H just left, and I've come to the conclusion that it would be better if I don't see him or talk to him for awhile. I can't stop crying, and I really have no idea why. I really am happy and feeling good about my life. Then H sweeps in, is mean, and I am thrown for a loop.
H came over, and did some work on the computer, and I was working on stuff as well and happily listening to music, so we really weren't talking. I offered him strawberries and coffee, excitedly showed him my new phone. He just looked tired and sad.
He goes into the bedroom (without asking) and starts rummaging through his closet. I've decided to set things like that as boundaries--he doesn't live here anymore--so I go in there and ask what he's up to. I then ask him if he's found a place yet, and he said he just did, and I ask him when he's planning to move his stuff out? As soon as we can get the agreement settled. Is he still planning to pay me for August what he had agreed to pay me towards rent as long as he had his things there? (All said nicely and calmly).
So, he apologized later, but he instantly bristles and gets angry and tells me I'm "whining", which I was not, in any way. He tells me that he's just flat out not going to pay me what he owes me. (!!!) It ultimitely culminates in me calling my dad, because my dad had offered to pay for a lawyer if I needed one. And now maybe it seems I do.
Of course, after more BS from both of us, he backs down, calms down (mostly because he doesn't want to pay for a lawyer himself). It ended up OK, we both apologized, but now I just can't stop crying. Crying over the man he was, as well as the man he never was. Crying over the complete lack of respect and caring he showed me. Crying that my best friend, my husband, my family member is gone--just as surely as if he had died.
I know I deserve better, he knows I deserve better, and said as much, same old, same old. Apparently, he is so unhappy that seeing me happy makes him want to reduce me to tears, and then "comfort" me. It's an old pattern. The satisfaction in his face/voice was UNMISTAKABLE, and yet he WAS genuinely sorry. He came sad and left happier--he put his misery onto me.
I'm not letting that happen anymore.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I am thinking of hitting up San Fran, saturday night. might try that bar you told me about a while ago, any other sugestions? I am glad that you are doing well. Have agreat weekend. sorry thats a bit early but I have 4 days off so I am startign early.
Aw, I wish I would have known earlier you were coming up! We could have met up for a drink. The next time you're planning come up let me know, maybe we can meet at Rogue or something? We can cry into our really, really good beers.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I'm really sorry to hear that, it must have been really devastating for you. It sounds to me like he holds a lot of resentment, not necessarily against you, and frustration and projects his negativity. It also sounds like he has some power struggle issues.
I read this on ITH's thread today and I don't know if you would find it useful at all. He had sent her an email with his feelings about the marriage.
Quote:
In the future, with such emails, she suggests responding only to the positive parts, and ignoring everything else. So, even if he says he doesn't think he can be married, if he is also talking about how much stronger he's feeling, I should respond positively to how much stronger he is feeling, and ignore the rest.
She talked about 4 motives for behavior during this process:
Attention-seeking, power and control, revenge, and inadequacy
In my situation she thinks H wants power and control, and wants to be in charge of the process.
Emotional responses to these behaviors can be:
Inadequacy=hopeless/helpless, Power and control=undermined, out of control, Revenge=wounded, devastation, Attention-seeking=annoyed, irritated
Effective response to attention seeking is to validate the feelings (gave the example of a toddler having a tantrum)
If I were you (and take it or leave this as it is just what I would do) I would go dark for a few days on your h and the sitch and recover then reassess things and how you feel in a little while. Everything is pretty raw and it must feel very frustrating. Other than your h you are doing great and you sound to me like you have a great fire inside you. Don't let him drench it with negativity.
Also, the other thing I picked up from your post was about following a pattern, could you look at this analytically and try and work out what you can do differently. I seem to remember you being able to reverse such a situation like this in the past.
Big hugs Lost! And a good old fashioned English cuppa tea guaranteed to make you feel better!
Thanks, Julia. You're spot on--it is a power struggle. I actually think he is seeking to connect with me on some emotional level, but the only way he can conceive of doing it is negative--he WANTS me to react to him, to cry. And he knows exactly how to make that happen. But then he does feel bad for his own cruelty, even though it makes him feel better. I saw that clearly today. The difference between his mood when he got here (sad) to when he left (calm and satisfied) actually makes me sick to my stomach.
I think I am done.
My plans for the day were ruined by hours of tears, but I'm still having dinner with my girlfriend tonight. Not a total wash of a day.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
