How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[SingleDad]

I thought I post some history of our relationship issues leading up to the divorce / separation.

W's views
1. Our sex life diminished to nothing after our Daughter
2. I didn't give her the love she needed.
3. I didn't listen to her, thus didn't respect her.

My views:
1. sex life true - W was depressed and exhausted and I was was stressed out and frustrated
2. Loss of love - true, I was feeling that way for awhile - W was 'never' satisfied with my time and quality of time and the way I did things with my daughter first, then have quality time with my W. I was feeling controlled and unappreciated and had enough of feeling like I was her servant - W never showing appreication
3. I heard her - but I wasn't understanding and empathizing - thus not "listening" - I was busy trying to make suggestions to fix her issues rather than listening... It got to be that listening to me meant that she was dictating one way to me to tell me what I had to do for her and I had to just sit back and take it.

We grew apart over the last year.

Now that I see things for what they were and what they will be, I realized that I made plenty of mistakes myself. I wasn't being a good of a husband as I could be and frankly I do not think she was being as good of a wife as she could be. I was on auto-pilot and was at a loss to know what I could do to fix things, didn't know what I could do to make her happy... She was never happy with the things I did.

Any chore that needed to be done I did, my money went for anything big furniture, remodeling and utilities and RE taxes in the house (hers was mostly her own play money). I was the pure old fashoned provider...

But I was not satisfying her emotional needs - she told me I wasn't many times - but never told me what that meant or action steps on how I could do better for her... I am an action and goal oriented person... she is an emotional spiritual person... She couldn't tell me what I needed to do... she left it for me to figure out...

Got to the point where I couldn't figure it out. Secondly, I was getting so frustrated at her Hitler control over our daughter - "Boot camp" with constant "do you want a time out" and ridgid schedule... where I guess I am less controlling of my daughter (until I reach my limit).


Seemed like there were so many issues at the time... Now I realize all of the things I was overlooking... That her methods have their advantages... and I'd be happier trying to adapt to her parenting methods and would be able to make her happy - would be much better off together than the break-up of the family.

I think my W would need to change as well - allow me to have more say in raising our daughter. Be less ridgid. Be loving and affectionate toward me as well.

If we could both loosen up a bit and realize neither of us will do things exactly the way the other wants - but the end result is the same, we would have a chance.

Problem is that W has given up - she's had it - its over. She believes that she did everything she could. She believes she is right in every way and did nothing wrong - and it is my fault for not meeting her emotional, physical and spiritual needs - and that I am incapable of changing. I am not the right man for her...

We dated for 3.5 years before we got married - and another year before we tried to have a child. Our relationship didn't change much from how we were at the beginning... Maybe just got more complex and challenging. If I wasn't the right man for her couldn't she have figured that our before we got married then before we had a child ?

I think a very big part of it is that she expected life to be wonderful after we had a child - we'd be the picture perfect parents and our child would be easy. We'll life isn't that easy. I think she was overwhelmed with our daughter - and as much as I did to help, it wasn't enough or the right way... She felt that now she couldn't handle our daughter and me and the dogs and her job at the same time... i think she is happy that 3 days a week, she can unload the responsibility of our daughter to me so she can unwind.

i do not know if is was depression, post-partum or whatever... we both worked, she would beat me home by 45 minutes (shorted hours and shorter drive) to make dinner, then I'd come home, eat dinner and play with daughter, do the dishes and read to daughter. W would be falling asleep at 7 pm before D was even in bed.

We had an argument one night. W wanted me to move my weight set in the basement so she could make a third playroom of for daughter (one on each floor. I didn't want to move it... later I measured it - and found no other place it could be moved to. W kept nagging. In a huff, I started to take the weight set apart. W argued with me to stop... I yelled out "what is the purpose of my life !!!" Meaning I am not allowed to do anything myself and have to follow orders at work and at home and never can do anything I want. It was about 11 pm - I struggled to have my W let go of me and stormed out of the house and left in the car. After about an hour driving around - I realized I needed to sleep somewhere - I went to my mom's house, never telling my W where I was until about noon the next day.

When I did call, my W thought that what I had said instead was a threatened suicide and said she was upset all night and way trying to contact me... (though there were no calls on my cell phone, she did not call my mother or contact the police.) btw - She used this as one of the causes for divorce action. She also wanted me to go for counceling - I did go to the person she found for me - and also used that I need psychiatric help as a cause for divorce. I admittedly was distraught and depressed over our marriage - but wouldn't kill myself over it. (as a background my father did commit suicide from his depression and alcoholism) My W did attempt suicide when she was 15... and I think the fear over having do deal with anything like that again that was too much for her.

That's my story.