is it really true?

[Kalni]

Stella mou,

just read what is going on. I am glad you sound strong. Take it slow, day by day and keep moving ahead. By now, you have dealt with all kinds of emotions. You are a "veteran". Keep your head clear and... wait. Patience.
Love
K

[One Day]

Stellitsa-mou,

How are you doing? Thinking of you,

L. xx

[stella_k]

Hi ((((all))))!

I'm back after spending a week in BC with D17. It felt great to be away from all the problems with H, renting an apt for D17 and F, helping her to get settled, etc. She was delighted to start her new life! Her new place is lovely and so is her new school. I will miss her terribly, I know, but I'm ok as long as she's happy. She still doesn't know about H and me, though. We decided to tell her when she's back home for winter break.

When I got back today, half hoping that H has changed his mind again, I found him totally calm and composed and absolutely sure that he's doing the right thing. We've had a Big R talk, very friendly and civil, discussed the D, something he always refused to talk about. He lets me have our pets. He dfoesn't want to take ANYTHING from me.
He just wants to end our M. He was very honest and open about everything. He said he tried very hard to do the right thing and get back with me, that he was feeling (and still does) very guilty, but there is no way our M could work. It is dead and was dead for years. He even said he was madly in love with me BEFORE he got to know me and then he always felt that something is missing in our R, now he knows what a R could be (he meant mostly sex-wise. still hurts). There was always tension between us (was there? I cannot tell anymore)and now in his new R he can finally be free. When I came over in May it was AWFUL. He chose me only because he wanted to do the right thing and because of feeling of responsibility but in his heart he knew he'd walk again.

I feel very strange now - very sad, a little bit frightened and very much relieved at the same time. I feel like waking up after a long surgery - nearly two years long. Yes, I've lost a limb. But it's a recovery time now and I know that I can do it. I feel neither anger nor bitterness towards H. I'm not even angry with OW anymore. I guess, I'm done. I guess I can start healing now.
The funny thing is, H is more friendly than ever, the tension is gone, finally! He hugged me several times, kissed me good night and was very sweet to me in general. Now that he doesn't have to pretend that he loves me, he can allow himself to like me as a friend.
He is not an alien anymore but he is a different man. He is someone I wouldn't have fallen in love with or married in the first place. His jorney through the dark tunnel is over and he matured into somebody else. My H as I knew him ceased to exist. I cried a little bit in front of him (very little, really!), but I don't care anymore, I'm moving on and I feel free to do whatever I want :). We laughed a lot together too. All and all, under the circumstances, it wasn't a bad evening.


We're not planning to tell our colleagues here, not until we're gone anyway.
We have a farewell dinner or party (pretending to be a happy couple again ) every eve starting tomorrow and lots of packing still, so next time I will post from my HOME, I guess! In three days!!!!

It was a very long day and I'm very tired, just wanted to give you an update ASAP.

Love, ((((((hugs))))))!

[stella_k]

Oh, and I'm moving to...
any suggestions?
separated?
midlife?

There is no forum for NOT DIVORCED BUT DONE :).

[poet]

Hi Stella,

I'm so sorry for you, but I definitely know how you feel. If only my H could have been/be civil and honest about his feelings, things would be easier for me too, I'm sure.

I suggest moving to Midlife Crisis, because in reality, that's exactly what it is. I still believe when he comes out of it, there will be no other woman on the other side, and he'll have to face his fears/faults/self.

Just my two cents.
poet

[JenInVen]

Hi Stella....I'm so sorry to hear about the end of your M but so happy that you sound so healthy and well, happy.

How about moving to Surviving the Big D...there are a few people you may know and they always seem to have a great time.

[stella_k]

Thanks, ((((Poet, Jen)))))!

I will consider both possibilities, but somehow I'm more into Midlife Crisis.
Technically speaking I'm not divorced yet and there is also a tiny part of me - the stupidest part of me - hoping... Nevermind

It's 6 AM here, I still cannot sleep - jetlag? grieve? both?

[Forrest Gump]

Well Stella_K...

I am sorry things turned out "bad".

I was actually working on a post for you.. that I never got around to posting. I found myself with a few free moments tonight.. and was drawn to your post.

I can't say that I know a lot about your situation.. but I can say.. I can see some good in it.

"I feel very strange now - very sad, a little bit frightened and very much relieved at the same time. I feel like waking up after a long surgery - nearly two years long. Yes, I've lost a limb. But it's a recovery time now and I know that I can do it. I feel neither anger nor bitterness towards H. I'm not even angry with OW anymore. I guess, I'm done. I guess I can start healing now.
The funny thing is, H is more friendly than ever, the tension is gone, finally! He hugged me several times, kissed me good night and was very sweet to me in general. Now that he doesn't have to pretend that he loves me, he can allow himself to like me as a friend.
He is not an alien anymore but he is a different man. He is someone I wouldn't have fallen in love with or married in the first place. His jorney through the dark tunnel is over and he matured into somebody else. My H as I knew him ceased to exist. I cried a little bit in front of him (very little, really!), but I don't care anymore, I'm moving on and I feel free to do whatever I want :). We laughed a lot together too. All and all, under the circumstances, it wasn't a bad evening."

That says a lot to me. I know from my personal experiences.. the amount of work.. and Emotion that went into getting "here".

I always talk about its a walk of you.. being where you are now.. is not a bad thing. In my simple mind.. it was just a potential outcome of the situation you found yourself in. You will find some strength in having to "walk" thru this.

Hope.. even if it is a little bit.. is a sign you are looking to the future.. or what may happen. DB'ing.. is always about allowing something different to happen.. even though you never can quite see what life holds for you.

It seems the two of you actually communicated there. Hope for some more of that.

I wish you the best.. life has to offer.

Keep your head up...

And Always...

[No Longer BH]

Stella, I am so sorry that things are where they are at for you. I completely understand no quite wanting to close the door. With men in MLC, you never know what you are going to get. The cycle so many times. No wonder we get confused by their actions, they dont even know which way is up. It sounds t=like your last encounter was positive, even though it was sad. You have been through so many ups and downs but have done it with grace. I admire the strength you have and believe to the core of my heart that it is not over until it is over. You will know in your heart when to let go. (((HUGS))

[Kalni]

Stella,
I am sorry you have come to this. But God you sound so much stronger than you used to!!
I realised in my sitch also, no matter how hard we are holding on to our Ms, this process we go through and the rollercoaster rides, actually PREPARE us for what is coming, good or bad. So when the "bad" actually happens, we are much stronger than we thought we would be.

I think the conversation you had, even as tough as it was, must have been a turning point for you. I so wish I had such an honest convo with my H instead of him "beating around the bush".

Stellitsa mou, things will turn out great in the end. Think of this as a new start, not as an end... I know you hurt, I can feel you, but things will be fine... I promise.
Love
M