I know. I know. I'm a little different than you: 4 kids. She took 'em all. My kids want to see me, but she has a court order saying I am a danger to them. I cannot phone them. I live by myself now. I know what it is to lose a family.
What a woman wants is a strong man, someone to rely on. someone independent. There's a theory that says the MLCer is afraid of their feelings, afraid of what they are thinking, doing. They are sort of aware, and they see that it doesn't make sense, but cannot confront it, so they ignore it, they stop thinking about what they are doing and the effect it has on everyone. It's too painful for them to confront.
You are rational and trying to show her - "look at what a wreck this will all turn out to be!" but that is EXACTLY what she is runnign from. The more you compel her to look, the further away she will want to run.
so you wait. patiently. you wait for the fever to run its course. you wait for the storm to pass. but not only wait - find stuff to do. go on being yourself. have fun.
Above all be attractive. Strong. Happy. Confident. Competent.
I know, I know what I am saying. I know it is not easy. I know your confidence is shot. Well, mine was, anyway. But this is what the woman in your life wants. A strong, reliable man. A rock.
For now she will run and go to bars and flee life. You just continue standing, being the rock, being reliable. Being like the Oklahoma farmer as he watches a tornado blow away his crop. You see it's destruction. And you wait it out. And the next day you get back to work, determined as ever.
She needs someone strong to retrun to. Pulling her back won't work. But if you are strong, that is the best chance she will return to you.
That's the theory anyway.
You're right that talking to other people won't change the situation. But it might help you cope better. It might help you tolerate it and understand it and work through it.
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The other day I was watching this reality show. There was a couple who had a labrador retriever, and it was the most ill behaved animal. It was digging in the kitchen trash, knocking stuff over in the house, jumping on the counter. A lab! on the counter. It even ate it's own crap. Really gross.
The owners were always like "Cheechee! Here; cheechee! Cheechee! come along" as the dog romped through the park knocking kids down. "Cheechee! Come back! Cheechee!" The dog totally ignored them.
So this hit-man (hit-woman) dog trainer comes in. It's feeding time. The dog trainer holds the dish full of food, just looks at the dog, and waits. And the dog is hyper, and running around, and the trainer is still just waiting. And looking. The dog jumps up on her, reaching for the food. and the trainer watches and waits. The dog knocks over the trash. More waiting. The trainer makes not a single command or sound. And after like 5 minutes of this, the dog settles. Starts walking around instead of jumping. and then after another minute, the dog's sits. Another couple seconds, the dog's head bows down. And then a moment later, the dog is lying down, completely submissive. Waiting for dinner.
Thsi is exactly what the owners wanted the dog to do, but all their hysterical calling "Cheechee! get down girl! Cheechee, don't jump! Cheechee! settle down!" never worked. They kept calling more and more, louder and louder, and the dog never listened.
The trainer did something DIFFERENT. Actually the trainer did much less. Mostly she waited. She was completely still. The trainer did not try what was proven not to work. It was amazing. Of course, she had to know JUST WHAT TO DO. She was a trained expert, see, and the owners weren't. They were just regular people who didn't know any better.
