I think she was subconsciously trying to get my goat, so-to-speak. In the past I would have taken the bait and blown up over the fact my wife was allowing herself to be courted (let alone bedded) by an OM.
I was gong to let it pass and didn't decide to curtail my visit until S7 noticed the card too and began going on and on about the flowers and asking who they were from. W's coyness and smugness was a bit too much. And while I was cool and did not let her know how this got to me, my abrupt departure was undoubtedly a tipoff.
I am sorry if I am letting myself vent too much, in an unbecoming manner, calling W a "succubus" right after making a favorable comment about how we seem to have been at peace this week. The truth is that I am again absolutely furious at how this is and will make my sons see their father as they get older. I am trying to practice healthy Christian humility and this is already difficult enough without this added burden... that my sons now face the shame of their father being a cuckold.
My own pride aside, what does this say and do to their own self-esteem and how they view marital relationships? I know they're both still quite young now, but time flies quickly and the example I present to them is not all that encouraging, at least not at present. But then maybe this is really just wounded pride on my part after all. I don't know.
I want each of my boys to have a healthy relationship with the women they will some day meet. I worry that the cycle of either hurting someone else or being hurt themselves has not been broken with their parents. This was precisely the first conversation W and I had on our first date together eighteen years ago, breaking the cycle of betrayal and divorce, and developing a healthy relationship, unlike our own parents -- now that is all dashed to h*ll.
Does she realize she's messed up? If she does she has convinced herself that I am so much worse off and refuses to see evidence to the contrary. She is absolutely convinced that I am an immutable emotional cripple suffering from Asperger's Syndrome, without a shred of compassion for my fellow man and wholely incapable of it. She has made me the embodiment of everything that is wrong in her life. At the same time she has surrounded herself with enablers and unknowing folks who have bought entirely into her fantasy that she is the chief victim in the demise of our marital relationship.
W has developed a psychosis that is unshakable by any human endeavor, including DB/DR. I firmly believe her resolve can only be broken by God Himself and only if she reaches a point in her life that she will allow Him to do so. Sadly, she is just not anywhere near that point as yet, and I am beginning to doubt she ever will be. But I know this is well beyond me and what little I can do, so I have given her over to Christ Jesus.
