Aud,
One of the Sanity sisters that always has a wealth of wisdom! I can not truly tell you how much it means to me.
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I want to point something out to you: from your post, it appears that most everything that is causing you stress, anxiety, anger is coming from WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING/SAYING. Maybe I'm missing something here (and I know you're worn down beyond your last nerve), but you're allowing circumstances beyond your control to control you.

In essence, that is the root or the core of the problem I have immersed myself in. You are SOOOOO right. I am in a delirium state and a state so chaotic that I feel absolutely helpless in this house in which I dwell. whenever I am home, all I feel is this state of hopelessness and unfortunately self loathing to such a state that no matter what I do will always become a failure (whether it is one or not). I am alone strangely, because I have isolated myself from everything because I was tired of hearing how negative I am so I cut the cord on that. I finally passed my state insurance exam and will start my COMMISSION ONLY job Tuesday. I will give it all I have because that is the one opportunity to do so.
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When I say 'take care of yourself', I'm not necessarily talking about being selfish with your time--not that I think you are,

Yes, I am being selfish because I am drowning and the only hands to pull me up are my own two hands. I still take care of everyone's needs because that is my responsibility (as far as the children) but I have turned my back on my W because She is so self absorbed she has enough attention on herself. Anything I do is considered her accomplishment which does irritate me but I have resigned myself to "the future uncovers all lies" I know this from experience.
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I mean separating your worth from the reactions of your family and acquaintances. It's hard to do. But it's vital. Because no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how you're treated, deep down, you have many good qualities, they're just waiting for the opportunity to shine.

As Fig has said, this paragraph truly shines! I CANNOT separate this when I am in this house! I realize I am a very good person with very good intentions but that is not enough. You must be able to accomplish your good intentions in short time. I also realize that (that person) is DEEP down, probably too deep down. I am very concerned that I no longer have the strength to resurrect him....I hope one day I will find out.

Figgy,
You and BH are very wise, kind, creative and compassionate individuals. It warms my murky heart with both of your welcomes but even with scattered boxes, I would never subject both of you and your families with my scattered soul. I would love to get a place of my own but the money is all gone, the unemployment is all gone and my credit cards have been maxed out. I would stay with friends but I have been missing in action as far as that goes because I am tired of bringing them down.
I realize that this board is for Marriages that can be resurrected or enriched. I don't believe at this point my can or will be. Also I don't believe it is right for me to use this board as some "soul savior" device either. I irritate myself with all my Sad sack blurbs so I can only imagine what anyone else might gather, (especially those that truly should have hope to save their marriages). So I will let this thread rot and diminish without another word from myself. I will still blurb from time to time on threads from the wonderful people I have met here as long as I am welcome.
Peace....