How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[mountainman]

Singledad, just read up on your sitch and I have a few thoughts. Please dont be offended by anything I say, these are just my thoughts and lord knows I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life. I just hate to see you so miserable, so this is meant to be a pep talk and maybe some ideas about how you can find YOUR happiness.

One of the things I realized I had been guilty of is relying on my wifes happiness to replace my own, does this ring true to your sitch? When she disconnected from me and asked for a sep, I was devastated because i was disconnected from her love tank. It took me awhile, but I discovered that my OWN happiness tank was running low. Then i started to do things that make ME happy. I was fishing more, spending more time at the firehouse, playing poker with friends. Not only was it a distraction, but it made deposits into my own happiness tank. It is still far from full and I have rough days, but now I look forward to these fun activities. How full is your happiness tank? Have you made any desposits lately?

I have found that my wife has been asking me about these changes, she's even given me crap about some of them, but I don't care, they make me happy. And the fact that she is asking about them and expressing concern (albiet anger) I take as a sign that maybe she still cares a little. Now you have to be careful not to take these little signs too far and start obsessing again (i recently fell into this trap) but they help keep you on an even keel.

dont worry about how you will let W know that you are doing these things. It will come up eventually.

Your to do list this weekends sounds like you are trying to keep yourself busy and distracted. This is god but, buddy, you've got to go have some fun! Go out to dinner or a bar with some buddies, you might accidentally have some fun!!

It sounds to me that you are obsessing over the sitch 24x7 and have brain-lock. I am guilty of this, as are most others on this board, BUT there are ways to deal with it and break the obession, or at least break it into managable chuncks.

the reality here singledad is that you need to face the possibility that things may not go the way that you planned them. if they do, how are you going to get on with your life if you are still mired in the misery? My therapist once asked me 'whats the worst case scenario?' I thought about this, played it out in my head.....and accepted it. I would suggest that you work on truly accepting BOTH possibilites of the direction your life may take, in your heard and mind. this will be the start of moving on. I posted a long analogy on Coach's thread about how the threads of love will keep you connected, even if you drift away. But you have to stop concentrating on that thread or you will miss all of the other beautiful things around you. Like your D. Be a better man for her. make positive changes in YOU and find a way to be happy for YOU and for her. Let her be your motivation to get yourself on track, not the thought that someday, somehow you will get your wife back.

You also keep saying you have x amount of time left to save your marriage. Brother, I say you have even less time to save yourself. You need to save yourself before you can save your M.

I have heard others say that DB and some of its principles like GAL may not have saved their marriage, but it did save their lives.

Remember that.

Strength and honor