It seems that this is getting to be pursuer/pursuee game and it needs to stop. I keep letting him draw me in then things continue on the same and he doesn't work on his issues.
JAK
Seems to be a trait of the WAS/MLCers doesn't it? I must say not a very attractive trait at all.
Things I read seem to be contradictions. Some say give them "tough love" others say that while going through a MLC, you can't "force" them to do anything. They have to make the decision on their own. Who knows what the solution is? Some things work for some and backfires for others. You know your H better than anyone, but as you say if one thing isn't working, it's time to try something else...
I wish I could give you some advice, but I can't even figure out my own life. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I think CL has some good ideas - what leads to the pattern and what perpetuates it? Maybe we can come up with some thoughts for you.
Or if we can't.. what about a DB coaching session just for you? They're a lot better at this stuff than many of us.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I detach/ distance myself by doing things on my own and H comes running wanting to spend a more quality time with me.(my LL)Shows more affection than usual. Then I think that maybe he is coming out of his fog and that the changes will be permanent and feel that we are getting closer by all of these things and after a week or so they go right back the way they were.
The difference this time is that I told him that I needed to decide what I was going to do for me after confonting about OW and the card he sent wich was a boundry he broke. He finally admitted that he knew that she was just there when he needed someone to talk to and that it's not real. He also broke down in tears about us having to work all of the time. That was the first time since this whole thing started that he has even shed a tear about anything in all this.
But, now if I let him pull me back in Im'e afraid that it will end up the same but, What if it doesn't givin the fact that he opened up a little?
I need to fgure out a way to change this.
My brain is so fried that I can not think!!!!!
Don't know if these things I wrote help to figure anything out.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 08/29/0806:38 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Did DB session a while ago and I think they hit the nail on the head in that H feels inadequate. Told me to pump his ego up. Whenever I try that(and I still do) he says he doesn't need to be pumped up.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
H is coming home giving kisses and hugs and touching /caressing me WTF!!!!! Here goes again. I can only hope that this will be different. My bags are still packed and Im'e still contemplating my next action.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Packed bags indicate your decreasing tolerance for your H's lack of respect for your expectations regarding boundaries. This is different.
Is he aware of the packed bags? I'm hoping their in front of the door.
I think the packed bags also create some space for you, and communicate how you honestly feel about the M. It changes how you relate to your H, even if its private. There is now doubt in your mind. You're like a supervisor watching an employee who's on probation.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 08/30/0812:48 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The packed bags probably changed your attitude some, you're letting go more, and he's feeling it.
I had a suitcase packed in my trunk for weeks... so that I could quickly just GO if I wanted to. It changed my whole attitude.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I love how you put feelings into words. That is just how I feel.
They are right in the bedroom on the floor and I have been living out of them since Thursday, so they are open and in the wide open for him to see. I know that i am getting close to leaving but waiting to see if he moves forward since he broke down.
NIK,
One can only hope that maybe things are turning it would be nice but, i am not going to count on it at this point.
MAT,
I am thinking about you too. Thank you for the positive vibes I appreciate all of you.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Who knows what the solution is? Some things work for some and backfires for others. You know your H better than anyone, but as you say if one thing isn't working, it's time to try something else... 
