Thanks, Trixi....it's a marathon huh? I hate running...makes my legs hurt but I would probably better at a marathon than a sprint anyway...I might have a near death experience if I tried that. I've lost weight, but I didn't miraculously get in shape overnight
HI! You have some amazing resoures at your disposal. I went to meetup.com a while back but there's not much down here. I'd say that the best thing I ever did was join a group. The first time I went it was so awkward but everyone turned out to be super. Now when I go to the group's events they actually tell me they missed me when I didn't go previous times.
Put the DAM out of your mind long enough to let yourself enjoy life.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
H called to tell D goodnight...I went up to get her and she was konked out.
Anyway, I told H I had been thinking about how he said we shouldn't have sex anymore and I asked him if he regretted it..he responded with no...not at all...why would you say that. I said, because I feel a little embarrassed...it was very personal to me and I wouldn't share it with just anyone. So I asked him if he doesn't kiss me after because he doesn't feel close to me and he answered with "somewhat". So I decided oh well...I already brought up R talk..may as well go for the gusto so I asked him "are you afraid that if we continue to have sex I will pull you back in and then I'll turn back into my regular old bitchy self again?" He replied with "EXACTLY...EXACTLY".
Hmmmm...I'm not my regular old bitchy self anymore...hope I can show him.
Thanks, Everyone for all your words of wisdom today.
Steal away!! If my ideas fit for you, that's great. Wow.. 5?? That is GREAT!!! I am SO happy to see it.
The meetup thing... yes, it's kinda awkward at first. Just be careful and have street smarts, I promise it's not too crazy.
If you go to the "sex & the city" group I recommended... I PROMISE... no guys will show up unless you're looking for 'em.
As for the other groups, In some cases I DID meet males who were looking to meet someone new and in some cases it's ALL they wanted. But it was rare and honestly out of 10 people who showed up, it might be 1 of them and it was pretty easy to avoid. I never met any guys I chose to spend any time with beyond "we all showed up at dinner." I DID however meet some really great female friends, 3 of whom I still email and get together with regularly... and if we don't "talk" in awhile we worry about each other.
Sounding stronger, and I'm glad to see it.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I forgot to mention - on the meetups - if you are very clear in your OWN mind that you're going to make friends, not find "someone new," you'll give off that vibe pretty well. And if you run across a more clueless guy, you can simply say you're only interested in making friends. If they're still missing the point.. first off avoid them or make it clear you're NOT interested, and you can always talk about "when my H and I went on vacation" or whatever.. drop him into the conversation. Not a lot as you don't want to focus on him, but it should be enough that most would get the hint. If you're still wearing your rings, keep 'em on.. that helps too.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Okay, so interestingly enough I found myself in the odd position of giving a friend of mine marriage advice. Weird considering the state of my relationship, but D and I had stopped at Jamba Juice on our way to Borders to do some shopping and when I turned to get out of the car there was my friend with tears streaming down her face. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a moment so my D went and got in the car with her D so she and I could chat without young ears listening in.
Long story short my friend is a recovering alcoholic with years of issues in her marriage....her H is also an alcoholic though he functions a little more fully than friend does. Another dynamic to their relationship is that her H has low sex drive and she has high sex drive so they don't meld in that way. This friend was actually one of the people that helped me to see what I was doing to my own H by withholding sex. Anywho....my friend's family go to the river every weekend on their boat and of course alcohol is always present although friend hasn't been drinking for 22 days since she landed herself in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. The first week her H didn't drink, but after that he decided why should he have to be punished as it is HER that's sick. So, they go to the river yesterday and friend's H gets really drunk and decides he and his 12 year old D should go swimming...bottom line they both came very close to having a very serious accident so my friend gives in and starts to drink and gets very drunk.
So this morning her H gets up and tells her he's disgusted with her and he has decided they need to separate. My friend is devastated by this and she couldn't stop crying when I saw her. So, I don't know from where these words came, but things became very clear to me for her sitch and after I thought about it they probably apply to a lot of our sitchs we just don't see it because we are so hell bent on accepting complete responsibility for all the issues in our relationship when we both know it takes two to tango.
What I told her is.....since she has been working on herself and getting her own life in order she has also been working on being a better wife to H. As a result, since the only thing H had to throw in her face was that she drank yesterday (something he shouldn't really be doing either, but he isn't ready to admit that yet) he is being forced to look at himself in the mirror and see how HIS actions have contributed to their issues. Something I suspect he is very uncomfortable doing and also something I don't think he's HAD to do much since she has been accepting complete responsibility for all that is wrong in their R. It dawned on my when I was doing this that I have done the exact same thing. My H hasn't spent much time at all looking at his own actions because I was all too quick to bear the burden of our relationship failure. Maybe if I stand back be nice, wonderful, pretty but also be a secure, confident, valuable woman with a LIFE he will be forced to spend some time looking at himself and will stop helping me blame myself for everything. I think I did a pretty good job helping him convince himself that I'M the problem when in fact I'm only half of the problem. Now...I'm not saying I didn't contribute majorly I did, but I'm changing myself for the better and I deserve someone who has noticed those changes and loves me enough to cherish the fact that I realized is was high time I did change and know that I did it for the sake of a bright future and a wonderful life with our without him.
