Unfortunatly, I did hear from her. He did send her a b-day card as they were not working and he must have wanted her to recieve it on her b-day. My bags are packed and im'e deciding what I need to do for me. He did ask me if I wanted him to leave. Contemplating the financial end of that.
After a long discussion he did say that she was just there to talk to when we started having problems. I reminded him that I never knew of problems until after he told her he had feelings. That I still felt his emotional detachment and that I could not keep going like this as we both deserved to be happy. H said he wants us to be happy, that it has nothing to do with me or OW( which I know that) He said he doesn't know what it is that is keeping him like this. He has no clue as to how long this has been really going on he has lost complete track of time for just about anything. Could this actually be withdrawl/depression at the end? I wonder sometimes, But yet feel he hasn't truly been working it through either.
I told him that by not talking about anything and brushing it under the rug I felt like he thought it was just going to go away by itself and it won't. He told me I sounded like a councelor.(with a grin)
I would be gone now if it wasn't for the fact that after a while, for the first time he did break down crying that after so many years that he doesn't understand why we are working two jobs and driving ten year old vehicles. (mine is four years old and I love it and H has two trucks that are both ten years old but chose them. One a work truck and the other is a very nice looking PRETTY truck.) I just told him that the ecomomy sucks that isd why we work two jobs for the extras and asked him to look around at all he has givin and done for all of us. Told him I was sorry that he feels the way he does. Im'e thinking this is excactly what his issues are and just what the DB coach said and that is he feels inadequate.
I do know that he won't really be doing anything else for OW because I told him that we have talked and she told me everything and there will be no secrets there now. OW knows that I told him and is prepared.
This morning he said that he was sorry for the hell he has been putting me through and that he did love me. If I keep doing what I have the circle will just continue. Not with OW but just the sliding along and sweeping it under the rug. I deserve to be truly loved.
What to do now? Im'e trying to decide how to go about things.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
A question for you.. do you think your H would be open to talking to the DB coaches? Either alone or with you? I really feel like he DOES want to make it work but he isn't sure how. I dunno, could just be me, but that's my gut feeling.
Take good care of yourself.
(((Jak)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Jak, Although you are in a much better place than me, I can see many similarities.
My H never tried to confide in me that he was unhappy. Instead he chose to confide in OW/secretary. Unfortunately lots of us knows what happens when they start to confide in others. My H t will not go to counseling either. I know what you mean about sweeping everything under the rug. It feels like I'm on one of those wheels that the hamster keeps running on.
From what I have read your H displays the classic MLC symptoms. He is unhappy with his life. He doesn't feel like he has succeeded in his career. I'm sure the grandchildren remind him that he is not getting any older.
A MLC book I read was by Sally Conway called "Surviving Your Husband's MLC" I got it off Amazon.com. She goes right along with DBing, but explains MLC a lot more thoroughly. Her husband wrote a book for men on MLC. I think it would be good for your H to read. Your H admits that he is having a MLC, more than H admits. If you can't get him to counseling, I think the books would help.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Jak, I'm rooting for you on the sidelines, hoping you are able to find the courage to do something different to influence your H to move forward and begin to face his issues.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Yes I think you are right H does want to make this work but, Just can't work through his stuff to do it. I think he would talk to a regular councelor before he would a DB coach and he would want to do it alone.
YoYo,
Classic MLC isn't it! Iv'e asked him to read the MLC book by Conway, I have it. I need to get the Sally Conway book though for me. I just need to figure out what I need to do for me right now leave, stay what ever. Told H I had to decide what I needed to do and left it at that for now.
CL,
I don't think I need courage so much as just deciding what or when I have reached my limit. Thought I had until H broke down and actually gave me a glimpse of what is going on in his head.
Thanks Everyone.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 08/28/0805:18 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I think I need Amy C's help!( kick in the A$$)She is great at that and knows the MLC traits too. Iv'e read a lot of her posts to others.
Don't think she has a thread of her own any longer though. I do know that there is no timeline on MLC but it seems like the end stage to me thus keeping me from commiting to leave after what H said.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I bet AmyC would be glad to comment if you ask. Just find a thread she posts to a lot and ask her to come visit you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am going to take my time to decide what I will do.
I know that I do not want to go down those cheeseless tunnels.
Time for something different just trying to decide what.
It seems that this is getting to be pursuer/pursuee game and it needs to stop. I keep letting him draw me in then things continue on the same and he doesn't work on his issues.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It seems that this is getting to be pursuer/pursuee game and it needs to stop. I keep letting him draw me in then things continue on the same and he doesn't work on his issues.
JAK
Jak, It sounds like you've identified an important pattern in your M that is keeping things the same. What is keeping you in this pattern? What are the triggers? What specifically do you think, feel, and do to contribute to maintaining this relational pattern?
Maybe if this can be articulated, then you will have some ideas on what you need to change. Of course, it will be a difficult change for you. There is perceived safety in maintaining the current pattern.
From the poem Habit by Jane Hirshfield:
But habit is different: it chooses. And we, its good horse, opening our mouths at even the sight of the bit.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 08/29/0804:16 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
