I'm conflicted with the advice I want to give you. I can see the benefits of spending time together as a family. However, I see that you are really struggling emotionally, and are in a lot of turmoil. You have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders right now and pretty soon you'll be on empty, if you're not there already. I really think you need to take a *me* day. Take naps if you want, putter around the house, ENJOY the quiet of the house. That can be very healing to your soul.
I am feeling a little run down, but, these together opportunities come about so infrequently, that I've decided to add on another tank. I'm going out tonight with a friend that I haven't spent much time with in a while and then this weekend, I'll spend time with the kids and work on getting the littlest one's room put back together without 3/4 of her stuff so maybe she can more easily keep it clean. By the time Monday rolls around, I'll be OK.
You know, you have not really had a break, and I agree that I think it is time. Take a brain break Dan. Rest your mind and don't worry about your W. I know that is easier said than done, but once you get into the mindset, it honestly feels really good. Its about letting go a little.
It is hard because we all want to try so hard to get the WAS back. We want to make the marriage work. And at some point, we all come to the question, is it really worth it?
Only you can answer that. But before you can sit back and honestly answer, you need to give yourself a well deserved rest. For this weekend, don't worry about your W. If you don't want to go to the festival or whatever it is w/ the W, don't. There IS no obligation right now. I am not saying you should go hit on hot single women, but a little flirting is a great ego boost.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thx Lola. I got a call today while out with my best man for lunch. I've got an in person interview with a company close to the house at 1530. But, my best man also asked me to forward him my resume and he thought he might be able to hire me in to work for him and I'd only need to be in the office 1 day / week. So, that has my spirits perked up. I'm going out with 2 friends this evening where I will flirt shamelessly and hit on hot single women and sometimes even drag them off to the dance floor for wild crazy dancing.
Yes, I do need a break. I had a "break" on the third weekend in July for my e-mail list BBQ, except my MIL was in town and W blasted me with the "No actual parenting is being done" statement which of course she can't remember saying.
No, I'm feeling much better and a lot stronger after this morning's posts and realizing that it really is the death throws of the old me that is causing so much grief. It doesn't really matter what my W is doing or not doing likewise the kids and the house. What do we say, Life is 99% how we react to it. The fight is most vicious as the bell tolls. I have to keep pressing in and pushing forward. The old me is nearly dead and rising from those ashes like the Phoenix is a new me refined and forged in the furnace of the struggle.
I didn't really realize it this morning, but, when I came out and hugged my W and kissed her on the forehead, I wasn't operating in a needy reality, I was in a strong place, a place where I was giving her an opportunity to see what she is missing. She may choose to walk a different path, and if that happens, I will be sad. The old me would be devastated, because he needs her to be complete. The new me wants her or another woman as a compliment to his life and doesn't need her to make him complete.
I'm not there yet. I can't turn back now. I'm past the point of no return. I can't quit.
No, I needed this morning, but, now I need a new thread.
Amen to that Dan. My friend and I were talking about that last night, sometimes you just can't go back. Once you hit that point, you vent, cry and say goodbye to the old you, and the new one emerges.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I didn't really realize it this morning, but, when I came out and hugged my W and kissed her on the forehead, I wasn't operating in a needy reality, I was in a strong place, a place where I was giving her an opportunity to see what she is missing. She may choose to walk a different path, and if that happens, I will be sad. The old me would be devastated, because he needs her to be complete. The new me wants her or another woman as a compliment to his life and doesn't need her to make him complete.
Fabulous Dan! that is great, you've got the detachment thing nailed. I think you will start to be a very attractive prospect to her pretty soon - especially if you keep flashing flesh at her and smell good
I hope you have some wonderful family time, if you decide to go which it sounds like you have, and some great time on your own if you decide on that option. Let us know how it goes! Also, I think you should do something for you this weekend - you deserve it!
Here we go again, time for the next wild swing. I've been thinking and thinking and the more I ponder the evidence, the more I'm convinced that it has to be twisted pretty hard to not tell a story of an unfaithful wife. I think that I need to know the answer to that question.
I feel like continuing to DB in the face of probably unfaithfulness is dishonest and untimately being untrue to the new man I'm becoming. If I knew that she was faithful, I would gladly continue DBing under this heavy load. She has hurt me many times and I've hurt her many times. They pale in comparison to the pain of considering infidelity. We both always said that unfaithfulness was the one offense that would end our marriage.
If she is unfaithful, then I want for her, that she bear the true cost of her decisions, the crushing weight of responsibility and energy and time that the children and finances take. I want for me, the time to have a social life, a lessening of that crushing responsibility. I want for me, the freedom to not care with whom she is intimate except that it doesn't effect the kids. I want for me, the opportunity and freedom to experience a healthy relationship all the while desiring it with my wife.
I feel like our current situation doesn't present any opportunities for her to see that I'm moving on and that I'm doing just fine without her because frankly, right now, I'm not doing just fine without her. The load is too great and things are slipping through the cracks.
The rest of the world looks at me and sees a quality guy, W looks at me and sees a man of little or no worth. I'm starting to see in the mirror what the rest of the world sees and not what she sees.
I feel like the biggest 180 would be to serve her with D papers and pictures of her affairs. Maybe that isn't something we can say around here, I don't know. I feel like I need to have this question answered.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but, it is how I feel. I'm still going to take the family out on Monday and have a fun time. Yet, even while out with her, I will feel like I'm being untrue to myself until I know that answer.
I understand completely what you are going through. Is it the not knowing that is eating you up? Do you feel you just need answers to continue? I was thinking about my sitch the other day, and I know everyone's different, but I thought about how I would actually feel if I knew for sure my h was seeing someone else. Those feelings would be pretty devastated and I'm not sure I could carry on effectively DBing at this crucial time. ITH suggested to me to act as if there was no other woman and I have found that pretty helpful.
Would it really be a 180 to serve her with evidence, or is that what you would just like to do? A kind of revenge thing? Don't you think showing her how strong you are, and what a great father you are and how she is the one who is missing out would be a better form - just my opinion.
I know it must feel like she can't see the changes but if, as you say the rest of the world can see them, then I am pretty sure she can. She just chooses not to acknowledge them... yet. Patience is the key to this.
You know, you are doing an amazing thing holding everything together for your family. I just can't even fathom how difficult it must be for you with kids. You should take pride in it because I really admire you for it.
(((Dan))), I know this is hard, but I have said it before and will say it again. There is only one person who can determine how much you can take, and that is you. If your W having an A is a deal breaker for you, and that is all you can take, then you need to handle it the way you see fit.
Have you asked W about an OM? It's a little early for me, lol, and my coffee has not kicked in yet...so I don't remember. If she has said no, and you want to hire a PI, you are well within your rights to do so.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
