I got lost but look what I found.

[iamlost]

H just left, and I've come to the conclusion that it would be better if I don't see him or talk to him for awhile. I can't stop crying, and I really have no idea why. I really am happy and feeling good about my life. Then H sweeps in, is mean, and I am thrown for a loop.

H came over, and did some work on the computer, and I was working on stuff as well and happily listening to music, so we really weren't talking. I offered him strawberries and coffee, excitedly showed him my new phone. He just looked tired and sad.

He goes into the bedroom (without asking) and starts rummaging through his closet. I've decided to set things like that as boundaries--he doesn't live here anymore--so I go in there and ask what he's up to. I then ask him if he's found a place yet, and he said he just did, and I ask him when he's planning to move his stuff out? As soon as we can get the agreement settled. Is he still planning to pay me for August what he had agreed to pay me towards rent as long as he had his things there? (All said nicely and calmly).

So, he apologized later, but he instantly bristles and gets angry and tells me I'm "whining", which I was not, in any way. He tells me that he's just flat out not going to pay me what he owes me. (!!!) It ultimitely culminates in me calling my dad, because my dad had offered to pay for a lawyer if I needed one. And now maybe it seems I do.

Of course, after more BS from both of us, he backs down, calms down (mostly because he doesn't want to pay for a lawyer himself). It ended up OK, we both apologized, but now I just can't stop crying. Crying over the man he was, as well as the man he never was. Crying over the complete lack of respect and caring he showed me. Crying that my best friend, my husband, my family member is gone--just as surely as if he had died.

I know I deserve better, he knows I deserve better, and said as much, same old, same old. Apparently, he is so unhappy that seeing me happy makes him want to reduce me to tears, and then "comfort" me. It's an old pattern. The satisfaction in his face/voice was UNMISTAKABLE, and yet he WAS genuinely sorry. He came sad and left happier--he put his misery onto me.

I'm not letting that happen anymore.