Is he starting to come home?

[Ready2Change]

How did you look? How did you smell?

Did you treat H with respect?

Do you really want S to go to other school?

How did YOU feel at the end of the evening?

[No Longer BH]

Ready - I looked cute tonight. I make it a point to ALWAYS look cute or sexy around him.

Have this new lotion that smells wonderful. Kind of similar to a purfume I had a long time ago that drove H wild.

I only treat him with respect, kindness and an open heart. There is no anger in me anymore, I have found peace in my life. I do not judge what he says or does, just try to listen when he needs it. I have come to a place that if H does not ever want to come home, I am still good. I am thankful that we can at least seperate as friends.

I LOVED S old school. It is a private school that we had to pull him from due to H uncontrollable spending. He wiped out our savings and borrowed all of his 401K. He has nothing to show for any of it. Just showed me how sick he became.

Hmmm....that is a good question. I felt good that he kept wanting to talk to me. Felt alot like old times. Especially since we were laughing and joking. Did not like that he brought up D again, but I try not to focus on that because his actins were different than his words. It felt VERY uncomfortable to me keeping the distance that I did. I am a very affectionate kind of person, so it almost felt as if I was being mean by not standing with him. Again, though, this is my issue, not his. I did not want to be too pushy after the last day of him pulling back some. I was trying to give him space. Just dont want it to seem like I was blowing him off. Like I said, I was all smiles and nice, just not seeking him out or following him or starting converations with him - being inconsistant.

At the end of it all, I feel it went alright, but that is because of MY insecurities - did I do it right? was I distant enough? was I too distant? kind of thing. Tomorrow will tell.

Thanks for checking back in on me. I try and help out newbies as well, but sometimes us worn out vets need reassurance. Thanks again.

[runningoutoftime]

I think you did very well. One way you need to think about this is you are giving him a chance to experience what life will be like once the D goes through. You'd be friends, but not "best friends." My guess is he brings up the D to see your reaction.

[No Longer BH]

Ok, so last night I made a goal that I wanted H to IM me at some point today. He has rarely done that in the last 2 years and yesterday was the first time in 6 months. I had not been logged on more than 15 min when he contacted me. Yeah, babystep!

We chatted for a couple of min. He wanted to know how I was and how son was. After I answered these quetions in a very upbeat and friendly manner, and thanked him for attending last night, I said I had to go but I hope you have a great weekend. Then I made it look like I logged off. See, I ended it first also. Another plus for me.

I had a friend tell me yesterday that she thought I was crazy to keep my hope up. She could not understand why I would want to "hang on" to someone who did not want me and had an A. My responce was that I was not hanging on, I was having faith that he would come back. I do not NEED H, but want him in my life. I now have that, even though it is not to the degree that I would want, it is a positive. As far as him not wanting me, I told her that I felt the signs were different. He left me while in a ton of emotional pain. When he thinks of that pain, I am also pictured there with it. I am trying to change that image so that I am there during happy times as well. His protective side is what made him leave, but the side of him that is still in love is what is making him reach out. Everyday there is a battle going on in his head - I want to love but I dont want to be hurt. FOr so long all I saw was the distance, now I am seeing him reach out to me again. To me, this just means that the loving side is winning, but on those times he is pulling back or talking about D, its the protective side trying to take over. Hope that makes sence to everyone.

Here is my next goal. Tomorrow is my birthday. H will be coming over at 11 am to get son, then I am going to leave to spend the night with friends and come home on Sunday. My next goal is that H buys me a birthday card. Nothing loving or anything like that, just a small gesture to acknowledge me on my birthday. If it does not happen, thats fine, if it does, then that is a big step!

[No Longer BH]

I just need to get this out and dont know where to go with it. I opened my mail today and there was a letter from a wine of the month club membership saying that the subscription he bought for OW was running out this month, did he want to renew it. Now, I had no idea about this and was so very shocked. I slipped and called company to find out what was bought and when. I was a 6 mnth package purchased in Nov for 176.00(her Bday is the begining of Dec, but he claims they were just friends at that point). I had already found out that he had spent 350.00 on flowers for her that he admitted to but he never told me about this. I know, it is in the past, the behavior of my alien H. I will not let this affect my attitude around him, it just hit me when I did not see it coming.

