NikB #28 (Piecing for sure & rings are on!)

[NikB]

One more post and then I'll shush for awhile! I'm going in reverse, journaling first this time, then something I wanted to share.

I finally went to see The Mummy tonight with my friend.. and after we went out to a new bar/restaurant. So much fun!! It's been way too long since we saw each other and she said "I'm happy for you and [H name] but I miss my friend!"... made me kinda sad. And she said "Remember when we first met you said you had lost yourself in your M? It makes sense that you lose SOME of your 'me time' but make sure you're keeping your individuality. When's the last time you did something just for you?" I asked "Before tonight?" and she gave me the "shame on you" hand sign (teasingly.. but the point was made!). I told her I miss her too and I WILL make my friends a bigger priority. And I mean it.

The Mummy.. well... lame but almost SO lame it was funny so we had a lot of laughs.

Dinner and drinks after, great stuff!! I miss her. Need to make it a priority to hang out with her and other friends more.

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The part I wanted to share... this is kinda lengthy but I wanted to re-post this on my own thread as I know a number of newcomers I've reached out to have been reading my stuff lately (thank you!! I appreciate your support ). This example spoke to me SO MUCH when I heard it at the right time, and to this day it helps me put things in perspective.

Credit completely and totally goes to Oldtimer for this.. thank you, OT. You're amazing!!

Here's a great post from Oldtimer on the subject of wanting too much from your R (or non-R):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post679252

Particularly:

"Did you ever know someone, maybe in elementary school, maybe in a job, that *really* wanted to be great friends with you, but you didn't want to be that close to them? This person would have been OK as an acquaintance, maybe someone to go out with after work for a drink occassionally, but was not a person that you wanted to have a heart to heart convo with, ever. This person seemed to need you, seemed a little clingly, a little pathetic and very sad. Even after they quit asking you to do stuff all the freaking time, they always looked up expectantly as you made your way toward the door for lunch. You could always perceive the slight hurt in their eyes when they overheard what you did with friends over the weekend. This person was always just waiting for you to adopt them as a close friend. This person did sweet things for you without putting any demands on you -- bringing you a cookie, telling you about a good airfare to someplace you want to visit, offering to dogsit when you went on vacation, getting angry on your behalf when your boss snarled at you... Do you remember the cloying suffocation you felt just being around this person? The stress of having to deal with this person's emotional neediness day to day? Sure, they weren't asking you to do stuff all the time anymore, but you could *feel* their desperate desire for a pal? Ugggghhhh... Exhausting. Then there is the anger and resentment that comes from having to live with this unwanted burden. The funny thing is, the person would really have been OK and you can see why some other folks in the office have no problem with that person as an occassional after work drink buddy. If only the person would back off and sincerely quit being the best friend in waiting, you'd probably be fine with them. But NO ONE likes someone who insists on standing in a more intimate R with them than they want with that person.

So many people here insist on playing the loyal committed spouse offering unwavering love and support which totally ignores the WAS's desire to have a less intimate R with that person. WAS's no longer WANT a husband-wife R with the LBS, yet the LBS's, mired in denial continue to thrust it upon them, pretty much guaranteeing the demise of their M and a lack of progress on themselves.

To really respect someone's feelings that is pushing you away, you need to give them at least as much distance as they are taking from you. Probably more to give them decent breathing room. This doesn't require closing the door on your M or having an A. It requires getting on with your own life and being responsible by making sure it will be a good life for you regardless of what happens to your M so that you aren't needy and dependent with respect to having the M in your life. Otherwise, you are like that annoying, cloying, person in the office who suffocates you by jumping up to get coffee everytime you do."

And here's an example OT posted to me in my sitch when I was pushing H too much:

"Think about the water cooler example. The annoying office person is finally giving you some space, leaving you alone, has quit sulking that you won't do lunch with her, etc... You become more pleasant to the annoying office person. You talk about the weather. Occassionally you say "hi" in the hallway. You stop walking the other direction when she walks in the door. Then, she confronts you in your office. Comes in and shuts the door, and starts to lay out exactly what she wants if you two are going to continue to be best friends -- regular nights out, coffee breaks together, share secrets, plan a vacation together, sharing funny emails, etc... OMG!!!! I'd say your next step would be to get a deadbolt for your office and bring your own water."

[pandafan]

Hello again. When you get a moment could you come over to my thread again?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1576022

Really need feedback, support or whatever.

That goes for anyone else reading this too.

I'm still a newbie, after all, and as Ready said, we need lots of attention! (shameless begging I know but I need to do it here so I don't do it with h)

Thanx

PF

[NikB]

Sorry I lost track of ya PF! I posted on your thread.

[Changed Woman]

Hey, NikB.....your story gives me some hope...I haven't read it all...it's a long one!

Anyway, I'm in Sacramento too....glad to hear things are going well for you...if you feel like giving advice and have time could you read some of my threads?

[NikB]

Hi Changed Woman - wow, another one of us in Sac?? I thought it was all the water in Cali but maybe there's extra of whatever "it" is here.

Did you know MichelleLT is also from Sac? Not sure if you've posted to her.

I'd be glad to read and comment - where's your main thread?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

wow Nik, you've got everyone begging for your advice!!! It feels really good to know that your M would work out, and now it really IS on the road to victory.

On your friend mentioning not forgetting to take care of you, this is one of the easiest things to let go of. I know I already have somewhat, but it is harder when you have no family around. Definitely keep what she said to heart forever, because I think the biggest reason we end up here is because we allow ourselves to think that our spouse is suppose to make us happy. it's subconscious, but it happens so easily.

Glad to see you had fun! Have you had any dinner parties again? I remember your last one was a great hit!

[Babygirl]

Hey Nik, sounds like you are doing great!! I try to remind myself to do things for me, I dont know about you, but sometimes, even tho it feels great, it makes me feel kind of guilty!
As always, thank you for sharing, being so honest and hopeful!!
man i missed ya'll this weekend lol!
HUGS!

[Separated]

Wow Nik!! I took almost a full day and started going through yr threads...will admit didn't read ALL (would have taken days!!!) but read the whole begining few and more recent.

You seem to be doing great!! You went through alot over the last two years but you still held on strong. I am in the first few months of Seperation after the ILYBNILY and almost same thing as yr H, I got the I only married you because it was the logical thing to do and was the "next step".

Seeing your determination makes me feel much better especially when I get nervous that too much time has gone by (He's been out of our apartment for 4 months now) makes me more hopefully and even more determined to stick by what i believe and fight for our M.

I will continue following your threads...Good Luck!!!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Nik--

Where you been????

SMW

[S.T. _I Made It!]

ya Nik, fill us in! Hope your weekend is planned with exciting fun! even if it's just in the bedroom hint hint