h is interested in going to counseling h is talking about real feelings with me h has said that there will be no A's in the future h is committed to our kids and wants what is best for them h has admitted to some of my good qualities h is obviously struggling with this, if he felt good about what he was feeling he would be relieved not struggling h understands the importance of my finishing school h recognizes the changes I have made h feels that the A was a mistake h says openly that we have a lot of fun together so far the things h has discussed in counseling aren't that big, of course that is my opinion, but maybe as the mother ship moves off they will get smaller to h too h feels a spiritual source in his life again I am a work in progress I am committed to working on this I know I can be alright regardless I am strong I can do this I have plenty of positive qualities I have learned from my mistakes I know there are positive changes in store for me I can be brave I will be happy I will
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
just back from my counseling session, by myself this one was. we talked about what happened, she gave me permission essentially to be sad, said it was expected and that I can't beat myself up about it right now, she said she is confident that I can get to the okay spot regardless. she also thinks h has a lot of things he needs to deal with either way, I hope he does either way so he can be happy in the long run, either way. she said there is always hope, and so I will retain that and keep working on what i have control over and try and let the rest slide
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
last night we talked about how we are interacting, he feels like he is being watched for some sign or change all the time, I feel like I am hovering about not sure what to do or say. He said you need to relax. I KNOW I am nervous all the time, what do I do to relax, I am not good at setting stuff aside and not worrying. I guess I need to get a life in a big way. after vacation next week I will be back in school so that will take my mind off what is going on, and I have 3 books to read while on vacation so that should help there.
I have to remember that this is either going to happen or not, I cannot force it and I cannot make it happen by what I say or do, except I can drive us both crazy and push him away with actions and words, I have to get out the best me and put it on and leave it there, stop guessing. Take care of me and the kids.
Maybe even a little distance would help, from me, not space, just quietness. I need to let go and let it happen. By nature I am not a clingy type, I bop around and do my own thing, that is what I need to do now.
I have to get my head together, may take a lot of writing today
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
amazing how emotions can jump around, I was doing pretty well and then realized that H will be home soon and now I am getting nervous. I need to not do that, why do I make such a big deal, it is like I have to plan out the interaction and figure out what I should say. I need to just relax, just be, stop analyzing every motion and word, it is making me crazy, i don't need to be any more crazy than I already am.
pep talk to myself I can do this, I will be fine, i will be good even, take care of me me me me me me and my kids be strong for them and for your self. make the positive changes let go of negativity it never helps positive positive positive
change what you have control over, nothing else in in your hands.
arghhhhh
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
back from a week vacation, we went to a cabin/resort that H used to go to when he was a kid. it was nice for the most part, lots of relaxing time, and the kids had fun, there were some light moments between H and I.
He was tense a lot, worried about a long run he had to do, training for a marathon in the fall, and the long runs make him anxious, which he admits. H also had some reminders of OW which he shared with me, we did some R talk and he is very stuck on the negative, what if it doesn't work, stressed about that, doesn't want to hurt me any more, doesn't feel "IT", doesn't think I should think this is just a crisis he has to get through, stuff like that. He talked about the PA a bunch and what was good and that he doesn't feel that it would work between them. Misses the excitement I think.
He isn't buying the love and happiness is a choice thing, hope he figures it out or he will be an unhappy person much of his life regardless of our R. I said I couldn't imagine getting involved with anyone and he said it is funny as the reason we would break up is to allow us to find happiness with someone else and he doesn't see himself marrying again either. Maybe that got him thinking. H said he is just worried about what happens if it doesn't work out, and I said well what if it does? He said that he doesn't worry about because he knows that would be good, but the other would be bad
I think he is heavily confused, wrapped up in negativity.
I am a bit better today, not feeling so obsessed, reminded myself about PMA, GAL and acting as if, not initiating R talks, that sort of thing. Need to keep reminding myself, will have school to be on my mind soon and that will help distract me.
We are supposed to share a list with each other of what we have in common, haven't written it down yet, feel like I am trying to sell a used car and I hate that feeling, so that is making it hard.
We have a counseling session on Thursday, will have to get nervous about that later.
Oh and found out OW is older than me, and her birthday is in August, maybe that is why August is a bad month for him
Last edited by 123snap; 08/31/0802:30 AM.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
well since we came back, things have felt a bit more normal, we have space to not be in each others face all the time so I think that helps
we have talked about other stuff, had some friends over for a bit last night and that seemed okay, we both discussed that we didn't do our assignment and he asked when our next appointment is, that always makes me nervous, like he is planning on bombing me, but you know with the way he has talked lately I think he would just tell me now, he has every other time recently so ....
he was a bit funny this morning, short is how he described it, then i remembered that he admitted to me he gets real tense and nervous and stressed before a long run and he is on one right now, so that is contributing, not doing a great job of distancing myself from his emotions
tomorrow school starts for all of us, so I will have something else to think about at least, a distraction is a good thing
need to keep up the PMA, or at least get closer to a PMA
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
123, first sorry to see that others have not been posting to your thread. Thank you for continuing to post your sitch. I just wanted to give you my 0.02 worth if it is ok.
