Groundhog Day WAW#15

[SirPrizeMe]

Phil, man, I know how it feels.
You need someone to talk to. If I were there I would drive up to see you.

But you need to find someone. Pastor, buddy. Preferably a counselor, though. Your buddy will just be angry with her on your behalf, and will tell you "hell, you don't need her." (That's what my buddies did).

I don't care what the book says. I can't do it. Everytime I'm around her I melt. I can't do it...

I can't do it

You know the rules for electrical runs that are designed to handle 25A versus 20A, and so on. If you follow the rules, and run only 15A on a 20A circuit, things work out better. If you run 20A off a 15A circuit, something's gonna trip.

If you inflate your tires to 18 psi, you'll wear your tires more, maybe get a blowout. If you follow the instructions and use 32psi, you're good. Things work better.

Same thing here. There are instructions, rules, guidelines for this system you are fiddling with - this wife who walked away. There is an instruction manual. In part it says:

• no blaming
• no questioning
• get a life and look happy every time she sees you
• make every interaction a positive one.
• no demands
• patience
• no enlisting the kids on your side.
• do not show her how hurt you are.

Dude, I'm telling you. I did this. I followed your path. I was hurt, and I let it show, and you know what, it was repulsive to her. I didn't do it on purpose or as a weapon. It felt honest to me. But still, it was repulsive. Seeing my pain, she felt guilty for hurting me, and that just made her run faster. I wished, damn I wished, that I could have been stronger. I see now that my hurt was the final nail in the coffin. Ironic, no? I felt like she dropped a house on me, and I was hurt by it. But the reason our marriage ended was not because she dropped a house on me (and left). It was because I was hurt and she didn't wanna come back to that.

Damn Phil, I'm sorry.

If you are strong, you will put your self in a better position to recover this marriage. But you need to be strong now, and patient. No more attacks on her. no more guilt. No more pressure. let her run for a while. I know it hurts dude.


ps: you're right, don't let your 6 yr old see you crying. IT will scare him, and it will get back to your wife, who will run further. Cry all ya want, not to your son, though.

[LostPhil]

Craig,

I do talk to people besides this board. The problem is they don't know what to say. I'm not going to a counselor either. I do talk with my priest. Talking to them isn't going to change the situation.

[craig54]

What does the priest suggest?

[LostPhil]

Yeah sir, it seems like I can go a couple of days and then boom I see her and I just want to hold her man.

Yeah I got a house dropped on me. A house I built for her. Everything was for her. Now what do I have. A nice house with only half my family in it. Son stays with me alot.

[SirPrizeMe]

I know. I know. I'm a little different than you: 4 kids. She took 'em all. My kids want to see me, but she has a court order saying I am a danger to them. I cannot phone them. I live by myself now. I know what it is to lose a family.

What a woman wants is a strong man, someone to rely on. someone independent. There's a theory that says the MLCer is afraid of their feelings, afraid of what they are thinking, doing. They are sort of aware, and they see that it doesn't make sense, but cannot confront it, so they ignore it, they stop thinking about what they are doing and the effect it has on everyone. It's too painful for them to confront.

You are rational and trying to show her - "look at what a wreck this will all turn out to be!" but that is EXACTLY what she is runnign from. The more you compel her to look, the further away she will want to run.

so you wait.
patiently.
you wait for the fever to run its course.
you wait for the storm to pass.
but not only wait - find stuff to do. go on being yourself. have fun.

Above all be attractive. Strong. Happy. Confident. Competent.

I know, I know what I am saying. I know it is not easy. I know your confidence is shot. Well, mine was, anyway. But this is what the woman in your life wants. A strong, reliable man. A rock.

For now she will run and go to bars and flee life. You just continue standing, being the rock, being reliable. Being like the Oklahoma farmer as he watches a tornado blow away his crop. You see it's destruction. And you wait it out. And the next day you get back to work, determined as ever.

She needs someone strong to retrun to. Pulling her back won't work. But if you are strong, that is the best chance she will return to you.

That's the theory anyway.

You're right that talking to other people won't change the situation. But it might help you cope better. It might help you tolerate it and understand it and work through it.

---

The other day I was watching this reality show. There was a couple who had a labrador retriever, and it was the most ill behaved animal. It was digging in the kitchen trash, knocking stuff over in the house, jumping on the counter. A lab! on the counter. It even ate it's own crap. Really gross.

The owners were always like "Cheechee! Here; cheechee! Cheechee! come along" as the dog romped through the park knocking kids down. "Cheechee! Come back! Cheechee!" The dog totally ignored them.

So this hit-man (hit-woman) dog trainer comes in. It's feeding time. The dog trainer holds the dish full of food, just looks at the dog, and waits. And the dog is hyper, and running around, and the trainer is still just waiting. And looking. The dog jumps up on her, reaching for the food. and the trainer watches and waits. The dog knocks over the trash. More waiting. The trainer makes not a single command or sound. And after like 5 minutes of this, the dog settles. Starts walking around instead of jumping. and then after another minute, the dog's sits. Another couple seconds, the dog's head bows down. And then a moment later, the dog is lying down, completely submissive. Waiting for dinner.

