NikB, what were some of the signs that he started to show you when he started to want to come back? I dont think it hits them like a bolt of lightening, I think it is a slow process they go through building up trust to return. They are conflicted at times so their actions can be confusing. Just wanted to know some of the babysteps that he did that lead to the final step home. Thanks
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Wow Nik!! sounds like your ow could by H's ow sister!! Its what she does, in fact she has 2 boys with diff daddys from doing it, AND the first one was when she was married, and trust me, it wasnt her H's son, thats why he left her! My family, especially my bros and siss all live in the town she does, as do some of our friends, ALL of whom have offered to talk to H, oh and provided me with those nasty pics of her lol, and ofcourse, all they would say would be lies, because of me. so he wont hear it. A few months ago, I emailed him again, told him, when he was ready to see what he really had, I would gladly give him a copy of the pics she denies (they are dated lol)and that when he woke up and her reality smacked him in the face, he better not count on me to be here to pick him up this time. That was a brave day lol, when I wasnt so sick from chemo. Thats when he started gettign more involved here tho, hmmmm idk, who knows lol! thank you so much for being here and around, it really and truly is helping me more than you can ever know! hugs!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Babygirl...you live in Kansas!?! I still consider Wichita my home...only been in OK for 5 or 6 years.
to answer the question to nik about what signs show they are coming around...
IMO it's their peak in interest of you. when they start asking about what your doing, or they start using eye contact, just really little stuff.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
S.T. yea I live about 15 minutes north of wichita!!! hmmm dont know how to explain lol! you still live in tornado alley tho lol!
the bolt of lightening comment above(dont know how to highlight yet sorry) it hits us like a bolt of lightening, yet takes them forever i am guessing!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
"NikB, what were some of the signs that he started to show you when he started to want to come back? I dont think it hits them like a bolt of lightening, I think it is a slow process they go through building up trust to return. They are conflicted at times so their actions can be confusing. Just wanted to know some of the babysteps that he did that lead to the final step home. Thanks"
Babygirl Wow.. yeah, lots of similarities. Except in my case she has two daughters (different Dads).
Yeah.. don't bother having people "talk" to her or your H... it won't do you any good and if anything may push them closer together. The "us against the world" or "nobody understands us!" thing.
Glad I've been able to help!
ST I agree - it's VERY little things, and some not so little. I'll answer in a minute although part of me wonders if I even NOTICED the small things.
Poet Aww I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't read up on you in awhile - I will do that soon.
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NikB, what were some of the signs that he started to show you when he started to want to come back? I dont think it hits them like a bolt of lightening, I think it is a slow process they go through building up trust to return. They are conflicted at times so their actions can be confusing. Just wanted to know some of the babysteps that he did that lead to the final step home. Thanks
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Absolutely it doesn't hit them like a bolt of lightning... that's for sure.
I'll see what I can remember... this is all referring to the first bomb/sep, since he never actually physically left after the second one.
Our separation was a little weird in that he never really totally left. He rented a room from a friend but he was at our house quite a bit. He's big-time into cars as a hobby and couldn't take them to the place he was renting, plus he has a whole "shop" type setup at our house, so he was over a lot working on the cars.
When I started thinking he MIGHT be changing his mind I noticed these types of little things: - When I would get all decked out to go out (and GAL, while he was over working in the garage), he would smile at me, give me that "you look good!" look, or sometimes outright compliment me
- I'd catch him looking at me when I left, but trying to hide it.
- A lot of times friends and I traded "driving duty" - at first he didn't much notice who was picking me up. When he seemed to be questioning things, I'd notice him really straining to see who was in the car.
- When I got home from somewhere (with the convertible top down, radio up, and me singing along) - he'd sometimes flash me a big smile or say "Wow had fun?" or things like that.
- He called me more often.
