MLC BS

[braveheart]

There is no shame in trying to work out your marriage or standing for what you feel is right. I do believe that there does come a time where you have to say to yourself that you have done all you can do and its time to move on. Remember, all you control is yourself, you cannot make anyone do or feel a certain way, no shame in loving someone and them not returing it. Most of the time people have to wallow in the pig-pen before the realize it stinks.

[Patrick325]

I just can't figure out when enough is enough. I am tired of the pain but I still love my wife. At least I love the woman she was...But the woman she is now is different and hates me, so I can't decide whether to close the book on this. I found myself saying I wanted to do this for my kids but I also have to think of my own happiness. I wish there was a way to know it is over but I guess I have to decide that for myself.

[braveheart]

I just can't figure out when enough is enough. I am tired of the pain but I still love my wife. At least I love the woman she was...But the woman she is now is different and hates me, so I can't decide whether to close the book on this. I found myself saying I wanted to do this for my kids but I also have to think of my own happiness. I wish there was a way to know it is over but I guess I have to decide that for myself.

You just said it my friend, you have to make that decision for yourself. I am sure you will know when that time is right for you. I wish you the best in the meantime.

[Patrick325]

wHad another argument with my wife on the phone. She is trying to dictate who gets what when it comes to property from the house. And I am still mad at the fact she wants to hit me for $7K to from my savings for the D. I am just so upset that she is D me and on top of it wants to soak me. I am already am having to pay child support and even though I have the kids 1/2 the week. Besides half of my retirement. In reality I don't care about the money or the stuff as much as I hate that she has done this to me. Once I sign this paperwork next week the D is final. I feel like I have failed at everything. I can't imagine how we can ever get back together. She doesn't even consider my feelings about losing our marriage. All she cares about is herself, money, things....and him. 17 years doesn't mean anything to her. She cares about the kids but considers them to be "fine" with everything. I wish I would have never met her..and at the same time I love the old her...I hate this sooooo much!

[Patrick325]

I am having more custody issues (it seems like I never have anything good to talk about anymore). My oldest d14 wanted to stay with her mom so she can do some events at school(or so she says)...she told my W she was afraid to ask me so my W called me to tell me on the day she was supposed to come over my house. I think she was afraid to hear a "no" than anything else. My W has given the kids the idea that scheduling is up to what they want and I had to correct my kids and tell them last week that the schedule is made by mom and me and that was that. I wouldn't mind them asking for a night here and there if there was a good reason. But I go out of my way to get the kids to sleepovers, dances, etc. I think my oldest used it as a retreat from her younger sisters. But of course this caused a huge argument on the phone between the two of us. Things are just going down hill so fast I can't keep up. Every time we have an argument I beat my self up emotionally afterword because I didn't DB but it's impossible to DB anymore because the issues are important and if this D is going to happen it will have an effect on me and what I can do for my kids. I am so screwed up emotionally. I go from hating her to loving her and vica versa...next week I go over the verbal mediation and get it in writing. I guess once we get that straight it's over...I guess the mark my ring left on my ring finger doesn't mean much now. I used to look at it and dream that God left that mark on me because it would all work out and we would get back together. But I guess I was dreaming or just hoping too much. She has said to me a couple of times that she wishes I would find someone (a girlfriend) and I tell her I don't want to find anyone and that I want to be there for my kids and not complicate their lives anymore. I think that hurts me too. To hve her think I can't find anyone makes me feel bad. But at the same time I don't want to tell her that I am waiting for her....I just wish I could find a way to stop fighting and still protect my interests...emotions get in the way so much....

[Imageer]

Patrick,

Don't beat yourself up over your emotions. I don't think anyone here is as detached as we would like to be. We all have the wash of various emotions come over us. They are your emotions to feel so feel them but don't let them control you.

You need a schedule. It is best for everyone involved. You should try and sit down with your W (without your kids) and decide what is best for the kids but gives each of you the amount of custody you want then put it in writng. Your kids might not always like it but as long as you are fair, it is the best that you can do.

Having a schedule will also give you one less thing to argue with your W about.

If you can't discus it without getting into an argument, maybe try and do it over email. I talk to my W a lot over email. I like it for 2 reasons. 1. I have a record of what was said in case I need it later. And 2, It allows me to keep my emotions in check when I reply. I never reply unless I'm calm.

next week I go over the verbal mediation and get it in writing. I guess once we get that straight it's over...I guess the mark my ring left on my ring finger doesn't mean much now. I used to look at it and dream that God left that mark on me because it would all work out and we would get back together. But I guess I was dreaming or just hoping too much.

I don't think that if you end up divorced it means that your marriage cannot be resorted. Divorces are so easy to get (too easy) that our spouses can get them on a whim and think nothing of it. Your W thinks that after she D's you, her life will be great. But we know otherwise. D is just another crazy action in a crazy situation. Don't let it take your focus off your goal.

[Patrick325]

I got a call from my wife yesterday. She was being a little less controlling than normal. She went on to tell me she needed to borrow money. She had already borrowed money from her parents and owes them the money. It just so happens I recieved the written version of our mediation agreement and it requested 7K more than was originally offered. I have trouble lending her money(that I probably will never get back) to someone that is trying to take me through the ringer as it is. I feel bad because I hate to see her in financial straits but she isn't working and is spending money going out and hanging out with OM at the bar. I don't know what to do...I don't feel it's my responsibilty to help her if she is living with the OM but it hurts me to say no. I offered to let her have some of the oney we did agree on to hold her over but it probably won't last too long. We talked on the phone for about an hour and we were getting along a little better but she keeps telling me that I couldn't make her happy and she hopes I learn how to make another woman happy(that hurts)...I don't know if I am DBing well anymore, if I am at all. Once we get this agreement done it's over. But I want so bad to work this out and I am so tempted to pour my heart out to her but I know I can't...what can I do?? I would love to be her knight in shining armor but I don't want to be her doormat either. I had to reiterate to her that I have to take care of myself because I have noone to help me with a place to stay or pay my bills if I lost my job. I could lend her some money but it would eat into my emergency money and right now it is important to have. Everytime I think things can't get worse or more difficult they do....