I spent last weekend shooting at Blackwater USA in North Carolina with a world champion and somebody else paying for the ammo. It was a fantastic time, a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and I kind of considered it part of my GAL. When the chance came up (I won a contest) I never considered not going--and for me, that's a big step.
It's only been a little over a week since I made love to my wife, but I'm getting antsy. Last Wednesday, the night before I had to get on a plane to be gone for three days (that's a long separation for us) she rolled over in bed and said, as nearly as I can remember: "Honey, I love you, and I want to show you that I love you, but I'm so tired. I think all I can manage is the 'vanilla' kind of sex tonight."
On the one hand, I liked her honesty. We made love and it was nice. Nothing to write home about, but nice. Loving. On the other hand, I didn't enjoy the implication that this was her favor to me (even though I know that this is true) that she was not really looking forward to the chore of having sex with me (even though I know this is true, too) and, most of all, that she was apologizing for disappointing me, because I demand some sort of wild, kinky sex every time and she was only up for "vanilla."
It's true that I've introduced all the more adventurous ideas into our bed. She occasionally talks a good game, sometimes buys something or other, but she rarely actually uses the stuff she buys or follows through with her talk. But why does she think I've done that? Because she keeps saying "Maybe if we try this or that, then I could get excited."
From my side of the bed, it always feels like I have to bring up some new idea that's wilder or more forbidden than last time, because just the thought of making love to me, her husband, her lover, is just not exciting enough to overcome whatever it is that's dropped an anvil on her sex drive. I'm so tired of this.
Still, I know she's trying. I know she's frustrated just like I am. I just wish she wasn't frustrated by sex; it'd be OK if she were frustrated by the lack of it, because I can fix that.
A few days ago I found one of my "for couples" porn videos in the player in our bedroom. It's a VHS and it was stopped halfway through a scene. I asked her about it during a very private moment and she admitted that she'd been watching it by herself, which I found very arousing (technically this would be considered "hardcore" pornography, but it's produced by a woman and intended to be watched by men, women, and couples. The scenes are fun and loving with none of the weirdness that often creeps into mainstream pornography.) But I'm afraid that my asking her about it embarrassed her; I haven't heard any more about it since.
A few days after that, she really surprised me. It was the first day of school for teachers, and I had to deal with my pregnant co-teacher all day. She's good assertiveness training; last year, she made the new teacher who worked with her go to McDonald's and get her lunch. She doesn't try stuff like that with me, and if she asks for something I don't think is appropriate, I just say no (this is so easy with other women.) I called my wife to see about having lunch together and mentioned this teacher had asked me to do something, and I'd told her I wouldn't. My wife joked that she was jealous at the thought of "another woman ordering you around." I told her she could give all the orders she wanted and get the same answer. "Yeah, well, she doesn't do all things you like for you that I do." she joked.
That was a Friday. I joked back that I couldn't wait to get home so she could do these things I like. It fell on deaf ears. I made a few more cracks on Saturday. Nothing. Finally, on Sunday, she agreed that we would "play." The problem was that she wasn't up for sex, but she was willing to try something new, which was that I would lie back and relax and she would touch me instead of the other way around. This was a HUGE step for her. We've had sex for years where I touch every part of her body and she touches almost no part of mine. I get kisses on the lips, hands on genitals, and that's IT. I had almost forgotten how much it bothered me; it just seemed like she thought I was too unattractive to be worth touching. Before anyone asks, YES, I had brought this up years ago and then again every once in awhile. I told her honestly how it made me feel. She either didn't care or didn't understand, but either way, nothing changed. Until that Sunday night. She used her hands, and she touched my legs, my belly, and my chest. It sounds pathetic as I write it now, but it was better than anything I've experienced in years. It felt like she wanted to touch me, at least a little.
Anyway, now it's been over a week, and the cackling hens in the teacher's lounge today were discussing sex and how none of them get enough, and all I could think was "Line up and let's see who's serious," and so clearly I'm losing it a little bit. All in all, it was a good day. I got a lot of work done, I had a good time teaching, I ate well and had a killer workout. But I still let this sex thing cloud my thinking, and a good day turns into another day with no sex in sight. Now my wife is sick, and I know it's not her fault, but a little part of me says she's glad she's sick because now she won't have to fake interest in sex with me for at least a few days. I hate feeling like I'm her unpleasant chore.
