W and I have agreed that she picks up the girls in the morning and takes them to school. I pick them up after school and take them home. Normally she waits outside.
This morning she comes in the house to talk to me. She starts going on about how, if she could afford it, she'd hire a maid to come here once a week to help me out cleaning the house because I need the help, then she says she can't afford it so would it be ok if she came by and cleaned the house today?
Now, the house is not really 'dirty'. It needs to be swept and vacuumed but that's about it. The kitchen is always clean, no dishes anywhere.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: Well, it really just needs to be swept and vacuumed and some dusting. I'm planning on doing that this weekend.
W: (somewhat in earnest) I know, the girls don't help you and I know you are working all the time, and taking care of the girls. I just want to help.
Me: I feel like you're saying that I'm not keeping the house clean enough, it's not that bad.
W: No no, I think you're doing great. I just want to take some of the burden of taking care of the girls off you. I think they feel better when the house is cleaned.
Then D13 called her because she had to go to school, so she had to end the conversation.
So, W calls me about 15 minutes later.
W: This is W's cleaning service, can I come and clean your house?
Me: Well, I think I can handle it.
W: (Now crying) Frank, you're doing everything. You're working hard, you're taking care of the girls, and you're doing a great job of that, but I'm doing nothing. I feel so guilty because I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing any of the things I normally do for the girls. I know you need the help, please let me come and clean the house so when the girls come home it's 'magically been cleaned'. (Still crying)
Me: Well, ok. I could use the help and I appreciate the offer.
W: (still tearful) Thank you, I even have a maid outfit.
Me: Oh really, that would be interesting.
W: Well, you know, maids wear sweat pants and t shirts.
Me: Oh, I thought you meant a French Maid outfit.
W: (laughs) Oh, you couldn't afford a French maid.
Me: Yeah, I'll have to save my pennies for that.
W is coming over at 10 to clean. I could use the help so it'll be great.
Frank, I know some people will not agree with me, but you did the right thing.Your wife is lost.Just love her from a distance.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
If you like Ed, you'll enjoy Andy Stanley too. Google's your friend.
Here's something on forgiveness, if that piques your interest. I think this one makes it under the advertising tripwire, but hey, moderators feel free to edit. It's only pixels on a screen!
Frank, I know some people will not agree with me, but you did the right thing.Your wife is lost.Just love her from a distance.
I respectfully disagree. She's getting hit hard with guilt(which in a way is a good sign), and you just rescued her from it. Same pattern as before as I see it. How many times is it said around here, "If you keep trying the same thing and it doesn't seem to work, try something different".
I do agree that you love her from a distance. While you clean the house she deals with her guilt 'at a distance'.
I think I did the right thing. I made it difficult for her to get my permission to clean the house. That keeps me in Alpha Male status and that of course is attractive.
She is lost, a mess, whatever we want to call it. Cruelty won't make her better.
There are many ways that W can contribute to the girls upkeep. Cleaning your house does not have to be one of them. The message you are sending your W is that she can continue to live in her "open marriage", yet still have access to you, your house, the "things" ( computer, pets, etc) that she misses. BTW it is a good thing that she is missing this stuff. I think you are setting a dangerous precedence. You are allowing her to assuage her guilt at the choices she has made by "making-up" for them by helping you out with housework. You are more than capable of cleaning your own house. And, what message are you sending to your girls? Mom and Dad are separated but not really cuz Mom comes and goes as she pleases. Does some cleaning, even cooks for us once in awhile......
Frank, you are doing really well. Please don't falter. Stand firm. Do not give your W and "out" so soon or so easily. Remember what Amy said. You will know when your W has made a real change. W is playing on your sympathies and it is working. I know you miss her and you are lonely. That is so understandable. Do not rationalize your choices because of this.
Some ways that wife could help with "the girls" if she wanted to:
1. Have a set day for her to take them to dinner so you won't have to worry about cooking that day. She could either take them out or cook at "her" house. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO COOK AT YOUR HOUSE!
2. Provide more financial support for them. (Yeah, I know, she'd have to actually get a job that pays something to do this). Maybe the two of you could decide on some specific things that she could be financially responsible for like school fees, a new pair of shoes each season, weekly allowance, gas money, whatever.
3. If they don't do their own, W could pick up the girls' laundry and do that for them...at her place, not yours.
You are not being a Meanie if you set and maintain your boundaries. I know you already let her do this today. Next time, be ready with suggestions for alternatives and don't buckle under. There is a difference between being pleasant and being a pushover.
"When is someone going to be afraid that they will lose Frank?"
Never, if you keep giving her access to you.
And, I apologize for my brutality. I'm not a good word mincer. I want only the best for you and your family.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I think I did the right thing. I made it difficult for her to get my permission to clean the house. That keeps me in Alpha Male status and that of course is attractive.
She is lost, a mess, whatever we want to call it. Cruelty won't make her better.
And allowing her to be your maid when she's feeling guilty and out of sorts will not turn her heart back towards you.
Saying 'thanks but no thanks' would be a step towards helping her hold onto what little legitimate dignity she actually has and while doing so now might hurt her and cause backlash it won't be near the backlash that letting her come over to clean is likely going to cause you down the road.
I can hear it now:
"When you first kicked me out and I was so upset and begging for any scrap you would give me, all you allowed me to do was run errands or come clean up after you! Thanks for using me when I at my lowest point!!"
I'd encourage you not to give her ways to avoid dealing with a situation that she has caused, Frank.
But further, if you're doing anything for her at all (and whether or not you even should be is debateable) - but you should be steering her in a direction that will result in her independence.
Frank, I have to agree with Amy, she has been dealing with you and your situation for along time. I stand corrected on what I posted.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
She's getting hit hard with guilt(which in a way is a good sign), and you just rescued her from it. Same pattern as before as I see it. How many times is it said around here, "If you keep trying the same thing and it doesn't seem to work, try something different".