First, I have been told that after the A ends, the WAS will spiral into a depression. They miss the OP, they are in withdrawl and each time they contact the OP....any kind of contact, the whole process starts over again. THis is why it is SO important that your H does NC if he truly is going to R with you. As far as him not having some of those wonderful deep feelings of connection, well duh! He is still mourning the loss of his other realtionship. He cant open his heart up to you completely until she is totally out of it. I have heard it takes around six months to a year after NC with OP for the heart to completely heal. My advise is to tell him you understand that he is hurting and that this is just a process and you both will make it as long as you are in it for the long haul.
Now, I also want to address his depression. My H left me the first time for a few weeks. When he came back he said that he knew he was still lost but learned that he did not need to leave his family in order to find himself. My H was very depressed and finally gave into taking medication. At the time this was going on our MC had us make a list of ways to reconnect and what we thought our needs were. H did not make a list and did not make an effort to do anything on mine. The hurt and ager kept building. Where was the guy who wanted to be in this relationship? Why wasnt he trying? I then became depressed as well, not to mention very needy. After two months of this, his D got worse and worse and he left again in March. Has not come home yet. Is just now starting to show signs of D lifting. Here is my point. While he is depressed, they ONLY thing he should be focusing on is HIM. He does not have the strength to fix himself right now, so how can he work at fixing your R? ANy attempt to help fix the two of you will just drain him and it will not help the R. Put your desires to have that happy M away for now and focus on just working to help your H get happy. Please try to step away from his sitch as much as possible. This is NOT about you, so try not to let it bring you down. From the tone of your post it feels as if you might be sliding into that dark place too. LIke I said, I know what it is like. I hate to see you come this far just to loose it because he was put under too much pressure.
In conversations with H since he left, the thing he has said over and over again is that he just cant take the pressure of "us" anymore. He was suffercated by me and my need to work on the R at a time when he already was drowning. At the time it was happening, I didnt get it. I thought he just did not really want to put the effort in to fixing us. Now I see he did not have the ability to work on any of it. SO, as much as it sucks right now, I would put working on your M to the side until he is strong enough to actually do it. I know you are hurting and angry and prob scared, but look at how long you have already had to wait to deal with these emotions with him, a little longer and they can all come out. Please, please, please whatever you do, do NOT let his mood bring you down. Be there for him when he needs someone to listen and hold him, but still GAL and stay happy....for your sake and his. Again, this is just my opinion because I am seeing some of the same mistakes happen that I made and hate for him to walk out again. Take care.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Thanks for your words of wisdom, I appreciate it so much. You are right I need to back off and not push this. This is his issue to solve, and I totally get the mourning an old relationship, in a lot of ways it is recent, because he only just came clean about it and interacted with her, and is obviously still dealing with the issues himself.
I will try hard to back off, let him take the lead, go to counseling on his schedule, not push it, and try above all to be patient and understanding. One of his biggest complaints was not being able to talk to me about the big stuff, so I will be open and listen and validate, and not try and sell the used car.
This is hard, and I know I can live through it, and be okay.
Thanks for the reminder.
J
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
123snap, that's what we are here for...to lend support when others need it and 2x4's when neccessary. Hope I didnt leave too big of a bump on your head :). You are strong and i believe you when you say you can handle it. Take care!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
123Snap, Hey, just wanted to reiterate what brokenhearted said. You absolutely must give him as much space and time right now. Do your best to focus on you and your kids and not your M.
I am having to do a lot of the same. My H has left me 3 times over the past year and a half and we are now on our fourth try at piecing. Each time right before he left me, I could see and sense his depression building. It would scare the heck out of me, and send me into a depression myself. It was very hard during those times to just act as if.
In retrospect, I kindof wish that during those times I was not around him so much. It would only make matters worse. Then he would leave again. I guess that I am suggesting to give him distance and stay busy so that he doesnt have to feel like he is pressured. He sounds very overwhelmed right now, very confused, and he will need some alone time to sort this out.
I know how you feel. Your H comes back to you and says he wants to work on things again, but then after a short period of time their efforts seem to fade. They start to pull away, and the whole process starts over. It is very frustrating. Many walk away spouses come and go several times, sometimes I think they come back to the M before they are really healed. So there depression starts and they start to feel like it is becuase they are married to you that causes it. When in reality, they would most likely be depressed with or without the Spouse.
Good luck with everything, and try to back down a bit like you were saying. Keep coming back here to vent. You really do have a lot of positives to be greatful for, and you cant read the future so dont assume anything. Take Care, TIPPER
