Babygirl Wow.. yeah, lots of similarities. Except in my case she has two daughters (different Dads).
Yeah.. don't bother having people "talk" to her or your H... it won't do you any good and if anything may push them closer together. The "us against the world" or "nobody understands us!" thing.
Glad I've been able to help!
ST I agree - it's VERY little things, and some not so little. I'll answer in a minute although part of me wonders if I even NOTICED the small things.
Poet Aww I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't read up on you in awhile - I will do that soon.
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NikB, what were some of the signs that he started to show you when he started to want to come back? I dont think it hits them like a bolt of lightening, I think it is a slow process they go through building up trust to return. They are conflicted at times so their actions can be confusing. Just wanted to know some of the babysteps that he did that lead to the final step home. Thanks
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Absolutely it doesn't hit them like a bolt of lightning... that's for sure.
I'll see what I can remember... this is all referring to the first bomb/sep, since he never actually physically left after the second one.
Our separation was a little weird in that he never really totally left. He rented a room from a friend but he was at our house quite a bit. He's big-time into cars as a hobby and couldn't take them to the place he was renting, plus he has a whole "shop" type setup at our house, so he was over a lot working on the cars.
When I started thinking he MIGHT be changing his mind I noticed these types of little things: - When I would get all decked out to go out (and GAL, while he was over working in the garage), he would smile at me, give me that "you look good!" look, or sometimes outright compliment me
- I'd catch him looking at me when I left, but trying to hide it.
- A lot of times friends and I traded "driving duty" - at first he didn't much notice who was picking me up. When he seemed to be questioning things, I'd notice him really straining to see who was in the car.
- When I got home from somewhere (with the convertible top down, radio up, and me singing along) - he'd sometimes flash me a big smile or say "Wow had fun?" or things like that.
- He called me more often.
- He smiled at me more (this is something he never totally stopped doing though.. along with the eye contact thing, he never avoided that)
- He kept complimenting things about the house or noticing things I'd done (i.e. "You got new flowers for the kitchen table, those look nice")
- He would show up unannounced sometimes.. which was good and bad. It was a boundary I set that he had to call first, but I let it slide a couple of times depending on the circumstances. A little back story - every Sunday we have a tradition of making a really nice steak dinner together and often we toast "to another great Sunday dinner!" Sundays were the roughest for both of us I think, partly for this reason. Towards the time he was considering moving back, he showed up unannounced one Sunday night and said "Steak dinner?" with a really sad look on his face. We had dinner, and he said he missed "this."
- Talked a LOT about not liking where he was living and why.
- Almost rented a house literally a few houses down from ours... and even asked me if I wanted to look at it with him when she showed him the place. I realize this doesn't sound positive at first, but he wanted me to know and care about where he was living. - He would do the chores he'd agreed to do (like mowing the lawn) but with less complaining about how it was "so much work" and he'd "never catch up"
And in my case there were a lot of bigger things, too... - Told me the neighbor said he should "just swallow your pride and go home."
- Said often that he didn't know what he was doing, he was "bad," etc. Very depressed.. but the fact that he shared it with me some was big.
- He'd look for me - one GAL thing I did a lot was take the dog to the park. He'd actually tell me "I dropped by the park first to see if you were there" when he came over and I was out.
- In conjunction with looking for me... he'd do things like shop at our local grocery store even though he was living far from here. He was always happy and "surprised" to bump into me there.
- He stayed over more nights. From the very beginning I hadn't ever "made" him not stay the night (part of me always wondered if this was a mistake.. still do wonder). If he was there and asked to stay, I let him. Well, he started staying more and more often... and leaving more and more stuff each time.
- He "house sat" for me when I went on a girls' trip to San Diego. And he never left. But there was a hilarious time period in there... it seems like it was months long but it might've only been a month or so... ST do you remember? He was living out of his suitcase, with only the clothes that he brought over for house-sitting. The suitcase sat on the floor, in front of "his" former dresser drawers (that I had moved a bunch of my stuff into when he left), and he wore whatever he'd brought. He started throwing it in with my laundry and asking if I minded... I didn't so I washed his stuff for him (often since he didn't have many clothes!). When he finally "offically" moved back home it was almost a non-event... one Sunday after our steak dinner he said "So... what do you think?" I asked about what, and he said something about getting the rest of his clothes. In hindsight it was kinda funny. This is also where I feel I made a huge mistake - he wasn't ready yet, and neither was I. But, that's how it happened.
Hope that helps some!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
