What are your thoughts on "If at first you don't succeed, try something different"? Do you ever find yourself being caught in the "insanity" of trying the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results? Where do you see yourself and your relationship in these thoughts?
How often do you find yourself trying to "work harder", instead of being able to "work smarter"? What things are you doing things that you're SURE are right, but where you are actually making things worse? Where are you getting stuck on doing what you think is the "logical" thing to do, "going down with the ship", defending solutions that you are SURE are right?
Have there ever been times when you've NOT tried to defend your position? If so, what were the results?
What "cheeseless tunnels" do you find yourself going down? What "solutions" are you absolutely SURE are right, so you keep trying them over and over?
What new things, what novelties, could you introduce into your relationship? Is there anything new, any "zany" things that you did in the past that produced good results? Is your relationship too predictable? Are YOU to predictable?
Michele wants us to keep in mind that relationship enhancement is a trial and error process. That there is no such thing as failure, just useful feedback on what to try next.
What are some of the areas of your relationships where you find yourself on auto-pilot? How are you acting during these times, and what are you doing? What things could you do to shift your relationship out of this automatic mode? Can you think of any "unexpected" actions you could take, even little things, that could "change the scenery" of your relationship?
Do you have something in mind you'd like to try, but may be afraid to experiment with?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I've been doing some research. I definitely know that I'm always available. I'm always agreeable. I'm always patient. I'm an encourager. I know that I'm the pursuer. I don't smother, but he knows that he almost doesn't have to try. I'm always kind. I never get angry at him or anyone. I know that I put the quality of my life on hold for him and to wait for him. I must look pathetic in his eyes. I want to lead by example. I want to show him that I respect myself by pursuing my life. I keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is noticing. 'Acting as if' I'm so happy even when I'm not is so difficult and tiring, but I know that I want to be strong. I'm glad we are talking again after 1-1/2 years, though. It isn't any easier. It is always so easy to slip back to past behaviors. I keep measuring myself constantly. I miss him very much.
Hi Jo Jo, What are you concluding after thinking about your consistent, patient behavior?
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hi . . . good talking to you. Thank you for being encouraging and supportive. I never want to give up being patient. I don't want to be taken for granted and give up too much of myself. I like this new 'lovingly distance' thing. My tendancy is to be available, show how much I love, give and give more. My reasoning is always that the more you show that you love, the more 'he' would love in return and appreciate. Distancing is strange and scarey. Now that 'A' is talking to me, I want to pick up the phone, give him this, do that for him, be an open book. Being distant and being a little mysterious is difficult. I talk to myself a lot. AMAZINGLY, good does come from it. He seems to actually look for me. He seems a little bit more open with his life and less mysterious. Hmmmm? He has called me twice since Friday. Thank the Lord that my cellphone was not working. God works in mysterious ways. How difficult it is for me to just let God do his work. Anyhow, I kinda' like this 'off the radar screen' stuff. He doesn't see the bleeping on the screen since I have distanced from 'M', too. Funny? huh? Goal: light and easy, slow and steady, fun, protect my boundaries . . . in a good way. I look forward to sharing happiness and joy with him. Thank you for your advice! Big Hug!
What did I do in the past that produced good results? All I can think about is being confident and sure of myself and my goals. It seemed to get very relaxed once we got married, and my marriage became my identity. I don't want to do that anymore, but it is the behavior I gravitate towards. I don't like it. I've been forcing myself to believe that my H, 'A', will look for me from time to time. When I feel confident with that I seem to be able to enjoy the moment or look for things to enjoy. Looking through my books, taking a walk, going to the beach, signing up for a class, exercise more consistently, looking for a new job, trying on new makeup, getting my hair done, eating better, making a scrapbook of redefining myself, being grateful . . . finishing projects -- all I long to do instead of putting energy into being anxious and sad about 'A'. I believe more than before that the more I do the things I enjoy, 'A' will feel less pressured in pursuing me. You think? I hope so. Sometimes, these tiny, weeny baby steps make me crazy.
