Is he starting to come home?

[Ready2Change]

Warning: One thing I did was "appreciate" things too much. W gave me a nice thoughtful present. I did a 180 and wrote her a thank you note. I think this was "Pressure".

[No Longer BH]

Ready, that is EXACTLY what I am afraid of. I think I am going to only reach out 1x for every three of his. That way he does not feel appreciated or pressured but does not feel rejected. Thanks for your input, it really helps.

[runningoutoftime]

I don't think a thank you note is pressure.... just a quick, "Hey thanks for the _____. Take care, Your name" that's just being polite. That's something you might convey to anyone.

I think it's okay as long as you don't add any "love" words or mush. Just a nice polite acknowledgement....

BH, the reaching out 1x for every three of his is wise. BTW, I too had little DB "goals." For example, I remember one of those goals being to get him to call me, another was getting him to invite me to do something. They were always very small, gradual, and one-step-at-a-time.

[NikB]

Mini hijack, sorry!

Buy some good wines and offer him a glass next time he is over. Let him start to associate fine wine with you, not her. I recommend wines from the Carneros Valley in California. I have found that you get what you pay for with wine, and a bottle of $20.- $30. is much better than a $10-$12. bottle. I'm sure everyone from California will say, "Of course, Sara is an idiot to have to figure that out."

Sara.. I learned this on my "sanity trip" to Sonoma when I took a solo trip to the wine country after the last bomb in October. I literally packed the car and started driving.. intended to start in Sonoma and make it to the coast but I fell in love with Sonoma and stayed there.

And I've lived here since I was ummmm 10 or so... so, it took me awhile too.

There ARE some great not quite as pricey wines but for the affect, I agree, offer him the fine wine that's "obvious."

The latest GREAT one I bought was a Frei Bros Estate Cabernet.. $20 or so and SO good.

Sebastiani... Bogle... for fun maybe a Viansa... good stuff.

[NikB]

And back to you, brokenhearted... I hope my post earlier didn't sound negative! I TOTALLY didn't mean it that way but realized in hindsight it might have sounded that way.

I'm trying to help you both see the hopeful signs and avoid the mistakes I made, all at once, and I think it was too much. Sorry!

I DO think that many of the recent signs are positive, and they most definitely mirror the signs I saw from my H before he came home.

You might also look in the Surviving forum for posts from SallyM. She and her H were literally almost D'd (and he either lived with or almost lived with OW), and he decided to come back... and at last report they were very, very happy. It's both more recent than mine and maybe more similar to your story, so she might have some thoughts for you too. And her H posts here once in a great while so maybe you can get the flip-side perspective.

In any case things DO seem VERY positive. I was just afraid of you getting caught up and losing "you" in all this (like I did). Sorry, a bit of projecting there.

I'm so glad to see things turning around for you a bit!

[Ready2Change]

I don't think a thank you note is pressure.... just a quick, "Hey thanks for the _____. Take care, Your name" that's just being polite. That's something you might convey to anyone.

I agree. Thank you note is not pressure. My note went over the top (But again I never gave W notes).

[No Longer BH]

Root, thanks for sharing your goals. I have been keeping similar ones as well. One day soon I am goind to post them to get feed back. Anyone else is welcome to do the same.

NikB, did not think your first post was negative, just insightful on what to try and avoid. I, too, made those same mistakes the first time he came back after being gone for 2 weeks. He was a mess, I was a mess, the whole thing sucked. We did not have time to work on our individual issues, so things only got worse. I am in a much better place. Thank you for the warning though. I will take at look at SallyM's thread as well. Thanks for the heads up.

I also REALLLLLLLYYYYYYY appreciate you saying that his signs are similar to what your H did. I gives me strength and encouragement that I am doing the right things. Today he was all smiles, wished me happy birthday many times, told me I looked good and even refered to me as "Mom" instead of "your Mother" to S. After I left I called him because I forgot to ask him something. When he answered the phone he said, "Well Hello birthday girl!" in his cheeriest voice. MOre babysteps.

Ready, I read what I think is your current thread and I have not been able to tell exactly what your sitch is with your W. Post me your link, I would love to pop over there as well.

[NikB]

Happy Birthday!!!!!

Good stuff from your H, too. Glad to see it.

[Ready2Change]

Here is my sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1533173#Post1533173

The baby goals Michele talks about is good advise.

If YOU make a change in the way you interact with Spouse, you have changed the relationship all by yourself. REMEMBER THIS!!!!!

Do more of what works. If what you are doing doesn't work, stop doing it.

If you do not have the baby goals, you will miss small changes that show the relationship is improving.

Read some of my first posts, and eye contact was a baby goal. W is talking to me a little now. She stared into my eyes waiting for an answer a few weeks ago. Completely caught me of guard, but I took this as a step forward.

PATIENCE and FORGIVENESS and REAL GIVING are very important!

[No Longer BH]

OK, guess I am feeling a little down at the moment. First, I want to say that I have had a wonderful day. Thank you NikB for the birthday wish, that was very kind. I can not believe how blessed I am with all of the wonderful loving people in my life. THere was phone call after phone call from great people wishing me a happy birthday. I t was a beautiful day here as well. I got to sit by a lake with friends and hear children laugh while doing the same with my friends. Then I was treated to a wonderful evening of great food, great wine and great conversation. See, I really dont need H. Even though I tried my hardest not to bring him up, he did come up a couple of times. The thing that all my friends keep telling me is to be careful that he is not buttering me up for D. I KNOW its not that, since D will not happen until May of next year at the earliest due to S school (we are waiting to D until house sells and will not be on the market until March/April of next year).

So, those little devils of doubt have been whispering in my ear - he does not want you, just wants to be your friend because then he does not have to fell like the bad guy, it relieves his guilt. H is still seeing OW,even though he says he is not, but just does not want to look bad so he does not have to face his actions....these kind of thought. I have seen so many babysteps, but they dont mean that he is missing me. Does not matter though, I will still continue to do what I am doing because it is the right thing to do. With my new confidence and peaceful attitude, if he does not see a good thing that is in front of him, then he would not know how to cherish it anyway.

Sorry, not a very high PMA at the moment because all of my friends keep saying that he is just making things good so the D will go easy. Just wanted to purge some of my negative energy in hopes of finding some positive ones instead. Thanks