Im trying to take deep breathes and let it go. Only need to focus on today. I hate being triggered. I can at least tell I am getting better because there would have been a time where I would have been on the floor crying my eyes out over this.

[NikB]

Hey brokenhearted - checking in as you asked, I don't have a lot of time now but will definitely post more this weekend.

YES, they definitely test the waters and it sure sounds like your H might be doing that. It may be relief that it's "over," as you say, but it sounds more like he's trying things out to me.

Keep strong and keep your focus on your happiness. That's the key mistake I made - when H DID come back, I fell too quickly back into old habits, especially "losing" myself a bit in him. If you keep focused on you and keep those positives going, yes he might hurt you again, but it won't hurt NEARLY as bad.

I think ROOT had great advice for you along those lines.

The DB coach had great advice, also.

You're doing a great job empathizing and seeing things from his point of view - that's very helpful, for sure.

I DO think you're getting way too focused on him again. You NOT focusing on him is what's got him thinking... let him keep thinking. Just for example, your goal about him buying you a birthday card - yes, it would be nice if he does, but that's not a goal. It's a wish or a hope. You can't control it. And, you're setting him up very unfairly for a "test" he doesn't even know about. If he does buy you a card, it's "a big step" in your eyes... he doesn't know this. He might buy you a card to be cordial, and you take it as "OMG he's coming home!!!" - Make sense?? It changes how you act/react around him.

What goals do you have for YOU this weekend?

And... Happy Birthday, by the way!!!

[Sara]

Buy some good wines and offer him a glass next time he is over. Let him start to associate fine wine with you, not her. I recommend wines from the Carneros Valley in California. I have found that you get what you pay for with wine, and a bottle of $20.- $30. is much better than a $10-$12. bottle. I'm sure everyone from California will say, "Of course, Sara is an idiot to have to figure that out."

[theotherhalf]

I had a friend tell me yesterday that she thought I was crazy to keep my hope up. She could not understand why I would want to "hang on" to someone who did not want me and had an A. My responce was that I was not hanging on, I was having faith that he would come back. I do not NEED H, but want him in my life. I now have that, even though it is not to the degree that I would want, it is a positive. As far as him not wanting me, I told her that I felt the signs were different. He left me while in a ton of emotional pain. When he thinks of that pain, I am also pictured there with it. I am trying to change that image so that I am there during happy times as well. His protective side is what made him leave, but the side of him that is still in love is what is making him reach out. Everyday there is a battle going on in his head - I want to love but I dont want to be hurt. FOr so long all I saw was the distance, now I am seeing him reach out to me again. To me, this just means that the loving side is winning, but on those times he is pulling back or talking about D, its the protective side trying to take over. Hope that makes sence to everyone.

AWESOME!!

[Ready2Change]

Hi,

You sound very strong. Keep your head high and keep moving forward!

[No Longer BH]

NikB - first of all, thank you so much for stopping bye. I really appreciate the insight you have given me here and on your thread as well. I just want to clear up the birthday card goal. In DR, Michelle talks about making goals to mark the steps forward from our WAS. I look at it this way; if I get a card from him (not expecting one at all though) it will definately show me that he has taken another step towards R, if I dont then I need to come up with another goal to watch for as an indicator that we are moving forward. I use my goals as a way to see how far we have come so far; went from NC to getting joking emails, to cookies left behind and compliments to seeking me out for conversations. Because I have made a list of small goals, I can see we are still moving forward and gain strength from that.


Sara, funny you should offer up that advice. I already offered him a glass one night but he had a sinus infection and was on meds so declined. I will wait a couple of weeks then offer again. Another opportunity for a baby step - H says yes to a glass of wine with me.

TOH - glad you liked it!

Despite the steps that I have seen from him, sometimes I do get scared that I am reading too much into things. After hearing NikB's story and a couple of others from the success forum, I started to get a better PMA today. Thank you all for your support.