Thsi is exactly what the owners wanted the dog to do, but all their hysterical calling "Cheechee! get down girl! Cheechee, don't jump! Cheechee! settle down!" never worked. They kept calling more and more, louder and louder, and the dog never listened.

The trainer did something DIFFERENT. Actually the trainer did much less. Mostly she waited. She was completely still. The trainer did not try what was proven not to work. It was amazing. Of course, she had to know JUST WHAT TO DO. She was a trained expert, see, and the owners weren't. They were just regular people who didn't know any better.

Knowing what to do made all the difference.

[LostPhil]

I see what your saying unfortunatly we are not dealing with dogs here. Point is I'm most likely not going to able to save this because I do and keep doing what I'm not suppose to be doing.

Even now she texted me. How is son. Does he want to be with me? He already told her he was staying with me. So I ask him and now he wants to be with her. One I should have not asked him. Really she should leave me alone. I feel like texting her back. Leave me alone, leave us alone.

Driving me insane...

SirPrizeme... Yeah it's a theory. What if she just wants to keep hurting me to justify some kind of hurt that she believed I protrayed on her.

Who knows... It depends on what they want. We are in a period that she isn't exactly sure what she wants she just knows she didn't want to be home anymore. So she left.

[Imageer]

Phil, You are clearly going in a million different directions except for the one you need to be going. The people here are showing you the way and you are making excuses as to why it won't work. Everyone wants to feel that their situation is different somehow. I did as well. But it's not different. You need to get a hold of your self, focus and listen. I don't mean to jump down your throat when you are clearly hurting but what you are being told will help you if you stop and listen.

I know it hurts. I know it sucks. I am where you are only I'm a year ahead of you.

Look at it this way. If you want to be attractive to a woman, do you try and guilt her in to being atracted to you? do you tell her that she is hurting you? Do you act like a broken man while insisting that you love her? If a woman did this to you, you would run for the hills.

Your w's goal is not to hurt you. It is to find herself. Unfortunately, you are in the way of that. It probably kills her that she is hurting you but she can't help herself right now.

You MUST be strong. Be confident. Treat her like your W even if she doesn't want to be right now. Validate her because she is not a happy person right now. She is in pain.

Rather than tearing her down when you talk to her. try and make her laugh. Women love a man that can make them laugh.

If she seems to be having a bad day. Ask her about it. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help or if she would like to talk about it.

You will find that she will mirror your attitude. If you act badly, she will act badly. If you act nice, so will she.

Even now she texted me. How is son.

I would say. "He is great. We are having a ball together. Talk to you soon. Phil."

Point is I'm most likely not going to able to save this because I do and keep doing what I'm not suppose to be doing.

I don't mean to be harsh but I hope that you can get a grip on yourself, listen to what you are being offered and take it to heart. Ultimately, you will learn that you have much more control here than you think you have. This is a time for you to grow as much as it is for your W to grow.

What if she really just switched teams?

This caught my attention. I am going through exactly this and so is Missmyfriend. Read our threads to see if your w is doing any of the same things.

[LostPhil]

No way I lost it on her last night.

Why! Because my son wanted to be with her after 10. So I dropped him off to her.

Her and I were talking at her front door and it was alright.

Then boom she started her crap.

I asked her if she took the case of bottled water her boss offered her. She said yes, they put it in the car. I said good now you have a supply for daughter.
She said I asked you for one little thing by dropping off a bottle water for your daughter and you couldn't even do that.

I freaking lost. I said what are you legs broke. You can't go to the store. It was after 10:30 when you were asking for it. I said I got the water for you, and it was on our porch. You came and got it. I said stop acting like a jacka$$. If you would talk to me I would do favors like that. She said why don't you just go out. I said I don't want to go out. I want to be with my family. Then I left.

I was so p|ssed. I just starting going nuts on her with text. Nothing mean just truthful things. No cussing.

The only thing she said is that I didn't give her any money for CCD, school clothes, or lunch food.

I basically said. If you would talk to me about those things then maybe you would get money. I gave you five thousand dollars. How much more do you need? I pay your car insurance. You car payment. Your medical. how much more do you need?

I said did you give me money to take them to this place or that place? Did you give me money to take them to this pizza resturant, etc... No, but you sure eat the left over pizza we had. You would eat it as soon as you got here to pick up the kids.

Do not even try it I offered money for clothes. I spent over 250 on summer clothes. Plus I do everything with them. You are a liar.

You lie to yourself.

I am better off with out you because nothing is ever good enough. Go blow yourself up.

I do not need your petty crap.

Right, i do not give you anything. I gave you everything I could. Even now I go to school to get a better job in the future for those kids and you.

Everything you say is lies. Talk to me and you will get lunch money.

You never treated me like a man. Never any respect. You once again are doing what you want, and you lie about things you are your mother. A fabricator.

you drove me nuts for 13 years. About every little thing. Why? Why? Why?