NikB...you really helped me start to see things in a different way...thank you so much. I have realized (I'm sure I'll have set backs but I'm on a roll for now) that no matter what I do during this time apart I cannot control what he's doing or thinking so why not make the best of it and become what I've always wanted to be???? Wow! It's like an out of focus picture just got clearer. Every minute I spend unhappy is a minute I spend NOT enjoying life and that is unacceptable. I cannot have a positive thought while my thoughts are negative.
(and... how freaky is this?? I think you're talking about a couple that I know, right down to the alcohol poisoning, except that it was shortly after July 4 so the time frame is off a little bit.. weird!)
I'm so glad I helped you get there.. yes it'll be up and down but ANYTHING I can do to help you get to that point, I'm happy for. (((CW))) Proud of you!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
H had paged me earlier when I was at work but I couldn't return his page as I was in a meeting with the president of our company. When I did get a chance to call him back he mentioned that D had forgotten her school books at my house so H had to take her to my dad's to borrow his key to my house to have D go in and get them....H sounded irritated by this. I went by to see my dad tonight and he mentioned that when D came in to get the key she looked like she had been crying, but she didn't say why. Sooooooo...tonight when she calls to ask for help with her homework she says she had a tiff with her father that began with him expressing how inconvenient it was for him to keep having to go and pick up stuff D had forgotten from my house. Apparently D responded with "and whose fault is that??!!". H didn't like this very much and got angry with her, making her cry and then apparently started crying himself saying "no one cares about him and what he wants".
So I hear this story and I tell D maybe it's best for her not to say things like that to her dad. Anyone have any thoughts on this??? I feel like I don't want to screw her up anymore than she already is by giving her bad advice about what she should and shouldn't say to her dad.
Bottom line....when I hear that he makes such selfish comments it really makes me hate him. Not once has he stopped to consider what this has done to our D. Just this weekend she was being a little pissy and when I asked her what was going on she burst into tears saying she just wanted her family back and all she could think about was what a great day she had been having the day H decided to drop the bomb on both of us and that she thinks of her life in two phases....before her dad left and after. God this makes me so angry with him because he gets of scott free never having to worry about what he's done to her and our family. Of course, the other side of me says we are both better off without a person that has such little regard for our welfare and why would I want someone that doesn't want to be with me to come back just for our D. Lord I'm confused.
Anyway, H also called a little bit ago to tell me he's coming on Sunday to get the rest of his stuff....seems like I need to get resigned to the fact that he's never coming back.
Bottom line....when I hear that he makes such selfish comments it really makes me hate him.
CW, I can certainly empathize with you on that one, and my anger and frustration can quickly turn into rage when it has something to do with our boys. Particularly, when they try to tell their dad how they feel...after he's told them it's ok - just be honest....then when he doesn't like what he hears, uh oh! Look out. It suddenly becomes all about H again, and his feelings, and how hard he works to provide for us, and how tiring it is....it goes on and on, until he's guilted everyone into feeling like the bad guy.
They can be real jerks. Real selfish ones.
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Not once has he stopped to consider what this has done to our D.
Hmm....Not so sure about this one though. You're not in his head, remember? No one knows what goes through it every minute of every day, every week, etc but HIM.
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God this makes me so angry with him because he gets of scott free never having to worry about what he's done to her and our family.
Again, read above. But I do understand your feelings. I have felt that very same thing myself many, many times. It used to anger me (and still does sometimes) that H could just pack up and leave so easily, and I am expected to stay put and clean up the emotional mess he left/leaves behind. I start to feel disgust towards him, wanting to call him a quitter....but then I stop myself....because I know I am better than that and that I do not want to live with bitterness inside.
(((((CW)))))
Resign to the fact that you can only control yourself and what goes on in your own inner world. He acted like an a$$ with D, and he'll pay for it eventually (karma ). Just be there for your D - her listening ear, her shoulder to cry on, her strength when she's feeling like she has none. Kids need a lot of love and reassurance during these terrible times, and no matter how angry you become with her father, refrain from negative remarks about him. Lord knows I've wanted to call my boys' dad a thing or two , but that isn't honorable. Best to take the high road.
Hang in there and be strong. (((CW)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
). Just be there for your D - her listening ear, her shoulder to cry on, her strength when she's feeling like she has none. Kids need a lot of love and reassurance during these terrible times, and no matter how angry you become with her father, refrain from negative remarks about him. Lord knows I've wanted to call my boys' dad a thing or two 
, but that isn't honorable. Best to take the high road.