TIPPER'S 3rd thread - Piecing Pointers

[Trixi]

Tipper, I am glad that you took my post as I intended it.

With regard to my H's drinking--I don't really have any idea the extent to which he drinks or goes to bars. I know when we first separated he was non-stop party, party, party. His son (my SS that I helped raise) has a substance abuse problem that he is now in recovery from, and my H offered to have SS move back in with him. When I suggested to H that he might need to curb the drinking down, my H said "If Son can't handle it, then he shouldn't live with me." ?? I said "Do you realize that it sounds like you are picking alcohol over your son?" and he said "no. I could stop drinking if I wanted. I don't want to. I enjoy it and I shouldn't have to just because someone *else* has a problem with it." [eye roll- that was classic 'addict' speak] Despite knowing that son living with him is temporary and despite knowing that he could have a drink elsewhere, he is willing to tell his son "Nevermind, you can't live with me because I don't want to stop drinking in the house." If my H was calling me to get him from DWIs, flaking out on me to go to bars- I would seriously need to have second thoughts about trying to move things forward. I think I am worth more than that. I think you are, too.

I know you love your H, I know you are trying to accept him and not get worked up with what he is doing--but seriously, is this something you *really* want to get MORE involved with?

I don't know if it is my background (alcoholic mother, drug addicted father), but I read your posts and I feel scared for you. I think to myself "Why is she going to settle for so little?" And, I do NOT mean that you are settling for so little by not having your needs met(which you are, of course)-- I mean- settling for a man that would pick a bar over his wife.

You not having your needs met is a problem. Him needing to drink all the time is a BIGGER problem. He will have a heck of a time meeting your needs when he is filling his 'void' with alcohol.

Ugh- I am just not expressing what I want to say; it is so visceral for me.

My analogy is this: You are trying to put a bandaid ("meet my needs") on a gaping wound ("this relationship is in serious jeopardy due to the drinking").

Another analogy-(which will be WAY over the top, so don't take offense-it is really only to get my point across) If you knew your husband was robbing banks and didn't appear to want to stop robbing banks- would you REALLY want to align yourself CLOSER to him? Would your bone of contention REALLY be that he isn't being affectionate enough? Shouldn't it be first about the bank robbing? (I warned you, it was over the top.)

OH OH OH- I just thought of a REALLY good analogy. I have seen stories like this on Dr Phil and Oprah. The husband expresses dissatisfaction with the marriage. Wife scrambles to do 'whatever it takes' to save the marriage. Husband says he wants to do a threesome or watch his wife have sex with another man. Wife doesn't feel good about it, but is so anxious to keep him, she relents and does it. She feels horrible about herself. Her H doesn't respect her. Marriage fails. When I see these stories, I think "WHY did she let that happen? Why was she so desparate for his approval and pseudo-love, that she sacrificed herself?"

Again, I am not trying to be overly harsh- and I maybe I don't understand a dynamic in your situation; but looking in, I see someone that is so scared to lose her H that she will accept anything he is willing to give her, some of which is not good for her.

Now, I know I am one to talk. My H is tossing me crumbs and I have been accepting them. Sometimes I get more than crumbs and that keeps me going; but at some point, I need to have a real relationship with someone that is capable of being my partner.