You left you gave up. You are the coward. And I'm still praying that you come home. Praying every day with all my free time that you will come home. Every ounce of me praying for you to come home.

Why? because I love you. And I love our family more. You wanted another bed room you got a giant addition that almost killed me. You know I had a heart attack last year. Did you know that?

She text Good night.

I text Nothing good about this night. I used to lvoe her, but I had to kill her. Your sister always said that. B|tched so much she drove me nuts.

Our mortgage is $$$$ a month. What do you give me for that?

A friend of the family died, (named Phil) but you killed me! You killed your Phil. Your Phil.

<end of texting>

How much more stupid can I get? I'm sick of it. I'm tired of all her BS. All her b|tching and complaining. All of it. All the selfishness. All of it. I'm tire of it all. This is the crap I have been putting up with for 11 years. However put a temper on top of it. Verbal abuse, demands, selfishness, and everything else.

I know I lost it... I'm going to continue to loose it.

Because she is wrong.

Over a bottle of water. You know I asked daughter about the bottle water. I said honey were you flipping out. She said no I was crying about it. I said honey didn't I ask you to be good for mommy. You didn't need to cray over a bottle of water for school the next day.

You see the kids were up late. They were driving her nuts, and she took it out on me to help at the last minute. Then since I didn't run to her beckon call this time. She turned it around on me.

Advice. There is no advice for this situation.

What was I suppose to say. You are right. I should have broght the bottle of water to you late last night. You are right I never do anything for you.

Now I'm in a huge house that needs cleaning today. At least the bathrooms are done. This is a holiday weekend. I should just let the cleaning go.

Relax...

[LostPhil]

What does the priest suggest?

Intensify with prayer...

[LostPhil]

Oh, I'm just going to loose it. I can not even describe what mess transpired.

I texted for the kids to call they didn't. So I called. No answer. I call her other phone no answer. Then I'm leaving a voice mail and there is an incoming call.

My son wants to be with me. But can't decide on a time.

Then I ask to talk to wife. Really I don't even know why I bothered. I'm pissed about her throwing things in my face all the time that are irrelevant or not true.

I said I expect the kids to answer the phone when I call. She says you don't answer the phone when I call you.

See going dark or dim isn't working. Backfire.

I said for now on. If you need to talk with me you use your other phone. I will call you on that phone. She says I will not answer it then. She asks me not to call her other phone.

(Answer me this board... why does someone need two cell phones)

What the??? she isn't going to answer her other phone if I call it.

Bull crap.

She said that is the family phone.

I said I want my ring too. And if you talk to me about stuff maybe you would get favors. She says I'm driving her nuts. etc... She says she will bring son to me soon.

I text her and say I'm going to the store be back at 2. I text. Family phone. Dysfunctional family phone. Make sure you bring my ring.

I get home 10 after 2. She is in the house taking stuff. Clothes for daughter. Bag after bag of them. Daugther tells me that she is getting rid of stuff that doesn't fit.

I said when are you going to stop killing my soul. She said she was done doing that. Well things were going well. I asked her if she was going to write down what she was giving away so I can deduct it on taxes. She said yes. And then she started getting crazy again.

Basically she walked out the house was screaming at me and flipped me off. She called me her sisters x's name. Said I was just like him. I said oh no, I'm nothing like him.

She came back in. I handed her the insurance papers for her to take herself off the car insurance. She doesn't take them. She says you don't pay child support so you can pay the car insurance.

I'm thinking, Really can I get this in writing?

So she walks out again and flips me off.

Then she was spazzing. Because daughter wanted to take the PS2. I said son is playing it and staying here. She starts whining. I said take the Wii then. She was all happy. I can take the Wii. I said take it. She needs help disconnecting it.

I get it all apart and put it on the porch. WIfe is screaming at me to hurry up. I said stop it. Stop it now. I need to get a bag and the directions. This is $350 system.

I go in to get bag, and I see wife walking across the lawn with it.

I said wait I want it in a bag. I don't want it all banged around.

So she is screaming at me to hurry up she is busy, and has allot of stuff to do.

I said just give me a minute please.

I get the Wii box and directions. I give them to daughter. I said please bring it back tomorrow night. Be good for mommy.

Then I talk calmly to wife.

I said I don't get you. I'm trying to make your life easier but all you want to do is resist. She says well you were never there for me before. I said that isn't true at all. I am your husband, and you should be standing next to me walking through this world together not as enemies.

I pulled out a letter. I said you see this letter I wrote it to you 13 years ago. I could write the same letter to you. She said yeah I been putting up with you for 13 years. I said no wifes name it has been you causing all the problems. Always fighting. Always being crazy about every little thing. It has been you.

I didn't know how to handle you. I used inappropriate langauge at you. I drank to much to try and numb the yelling etc... I'm sorry I didn't know how to handle you and I was wrong at the way I handled you in the past.

She drives away and says have a nice life...


Nice life, yeah right... HELL!