NikB - what precipitated the convo we just had where he said he didn't want to ever be back together was that (please no 2X4s I know what I started was wrong...I'm a slow learn) I brought up the fact that he seems to be calling D's cell phone instead of the house phone and I asked if it was to avoid talking to me. He said no but that's what I do when he has D. I told him I do that because I don't want to bother him. So he says the following:
Him: I'm gonna throw something out there and then I don't want to talk about it again for a long time. Me: ok Him: Here is what I've been thinking....you told me some guy at work asked you out (a guy at work did ask me out and he has the same name as H) and then a couple of times you say you accidentally called me...I think that this guys name must be next to mine in contacts and you are meaning to call him when you accidentally call me. You are so hot and cold with me it makes me think when you are cold things are heating up with this new guy. Me: You do understand how ludicrous that sounds right? Him: Not really and it's none of my business anyway...I left but I wonder about it. Me: Ok well may I respond? Him: Yeah Me: Ok the guy at work is a manwhore and I would never even consider dating him. I don't have his phone number nor do I want it so it's not in my contacts. The couple of times I accidentally called you it's because either I pressed your speed dial out of habit and then quickly hung up or because when I was scrolling through missed calls I inadvertantly hit the dial missed call button on my phone. If I seem hot and cold it's because I truly want to be all over you when you are around, but I'm starting to lose respect for myself as you treat me like gum on the bottom of your shoe so I'm trying to get a hold of myself. Him: I have never treated you like gum on the bottom of my shoe...I had you on a pedestal for years. Me: Yes...during much of our relationship you did and I took that for granted, but I'm talking about recently. Last week after we had VERY intimate sex I wasn't even worthy of a goodbye kiss which hurt me very deeply. I realized then that I could never have sex with someone that didn't care about me as I felt cheap when you left. Can you understand that? Him: I guess Me: What does that mean? Him: I didn't want to talk about this stuff...and I do hold on to things and dwell on them for a long time, but I'm sick of people telling me to "just get over it" Me: I understand what you mean ...when someone says just get over it..it's like they don't have any true appreciation for what you experienced. When I say that to you, what I mean is...can you try and get past it...try and put it behind you. Him: There are things I can't get over
At this point he starts bringing up things that happened YEARS ago...like 7 to be exact. We had gone through some trouble in our R and split up before during which I found out about him seeing another woman. Once he realized she was a psycho he came back and I was all too willing to take him until about a year went by and I started chatting on-line (I know totally dumb move). Anyway, I met this guy that was clear across the country and made up my very own soap opera. I told him about H's little affair and he sympathized...that wasn't good enough though...I made up HUGE stories about my life and would refer to H as ex H...at one point I told this on-line guy that H didn't have as good a body as this guy from work (which wasn't true...it was just part of my soap opera). Anyway, H had spy software on my computer so he saw the comments and refuses to believe they weren't REALLY about him...but rather his character in my soap opera. Oh lord...at this point you all must think I'm nuts.
Sooooo...these comments I made about "him" (but not really him....my story to on-line dude was based loosely on facts) kept running through his mind when my sex drive dwindled and he built up in his mind that I was attracted to someone else and WASN't attracted to him. As you can see H has low self esteem.
So convo today proceeds with me telling him I understand why you would feel that way...I probably would feel the same way, but I swear to you I love your body and those comments weren't about the real you. So he says:
Him: I just don't think there is any point in all this me: Point in what? Him: playing with your mind by having sex with you since I know I don't want to get back with you ever. me: Not ever huh? Him: No Me: So I should move on HIm: that's the only fair thing to do...I don't want to think about this stuff right now.....I made an appointment to go see a counselor (he would never do this before and I'm freakin out thinking it's going to be one that encourages him to move on) Me: I just don't think it's fair that you can't see I've changed because you'll never spend any time with me HIm: I don't want to spend time with you right now and it's too confusing for us and for D. I was miserable in the R and I don't want that back Me: It doesn't have to be like that Him: I don't think it would ever be any different....you are a chameleon and can change at the drop of a dime Me: I am not...I've been working on myself and have been consistent for a long time...can't you see that Him: I guess....I know you weren't the only one that made mistakes, but I'm angry that I used to love doing nice things for you...getting you cards, flowers...everything and I don't feel that way anymore and it makes me mad....this is not what I want from an R Me: so you will find a new R then Him: I don't want a R right now...I want to be happy with me and do the things I want to do when I want to do them.
Sooooooo..he then says he has to go.
What am I going to do...this seems so hopeless and I big part of me is really mad because I wasn't the only one that made mistakes...when I was having my issues with sex I tried to talk with him about it but he would never listen and believe what I was telling him. GOD HELP!
