There are many ways that W can contribute to the girls upkeep. Cleaning your house does not have to be one of them. The message you are sending your W is that she can continue to live in her "open marriage", yet still have access to you, your house, the "things" ( computer, pets, etc) that she misses. BTW it is a good thing that she is missing this stuff. I think you are setting a dangerous precedence. You are allowing her to assuage her guilt at the choices she has made by "making-up" for them by helping you out with housework. You are more than capable of cleaning your own house. And, what message are you sending to your girls? Mom and Dad are separated but not really cuz Mom comes and goes as she pleases. Does some cleaning, even cooks for us once in awhile......
Frank, you are doing really well. Please don't falter. Stand firm. Do not give your W and "out" so soon or so easily. Remember what Amy said. You will know when your W has made a real change. W is playing on your sympathies and it is working. I know you miss her and you are lonely. That is so understandable. Do not rationalize your choices because of this.
Some ways that wife could help with "the girls" if she wanted to:
1. Have a set day for her to take them to dinner so you won't have to worry about cooking that day. She could either take them out or cook at "her" house. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO COOK AT YOUR HOUSE!
2. Provide more financial support for them. (Yeah, I know, she'd have to actually get a job that pays something to do this). Maybe the two of you could decide on some specific things that she could be financially responsible for like school fees, a new pair of shoes each season, weekly allowance, gas money, whatever.
3. If they don't do their own, W could pick up the girls' laundry and do that for them...at her place, not yours.
You are not being a Meanie if you set and maintain your boundaries. I know you already let her do this today. Next time, be ready with suggestions for alternatives and don't buckle under. There is a difference between being pleasant and being a pushover.
"When is someone going to be afraid that they will lose Frank?"
Never, if you keep giving her access to you.
And, I apologize for my brutality. I'm not a good word mincer. I want only the best for you and your family.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