- He smiled at me more (this is something he never totally stopped doing though.. along with the eye contact thing, he never avoided that)
- He kept complimenting things about the house or noticing things I'd done (i.e. "You got new flowers for the kitchen table, those look nice")
- He would show up unannounced sometimes.. which was good and bad. It was a boundary I set that he had to call first, but I let it slide a couple of times depending on the circumstances. A little back story - every Sunday we have a tradition of making a really nice steak dinner together and often we toast "to another great Sunday dinner!" Sundays were the roughest for both of us I think, partly for this reason. Towards the time he was considering moving back, he showed up unannounced one Sunday night and said "Steak dinner?" with a really sad look on his face. We had dinner, and he said he missed "this."
- Talked a LOT about not liking where he was living and why.
- Almost rented a house literally a few houses down from ours... and even asked me if I wanted to look at it with him when she showed him the place. I realize this doesn't sound positive at first, but he wanted me to know and care about where he was living. - He would do the chores he'd agreed to do (like mowing the lawn) but with less complaining about how it was "so much work" and he'd "never catch up"
And in my case there were a lot of bigger things, too... - Told me the neighbor said he should "just swallow your pride and go home."
- Said often that he didn't know what he was doing, he was "bad," etc. Very depressed.. but the fact that he shared it with me some was big.
- He'd look for me - one GAL thing I did a lot was take the dog to the park. He'd actually tell me "I dropped by the park first to see if you were there" when he came over and I was out.
- In conjunction with looking for me... he'd do things like shop at our local grocery store even though he was living far from here. He was always happy and "surprised" to bump into me there.
- He stayed over more nights. From the very beginning I hadn't ever "made" him not stay the night (part of me always wondered if this was a mistake.. still do wonder). If he was there and asked to stay, I let him. Well, he started staying more and more often... and leaving more and more stuff each time.
- He "house sat" for me when I went on a girls' trip to San Diego. And he never left. But there was a hilarious time period in there... it seems like it was months long but it might've only been a month or so... ST do you remember? He was living out of his suitcase, with only the clothes that he brought over for house-sitting. The suitcase sat on the floor, in front of "his" former dresser drawers (that I had moved a bunch of my stuff into when he left), and he wore whatever he'd brought. He started throwing it in with my laundry and asking if I minded... I didn't so I washed his stuff for him (often since he didn't have many clothes!). When he finally "offically" moved back home it was almost a non-event... one Sunday after our steak dinner he said "So... what do you think?" I asked about what, and he said something about getting the rest of his clothes. In hindsight it was kinda funny. This is also where I feel I made a huge mistake - he wasn't ready yet, and neither was I. But, that's how it happened.
Hope that helps some!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
NikB, you have no idea how much you just helped me. I see alot of the same behaviors in my WAH. Would you mind poping over to my thread and giving me your opinion. I am just affraid that I am reading too much into things. Thanks again, I really needed to hear that today.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Oh.. and.. no one asked yet, but signs that he was "turning around" after the latest bomb in October 06 (these changes are mostly in the last few months):
- Seeming more relaxed around me... and in general, actually.
- Inviting me to do things more - especially on Friday and Saturday nights.
- Telling me when he had plans, where he was going, who with
- Asking me to do things for him without a gazillion caveats (from Oct. until recently it was "if you want I'd really like it if you wouldn't mind grabbing me a beer, but I mean, only if you want..." :eyeroll: ).
- Thanking me for everything that I do.. but not OVER-thanking me (i.e. acting like I was walking on water because I did him a favor and grabbed said beer he was asking for)
- WANTING to spend time with me... for example inviting me out to the garage to spend some time with him while he worked on his race car. Or like last night - before jumping into any chores he wanted to sit down with me for a few minutes and talk about his day.
- Complimenting me a lot on things that are very specific to me - like I'll comment on a spice that would've been good in a dish and he'll say "See? That's why you are such a good cook, you are so good at knowing just what a dish might need... you're better than a lot of restaurant chefs!"
- Taking pride in things around the house, yard, etc. again.
... I'm sure there are more, but those stood out.
Oh, except of course for the obvious ones - celebrating our "first date" anniversary, getting a big ol' bouquet of flowers and being proud he arranged them himself, putting on his rings.. those are the "big" ones.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
