Here we go again, time for the next wild swing. I've been thinking and thinking and the more I ponder the evidence, the more I'm convinced that it has to be twisted pretty hard to not tell a story of an unfaithful wife. I think that I need to know the answer to that question.
I feel like continuing to DB in the face of probably unfaithfulness is dishonest and untimately being untrue to the new man I'm becoming. If I knew that she was faithful, I would gladly continue DBing under this heavy load. She has hurt me many times and I've hurt her many times. They pale in comparison to the pain of considering infidelity. We both always said that unfaithfulness was the one offense that would end our marriage.
If she is unfaithful, then I want for her, that she bear the true cost of her decisions, the crushing weight of responsibility and energy and time that the children and finances take. I want for me, the time to have a social life, a lessening of that crushing responsibility. I want for me, the freedom to not care with whom she is intimate except that it doesn't effect the kids. I want for me, the opportunity and freedom to experience a healthy relationship all the while desiring it with my wife.
I feel like our current situation doesn't present any opportunities for her to see that I'm moving on and that I'm doing just fine without her because frankly, right now, I'm not doing just fine without her. The load is too great and things are slipping through the cracks.
The rest of the world looks at me and sees a quality guy, W looks at me and sees a man of little or no worth. I'm starting to see in the mirror what the rest of the world sees and not what she sees.
I feel like the biggest 180 would be to serve her with D papers and pictures of her affairs. Maybe that isn't something we can say around here, I don't know. I feel like I need to have this question answered.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but, it is how I feel. I'm still going to take the family out on Monday and have a fun time. Yet, even while out with her, I will feel like I'm being untrue to myself until I know that answer.
