Another reason why I dont think it is a good time to approach my H (even through a nice letter), is because in the past years before he left me, I would complain (justifyably) about his life choices. I just couldnt understand his changes and why he was starting to drink so much, so I would let him know how it hurts me, him , and us. This drove him away.
One thing I learned here is that I need to accept him for who he is and he has every right to live his life the way he wants. So now, my 180 has been to not say anything negative about his choices, but rather to reward him when he does well.
This seems to be working well for our R. But it hasnt yet produced the results of him changing. I do believe if I stick with it, and not complain about his lifestyle and not get defensive when I am mad: then eventually he may start to change when he sees enough to believe that my changes are not going to disappear when I get comfy.
Therefore, I feel as I can not approach him yet. First I need to learn how to be assertive and ask nicely and calmly for what I want and need out of our R. While he is experiencing a nice sense of acceptance from me, I will start to work on this in little ways.
It will be hard for me. I am not used to asking for what I want. I am also afraid of the risk involved, so this will take some time. TIPPER
