I'm really sorry to hear that, it must have been really devastating for you. It sounds to me like he holds a lot of resentment, not necessarily against you, and frustration and projects his negativity. It also sounds like he has some power struggle issues.
I read this on ITH's thread today and I don't know if you would find it useful at all. He had sent her an email with his feelings about the marriage.
Quote:
In the future, with such emails, she suggests responding only to the positive parts, and ignoring everything else. So, even if he says he doesn't think he can be married, if he is also talking about how much stronger he's feeling, I should respond positively to how much stronger he is feeling, and ignore the rest.
She talked about 4 motives for behavior during this process:
Attention-seeking, power and control, revenge, and inadequacy
In my situation she thinks H wants power and control, and wants to be in charge of the process.
Emotional responses to these behaviors can be:
Inadequacy=hopeless/helpless, Power and control=undermined, out of control, Revenge=wounded, devastation, Attention-seeking=annoyed, irritated
Effective response to attention seeking is to validate the feelings (gave the example of a toddler having a tantrum)
If I were you (and take it or leave this as it is just what I would do) I would go dark for a few days on your h and the sitch and recover then reassess things and how you feel in a little while. Everything is pretty raw and it must feel very frustrating. Other than your h you are doing great and you sound to me like you have a great fire inside you. Don't let him drench it with negativity.
Also, the other thing I picked up from your post was about following a pattern, could you look at this analytically and try and work out what you can do differently. I seem to remember you being able to reverse such a situation like this in the past.
Big hugs Lost! And a good old fashioned English cuppa tea guaranteed to make you feel better!
