Trixi and His Highness

[NikB]

Thanks Purple! It was late so I think I confused myself more than anyone else.. haha.

Trixi I don't know if this is the 'right' time for this post for you - but it sure helped me out when Oldtimer posted it to me and it was the right time for me to hear it. I just posted it on my thread but wanted to pass it on to you too. I don't think you're doing the "needy clingy" thing as much, but I do think the "jumps up to get coffee every time you do" might speak to you a bit?

Credit completely and totally goes to Oldtimer for this..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post679252

Particularly:

"Did you ever know someone, maybe in elementary school, maybe in a job, that *really* wanted to be great friends with you, but you didn't want to be that close to them? This person would have been OK as an acquaintance, maybe someone to go out with after work for a drink occassionally, but was not a person that you wanted to have a heart to heart convo with, ever. This person seemed to need you, seemed a little clingy, a little pathetic and very sad. Even after they quit asking you to do stuff all the freaking time, they always looked up expectantly as you made your way toward the door for lunch. You could always perceive the slight hurt in their eyes when they overheard what you did with friends over the weekend. This person was always just waiting for you to adopt them as a close friend. This person did sweet things for you without putting any demands on you -- bringing you a cookie, telling you about a good airfare to someplace you want to visit, offering to dogsit when you went on vacation, getting angry on your behalf when your boss snarled at you... Do you remember the cloying suffocation you felt just being around this person? The stress of having to deal with this person's emotional neediness day to day? Sure, they weren't asking you to do stuff all the time anymore, but you could *feel* their desperate desire for a pal? Ugggghhhh... Exhausting. Then there is the anger and resentment that comes from having to live with this unwanted burden. The funny thing is, the person would really have been OK and you can see why some other folks in the office have no problem with that person as an occassional after work drink buddy. If only the person would back off and sincerely quit being the best friend in waiting, you'd probably be fine with them. But NO ONE likes someone who insists on standing in a more intimate R with them than they want with that person.

So many people here insist on playing the loyal committed spouse offering unwavering love and support which totally ignores the WAS's desire to have a less intimate R with that person. WAS's no longer WANT a husband-wife R with the LBS, yet the LBS's, mired in denial continue to thrust it upon them, pretty much guaranteeing the demise of their M and a lack of progress on themselves.

To really respect someone's feelings that is pushing you away, you need to give them at least as much distance as they are taking from you. Probably more to give them decent breathing room. This doesn't require closing the door on your M or having an A. It requires getting on with your own life and being responsible by making sure it will be a good life for you regardless of what happens to your M so that you aren't needy and dependent with respect to having the M in your life. Otherwise, you are like that annoying, cloying, person in the office who suffocates you by jumping up to get coffee everytime you do."

And here's an example OT posted to me in my sitch when I was pushing H too much:

"Think about the water cooler example. The annoying office person is finally giving you some space, leaving you alone, has quit sulking that you won't do lunch with her, etc... You become more pleasant to the annoying office person. You talk about the weather. Occassionally you say "hi" in the hallway. You stop walking the other direction when she walks in the door. Then, she confronts you in your office. Comes in and shuts the door, and starts to lay out exactly what she wants if you two are going to continue to be best friends -- regular nights out, coffee breaks together, share secrets, plan a vacation together, sharing funny emails, etc... OMG!!!! I'd say your next step would be to get a deadbolt for your office and bring your own water."