Trixi...I just reread your post and your point helped...it's just what he said today. God I hope his tomorrow or the day after that is something else.
NikB? I forgot one thing about the convo...he said that he's pretty confident in his decision right now. I asked him if there was a time when he wasn't confident in his decision and he said he didn't know....grrrrrr
I'm quoting/replying out of order a little bit because I want to end on the positive note with that challenge..
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I did read the 10 steps and I will have to keep reading them for them to sink in.
Cool... keep reading. Those are your lifeline, truly.
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I know the old R is dead and I don't want that R back, but I can't stop thinking about how he won't give us a chance for a new one....it would kill me if he found some girl to "put on a pedestal" and moved on forever......
No... it might hurt like he!! but it wouldn't kill you, unless you let it.
Take back control of your life and your emotions. You'll feel SO much better, I promise, even if it feels fake at first.
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I'm not really doing much to get a life...it sounds pathetic but I just don't feel like being around anyone. I've lost over 30 pounds since he left in June does that qualify as doing something for myself?
Sorry... the "bomb diet" doesn't count.
I'd like to give you a little challenge - tonight, make a list of 10 things that make you happy/smile. They can be big or small, but preferably at least a couple of them are social and/or active.
If you're having trouble thinking of things that make you smile right now, think of things that made you smile years ago.
Then, make a commitment to yourself that you'll pick 3 things from that list (2 can be easy, 1 should be one of those social/active ones that'll require a little effort)... and DO THEM this weekend/week. With a smile. No matter how fake it feels.
Some of the "little" ones that worked for me...
- Flowers for your table.. Trader Joe's has pretty arrangements for cheap. Bel Air sells single varieties for $5 - and carnations last forever!
- Get your nails done (you're in Sac right? There are little nail salons in the strip malls EVERYWHERE that you can get a "polish change" as opposed to a full manicure, and it's only $5!).
- Get a new outfit that you really love... or try a new hairstyle. (OK the hair might not count as "little" )
- Rent and watch a favorite childhood movie (no sad ones!)
- Take a walk through the park; or, sit in the park and read a favorite book, or magazine.
- Call a friend and chat - NOT about your R, at all
OK... some of the bigger ones...
- Go to a movie. If you can't find anyone to go with you, no problem - it's OK to go to a movie by yourself! It's not that bad, I promise. In fact I noticed about a half dozen people by themselves at The Mummy last night (and I'm sure I only noticed because I felt so self conscious when I went by myself a few times.. but guess what? I never even NOTICED people there alone before.)
- Go to the state fair. Only 2 days left! It's OK to go there alone, too, if no one wants to go with you.
- Go to a meetup (no, it's not a dating site, it just sounds like one). Since I happen to be in the same area as you and I've gone to a number of meetups, I can even give you some very specific recommendations for good groups. Here are some that I've enjoyed very much:
Girlfriends a la Sex & the City http://women.meetup.com/938/ They are very active - I think something like 30 women went to Crawdad's last week and watched a band. And they are an awesome, dynamic, strong group of ladies - perfect role models right now. They're doing a Salsa lesson soon... ever wanted to try that?
Out & About http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/975/ Another awesome group. Kaybee, the organizer, is such a sweet, warm, kind lady. They do all kinds of stuff.. movies, road trips, heck last year I went to a pumpkin patch with them and then we carved pumpkins together.
Sacramento "Not so Single" Social Group http://couples.meetup.com/421/ Jessica's another awesome organizer. They haven't had a ton of events recently but she'll be planning more soon.
Dining Out http://diningout.meetup.com/443/ They've got 5 things listed just for September. I actually had this group over to my house earlier this year! They wanted to do a wine and cheese thing at someone's home and I bit the bullet and volunteered.. and had a blast.
Sacramento Professionals Activity Group http://nightlife.meetup.com/434/ This one used to be really active... lately seems to be not as much, but it's still worth checking on.
Like wine? This one's great: Vinous Envy: Wine Enthusiasts of Sacramento (how can you not love the name??) http://wine.meetup.com/267/ One of their members often hosts tastings at her house - those are a lot of fun.
Like to cook? Step Up to the Plate - Culinary Adventures http://cooking.meetup.com/368/ These are always wonderful get togethers!! I've been sad to miss the last few. They rotate themes and houses.
The hiking group is very active and everyone I talk to raves about it: http://hiking.meetup.com/20/ (I can't go on those due to muscle issues)
... I could go on, but you get the idea. There are over 200 different meetup groups in our area.
I know the concept seems scary.. but I promise, I've been to well over a dozen of these groups, and they are just normal people like you and me. Yes a few strange folks once in awhile... but you find that anywhere.
(((CW)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
God I hope his tomorrow or the day after that is something else.
Ugh.. NOOO!!! Quit asking the question, unless you want to make him more sure of the answer.
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NikB? I forgot one thing about the convo...he said that he's pretty confident in his decision right now. I asked him if there was a time when he wasn't confident in his decision and he said he didn't know....grrrrrr
I know it hurts, but it doesn't matter. He's not going to share any confusion on this topic with you.
I can tell you for sure, he doesn't want to come back to needy, clingy, begging, pleading, sad..... so, work on that for now.
((CW))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
P.S. if his answer does change.. it isn't going to be tomorrow or the day after. Things will not happen anywhere near as fast as you're hoping. Think months.. not days.. and remember how things can change over time.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Hey CW- Listen to Nik- she knows what she's talking about. She posted some awesome ideas!
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Make yourself the best 'you' you can be.
Keep us posted on what you picked as your 3 activities. You can do this.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Separated - you're welcome! Glad it helped you, too. Look for ones with high star ratings... you can also go to your area and pick "newest and largest" to get an idea of which ones are most active. For your first event I recommend going to one with quite a few "yes" RSVPs (at least 5.. 10 is better)... unless it's something you might do by yourself anyway. Only because it's a little scary going to your first one as it is, and worse to show up and be the only one (which has actually never happened to me, but I think it'd kinda sour you on meetups if it did).
CW - I forgot to mention that locally we also have elifeadventure.org. That's similar to meetup but more regulated - the "organizers" for it actually go through some training and the events are more structured - you have a sign in sheet etc. Personally I like the informal-ness of the meetups better, but the eLife events can be good if you're a little tentative on the whole "meet strangers off the internet" thing at first. They have monthly welcome dinners for new members where they talk more about how it works. I've gone to a couple actually (once when I was new and once to coax other newbies into going..) and there were always at LEAST 20 people, usually more.
Pick 3.. keep us posted, as Trixi said..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Ok so here is my list...sorry Nik...stole some of yours, but I liked them:
1. Flowers for my table...flowers always make me feel good 2. I'm going to buy myself a new outfit (nothing fits anymore anyway and I've been putting off getting something new because of finances, but screw it...that's what plastic is for...right? 3. Going to accept the invite from the mother of my daughter's friend and hang out with them on Labor Day rather than send D with them to have fun and me stay home and sulk. 4. Going to attend an evening event sponsored by the foundation at my work in two weeks. 5. Going to go to the Journey, Cheaptrick, Heart concert in September...wow did that just date me or what???
Holy Crap I have 5!
Okay so Nik...the whole meetups thing...this feels a little awkward to me as it seems like steps to meet someone new...may I ask did you ever meet any "males" you spent time with...how did that affect things with your H and do you still go to these things now that you and H are doing better...does H go too??
Sorry for the questions...it has been sooooooooo long since I concentrated on the "social scene".
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