poet: I told her that while we were sharing the house and not yet divorced she could not 'date' or 'screw' anyone. -
I talked to her step mom who said "She's missing you and the kids and her life". I said she isn't missing me, just the kids.
She said she could always spend time with the kids outside of the house, and that I haven't done anything to stop her from seeing them. She thinks that She's cleaning the house as a way of gaining my favor. However, she also agrees with everyone else in that she 'crossed the line I set' and this is the consequence. She's out of the house and she doesn't like it one bit.
Another friend reminded me that HER love language is 'acts of service'. My love language is not acts of service, it's quality time. It may very well be that she's trying to win some kind of positive response from me. I really don't know and I'm not in the mood to 'respond'.
After she finishes cleaning tomorrow I'm going to put together a housecleaning plan for the girls and I so that we don't end up in this situation again.
Poet, I think what Fig meant was that Frank set up a boundary, and she crossed it, so the consequence.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Thanks for responding to my question. Frank, I LOVVVVVVVE that rule of consequense that you gave your wife. I'm sorry it didn't work. I also gave my H that rule -- well, sort of -- when he moved out. What I did was, I left an article on the table before I went to work one day (this was a long time ago, maybe two-and-a-half or three months). Anyway, it was right after he moved out and he's been gone three months. The article said, "Don't date when you're going through a divorce. It will only pXss off your spouse and make it harder on you in the settlement." A rule, which (I might add) my husband did not respect. Maybe he just didn't get it. And maybe I'm just too soft, because I'm still trying to go uncontested.
I've numerous pieces of evidence that he talks to her on his now-infamous cell phone *every single night for about an hour." One time, I even got into his voicemail and heard her after she left a message. I know, I know. That was wrong - my bad. But, at least I know the truth, which is something he is trying desperately to hide from me. I do not understand it, other than perhaps maybe he is trying to protect HER! Ugh! Doesn't matter. Let God be the judge. And, I have a story about that too.
hugs from the dark side of poet!
P.S. Maybe I'll come back here one day and copy and paste the post onto my OWN thread. But, for now, "Let it be, let it be."
W came by today to use her computer to pay bills and check her e-mail. It's a weird situation because the room she's staying in at her friends really doesn't have space for her to take her desk. So for now, she comes by to visit D13, and spends 1/2 hour reading e-mail and paying bills online.
She left a check for $60 on my desk so I guess she's keeping her word and paying part of the car insurance and cell phone bill.
I didn't really say anything when I saw her, she seems 'happy' and was taking D13 to her friends house an hour away for an overnight.
We don't talk much, there's no reason to. The hardest thing for me to 'deal with' when I do see her is that she often wears pretty dresses these days as she's lost a good amount of weight and looks very nice.
Sometimes I let it hurt me because she didn't try to look pretty for me the past 10 years and now she's done it for her and I don't have her any more. I feel like I wasn't good enough.
I know it's not true, that it's her 'motivation' that has changed. She's 40 now and doesn't want to be 40. She want's to be 19 again. She wants to feel like men are attracted to her. And I'm sure they are. She's not 'hot' but she's pretty.
It's too bad that her lack of self esteem has had such a negative effect on our family.
I'm in a little bit of a down cycle today. Got to let go.
I think that would have been an incredibly tough one for ANYONE posting on here.
I can't think of many who would have turned away a spouse that they love who pleaded, complete with tears, for the opportunity to come over and do some cleaning to make the kids happy with them.
So don't be too hard on yourself.
You'll get stronger as this goes on.
That being said, all your friends here are right. Your wife NEEDS DESPERATELY to feel the disconnect down to her core. Find a way to at least slowly but surely close the door for now.
Bill, I think you called it best. She does need to feel the disconnect down to her core. She needs to feel the same hurt WE are feeling.
She feels guilty that her actions have caused even MORE stuff to be heaped on me. That doesn't mean she misses me, or that she would ever want to come back. It's just guilt and feeling like an outsider.
I'm letting her go, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. I still miss her. I wonder when that will stop?
Time heals all wounds. There will come a time when you will miss her a lot less often, but if you're like me you'll probably never stop missing her completely. I know what you mean about seeing her. Seems just when I'm doing good and not thinking about my X I see her and it all starts up again. We had lots of contact this past week because of kids going back to school. Is there any way you can reduce contact with her? Can you arrange to not be home or be in another part of the house when she comes by?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
You can miss her and still press on. And you will.
Sadly, their hurtful actions slowly but surely do the job that we find so incredibly difficult to do. Every rejection and betrayal chips away at the once unquestionable devotion we felt. And yes, ultimately the day can come when we realize that things inside are different.
But that's for another day.
For now you are playing the role that you must play here. Like a parent with a child who has been through repeated bouts with something like substance abuse, you have to hold the line.
If feeling sorry and guilty were enough, there would be no addicts in the world, because all of them have felt those things, usually many, many times.
True repentance involves both recognizing the error of your ways AND setting yourself on a course AWAY from those ways.
The "ball" of your relationship is firmly in your wife's court.
Much like FIB's wife, she knows full well what she needs to do if she desires a life together again.
Your heart is not far away from her. It's not like she would have far to go to find you if she wanted back in. And you're right - guilt is not enough.
Yeah, sometimes it's slow and sometimes it's quick. And I really believe that's how it unfolds. Some days are better for us than others. Some days we make it thru by the skin of our teeth, then other days we feel like we could take on the world and win.
So take care of yourself Frank.
I know it's excruciating.
And I know that you are quite capable of being who you need to be here.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"Every rejection and betrayal chips away at the once unquestionable devotion we felt."
As I sat here and read this, Bill, I began to weep. Woe is me. I just cannot stand the 'what if I did this and what if I did that?' And even just this evening, I wondered why I can't just love him unconditionally. If I love him unconditionally, I can give him everything in this divorce AND let him go forth gracefully into the wilderness. That is what I strive for, to love him and God, for that is what God would want me to do.
