Nugget - I would like you to elaborate on your experience with detaching. Please let me know what worked for you and how you finally did it.
I apologize that I am not familiar with your situation. I hope you are getting some good input on the newcomers forum about your situation.
When I started to deal with my failing marriage I came here and read several books (don't we all). Everywhere I sought advice or knowledge there was one constant message being expressed. Detach!!! I would hear and read all over:
"You have to detach for them to love you again." "You have to detach in order to move on." "You have to detach in order to get a life." "You have to detach in order to heal." "You have to detach in order for the pain to stop." "You have to detach in order to think and act clearly."
Detach came up over and over and over. "Yeah I get it I need to detach." Well easier said then done. I struggled with detaching, because I did not understand what it really means to detach. To me they idea seemed so wrong. So opposite from what i wanted. "Detach. Are you serious! I don't want to detach from my wife. Just the opposite. I want to stay attached. She is the one leaving and detaching from me. You all preach detach, but that is not for me. Attach, attach attach. That is what I am going to do." Well my attaching was not working out. Things were not getting better. I was not feeling better. I went on like this for 6 months. It was not until I started reading a book on anger and a book on co-dependency did I start to see what all the hub bub was about with detaching. I started to realize that when you detach correctly and for the right reasons, that it is very healing. It is like an awakening.
When we talk about detaching from our spouses or from the situation, we are not talking about separating ourselves from them/it or giving up or abandoning them/it. We are talking about detaching from the things that come along with caring for them. Detaching from the raw emotions, feelings, control, fear that come from caring for them. We need to detach from our need to control them. The need to worry about the choices the make. The need to concerned about them making a mistake or doing something they will regret.
We can not control their actions, their words or their choices. We do not control the situation alone. We can only control how we react to them and the situation. We can only control our behavior not theirs. But there is plenty that we can do to influence their behavior. How we act around them, what we say to them and how we react to what they say and do to use will always directly influence their behavior. ALWAYS!
I have recently thrown a blog page together that has some great information about detaching. What it means. Why it is crucial. What happens if we do not detach. And how to detach. Hope I have helped you. Please let me know if you need anything.