I'm not sure sometimes what is different . . . so I become paralyzed. Should I call him, should I not, should I tell him, should I not, if I do that, will he think this. I think I'm going to go crazy. Nothing seems to feel right.
My mother just had an aneurism behind her good eye. She could hardly see for almost a week. The doctor decided to operate. Two days later, my dad took her to get her hair done. When she got up to leave, she reached for her cane, lost her balance and fell through an unanchored bookcase (used as a room divider). I am thankful that she didn't break any bones, at 83 years old. However, she tore up her right shin pretty badly. No stitches, but she has a huge bruise. I'm a wreck worrying about the both of them.
So . . . I want to be strong. I am staying with them, but I want to tell 'A', my 'H' about everything. I feel if I tell him, he will feel manipulated. I want to show him that I am strong. However, I want to have a dialogue with him. If I tell him, I am frightened that I he won't see me as strong, but he will see me as needy. I do miss him, and I want to open up and share my life. I'm afraid. Times like these, it reminds me how emotionally alone I really am.
Dear JoJo, I hear your struggle with trying to keep up a healthy balance of connection and living your own life (aka - "not always available"). Your phone didn't work one day, so that created an unpredictable behavior from you, right? If you are not sure what is different, as your 1st paragraph says, then I would encourage you to journal your behavior in the recent past or start now. It can be very helpful to review, as our memories can get a bit clouded. A journal could also be useful to map how consistent you are with any types of changes you make.
Now, do I understand since he attempted those calls, that he has not called since? But, you sound a bit worried or possibly are you a bit anxious at this point?
Regarding being needy and sharing the news about your mom, I wonder how A responds when you've been needy in the past? Does he get quiet, angry, distant, etc.? When he has reacted to your neediness (at least what he thinks is neediness), what are you generally saying or doing (using whiney cliches, a sad tone, defeated body language, etc.)?
Does talking about your mom fit under the category of you sounding needy? The thing I thought A responded caringly about was any news about your folks. Do I remember that correctly? If so, sharing your mom's situation may not fit under the "needy" category. I don't know this for sure, but simply asking you about that.
JJ, what are your thoughts?
(And many hugs back!)
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
hi "L" . . . thanks for writing. These waves of depression are beating me up. I felt most comfortable emailing 'A'. In it, I came right out and said that I need 'reassurance'. He responded with a lot of empathy and told me to 'cheer up'. After receiving the email, I felt worse. I suppose I 'needed' more. I hate myself for feeling that way because I know that a year ago, we weren't even talking.
My guy friend, 'K', told me I should have called him. I think I was afraid I was going to cry if I called. I'm always afraid of calling him.
I have been feeling very desperate and crying a lot. Between my job, my parents, my financial stresses, and my frienemy 'M', my other friend having operation. I feel like desperately grabbing onto him.
I am upset that we have not moved closer since my birthday dinner. I know he has been busy, but I know that he has made time for 'M'. It is difficult for me that they talk everyday and see each other at least once a week. I don't know how to develop our own relationship outside of 'M'. I'm very, very afraid. I am very jealous of their friendship.
'A' did come into the store yesterday. I was very busy, but he waited around to talk a bit. I hate the brief snippits of time, but I know last year he wouldn't even step into the store. I wanted him to ask me 'out'!! I wanted to run after him when he left and beg him to not go. . .I want to hang out with him and see movies and begin developing closeness. It mentions something in Men are from Mars that men tend to go in and out from emotional closeness to their caves to regain a sense of identity and a feeling of control.
'K' said that I should focus on thinking about the good times to come, and stop focusing on what didn't work. That helps a little. I hate feeling desperate. My quality of life stinks.
I am going to do the things you suggest. I know it will help me. I need to feel more confident about this. I want to see more friendly consistency ... how?
doing something different for me is to disappear. doing something different for me would be to be extremely selfish and sure of myself. doing something different would be not being an open book. doing something different would be acting confident, not being available, act busy, feel happy. I miss him. I wish I had a friend who was truly on my side and truly understood, but they either don't understand or they are not on my side.
I'm concentrating on a new job. I need to exercise, but my depression seems too heavy. doing something different would mean to beat this depression.
