am now, to a direction of "moving on."... once I'm fully headed in that direction, I may never decide to change back, even if she asks me to.

The part of me that cares about our family, doesnt want to go there.

[Trixi]

I suppose here it is called a Plan B. Dobson wrote a book called Love Must be Tough and he's got a copy of the letter in there. That book is excellent; he is very Christian, very pro-family and pro-marriage, but even HE doesn't think a person is supposed to "just take it".

Because if i change my course from where I am now, to a direction of "moving on."... once I'm fully headed in that direction, I may never decide to change back, even if she asks me to.

Isn't there a danger of this happening regardless? And maybe not just "regardless", but because you are keeping yourself mired in it?
Seems like there is lots of talk on this site about moving forward with your life, while still leaving the door slightly cracked.

Hey, if you got the stamina and the desire to keep on going, then by all means...
Your wife is lucky to have someone so dedicated to the family.

[Dom R]

sigh...
i'm tired. and not just because it's almost 11pm, and I have been getting less than my standard sleep, for more than a week

or maybe it is. I dunno.


I WANT TO BE HAPPY! Or at least, as happy as I can be, given the situation.
I want to be with a woman who actually APPRECIATES THE EFFORT I PUT IN to a relationship.
My wife does not appear to fit that description.
She hasnt, for over 7 years. She's done little more than complain about how SHe isnt getting what SHE wants. From children, to "not being supported with the children", to
[whatever else SHE wants to do for HER].
For over 7 years, our whole marriage has pretty much been "all about her", and what SHE thought was important.
Yet she has zero appreciation for it.
I get zero appreciation, but 100% blame. for EVERYTHING.

That's what a husband is for, I guess. 'cause after all, he's the closest person other than herself around, so clearly, it's his fault.

[Trixi]

Quote:
Because if i change my course from where I am now, to a direction of "moving on."... once I'm fully headed in that direction, I may never decide to change back, even if she asks me to.

Isn't there a danger of this happening regardless? And maybe not just "regardless", but because you are keeping yourself mired in it?

You never really answered my question.
Inquiring minds...

[Dom R]

Trixi: the danger would be "less", if I kept to my choice of not dating others.

In theory.
Although at this point, it's looking pretty extreme either way.
Tonight, she basically admitted she has had sex with someone else.
Not just "sleeping next to someone".
I knew she had at least "slept next to" someone, more than once. There was just a small question in my mind, of whether there was actual sex.

and it's fairly clear, then, that this is ongoing sex now.
With this idiot 26-year-old.. who is also still married... and 8 years younger than her.


The only remaining question in my mind of that area, is whether it was just the most recent schmuck, or whether he's the 2nd or 3rd. I'm thinking he's possibly the 3rd, actually. But now I know for sure, he's at least "one". and "one", is "one too many".
Particularly since she's still screwing him.

I'm no longer wearing my ring on my "ring finger".
wearing it on my right hand. for now.

Sad thing is, I just gone done talking to my children.. TODAY... about how we are still married, and that's why I still am wearing a wedding ring

Ugh.

I cant in good concience wear a wedding ring the proper way again. At least until such point as she might choose to apologize.

Until that time... I guess I will now have to see how I deal with the temptation of women coming on to me. sigh.