It's been awhile. Guess I'm breaking my promise again by writing to you. I've continued to peek in, but I let your responses to my posts in the past keep me away.
I'm not certain still that anything I have to say will work for you. There does seem to be a certain amount of "that won't work for me" that takes place here. But I ask you this question:
What is different in the relationship dynamic between the two of you compared to the last time I posted to you?
It's been months Phil. What has improved in things between the two of you?
It's not working. Whatever your strategy is, it is not working. She is an angry and unfocused woman. The relationship between the two of you appears to have always been incendiary, and it remains so.
Many have tried to offer you advice to help YOU, as well as your family situation. There are times when you seem to hear and take to heart, and others where you revert back to the Phil who does not listen and does not believe there is a way other than the one he has always known.
There is so much hostility between the two of you.
And the children are pawns, used by both of you. Under the guise of "spending as much time as possible with my kids" the two of you have allowed them to become a material possession that is passed back and forth. They are gathering scars that will stay with them for a long time potentially.
Phil, are you ready to stop the madness?
At least the part of it that YOU can control?
You are a man of some faith, you know God's word, but you choose to weild it like a club on your wife. Therefore she rejects it. She sees the Phil who was angry and mean, who responded poorly to her ridiculous behavior, and she allows that behavior and it's conflict with your religious words to create the justification that your faith is nothing to be desired or listened to.
There are moments when you have allowed her to see the loving side of Christ, but far too many when she has seen only the condemnation side. Like most other human beings, she turns away from the condemnation.
You refuse to go silent on this woman, even though she rejects practically every word out of your mouth.
You refuse to establish a schedule whereby you actually play the role of parent and get your children on a schedule that they can count on. You let THEM set the schedule and call it good, loving parenting, though everyone on this board tells you otherwise.
It's long past time to stop this madness.
Are you ready to stand up and take the role of Christ in your marriage? Because make no mistake, THAT is the role that you are called to.
Christ did not come with fire and brimstone. He accepted the tax collector, though he was despised in the community. He showed compassion to the adultress, while the community sought to stone her. Finally he extended his arms and gave his life for a people who rejected him in favor of a common criminal.
Yes, Christ stood up to those who needed standing up to. But Christ's role on earth was largely one of salvation and compassion. His was a role of taking the pain and punishment that others deserved to bring the hope of eternity to others.
This is the role you are called to play in your marriage.
Your wife is off the charts unreasonable. She is openly hostile and incredibly petty in her words and actions.
It's your job to SHOW her the right way.
Notice I did not say TELL her the right way.
SHOW her.
And you are not to even so much as point out to her what you are doing.
You do it because it is the right thing to do. You do it because maybe one day it will sink in to her troubled mind that Phil is showing her the loving way to do things, rather than the condemning or self-righteous way.
End contact with this woman except for emergency situations.
Establish immediately a child care schedule that MUST be adhered to (knowing that initially you will be the ONLY one adhering to it).
Accept her continued taunts and acts of hostility with a closed mouth. Move on after each one doing what PHIL is called to do - living a proper holy life of loving compassion.
BECOME the model, instead of trying to tell her about it.
Christ did not come delivering his message with pithy sayings only. He did acts of work that SHOWED his compassion and caring. He did NOT draw attention to himself. He did NOT beat lost and broken people over the head with their faults.
You have a job to do. You have rejected the HARD work of that job so far, preferring instead to allow your words to attempt to do the work.
How has that worked out for you?
Time for a change Phil.
The sooner the better.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
