Yesterday we got along well. Hubby drank less than usual , again. He was very laid back, for the most part, a side of him ' we ' { the kids and I } hardly see. He is usually tired or grumpy. { from work or other annoyance}
It feels different, and it is hard to explain. He is interacting with us in a more real and genuine way. I am excited about this. And I am also very actively not holding expectations. I hope and pray he gets well. But I will not interact with him anymore in a way that suggests I am waiting for him to ~FULLY~ get better before we can start to live. Or because of my fear of abandonment? Love him but at the same time have my wall erected very firmly. :roll: This wall that is supposed to protect me does just the opposite. I am getting better at being strong and pretty much rolling my eyes { inside of course, I wouldn't do it in front of him } when he acts like a fool. Or yells. It is pretty much hot air and the more I don't RE~ACT the less he does this. I don't hold out false hope that he is going to be transformed into Prince Charming. Nor do I want that. I dated a guy like that once.... he was soooooooooooooooooo nice. And after while for some Un ~Godly known reason he bored me. Whatever my husband has { Minus the A**Hole remarks ,short temper that he has , and booze :roll: } is just the right mix for me. He attracts me, he turns me on, he makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to slap him once in awhile too and that is where we still need work. But to me it feels amazing that I am still so sexually and emotionally attracted to him after almost 12 years.
Yesterday he was just laying there , beside me on our bed and we were finished watching a movie. I felt such sexual energy looking at his body. He had jeans on and no shirt. I do realize that more than anything the way he acts with me gets me going and gives me this sexual charge more than anything. It helps me to feel comfortable in my own skin around him. Not for him or because of him but b/c of the energy it brings. I don't have to waste so much time fighting against him and his ugliness. I can use that energy to enjoy him. To enjoy myself.
I cant say he hit rock bottom... but something is in the air and it is positive it is real... it is different. He used to ass kiss and back pedal or try to but me. All of which didnt make for a Happy me~ or him. Now it is better.
I am optimistic today and yes I realize he could just stop and or pull the rug. I wouldn't like that but I would have to know and accept I have done my very best. I cant spoil him anymore. I have to love him and if that means to keep allowing him to grow on his own and stop checking the progress every day then so be it. I have to trust this and let go even more. It works.
