Yeah, my Father moved to Chicago from Denver a month after he and Mom separated. I was 6. Since then, I've physically laid eyes on him once. He didn't know me and I didn't say a word.
See that's the thing. I don't know what I want. Rather, I know what I want, I don't know if I can pay the price. At some level, I want the co-dependent relationship back, but, I want it to die die die. At times the more mature love feels like a pale imitation of the co-dependent hypnosis. I want my kids to know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to pick a quality spouse and to not have to live through the pain and hurt that I did. I just don't know if I can pay the price. I've committed to working on this R and on being a better Dad until mid-February. So, I really want to honor that commitment.
I can be patient. I can endure. I've done that my whole life. This is different, it isn't enduring so much as it is struggling onward with twice your body weight strapped to your back.
Sometimes I wonder if the route back to my W doesn't go through a D. When she looks at me, she doesn't see what other people especially other women see.
OK, I don't fight fair. W was by the house this morning to get the kids. I heard her out in the main part of the house while I was getting dressed. I had on my jeans and some cologne. I went out to see her and let her see my trim physique and then I gave her a hug and let her smell my cologne. I broke off the hug and went back in to finish getting dressed. Then I came back out wearing a pale blue polo shirt just like she was wearing. W says "We match." and I act like I didn't notice Then, we talk and I give her another hug and a kiss on her forehead. I'm a dominant take charge guy who is doing just fine without her.
Question for y'all. W is planning to do something with the kids on Monday. She said that I could come along or get a break whichever. I'm not sure which is more beneficial. The Taste of Colorado is going on downtown and I thought that would be fun to go to with the family. It would also be fun to go to by myself. I'll bet I could meet a lot of single women there :0
Well, yesterday was hellish enough that I'm a little "conflicted". How is that for improper grammar?
But, you still haven't answered the question, whether it would be a good thing to go on a family outing with a probably at least slightly unfaithful spouse.
I think it might be a good opportunity to show her your great self! If you can do it with detachment and no expectations then I would go for it, see it as a great way of spending time with the kids and having fun. Maybe she is extending a small olive branch/ twig?
Jen, the last time we did anything together, she came over for her birthday and mine is in 2 weeks and I imagine that she will rope the kids together and do something for it.
I'm just really really struggling with the stuff from yesterday.
Yes, it could be a good chance to DB or a nice chance to let her get a little taste of being D and for me to have a day to myself.
"In difficult ground, press on; On hemmed-in ground, use subterfuge; In death ground, fight." - Sun Tzu
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-- Dylan Thomas
The old me has to die that the new me can arise. Yet, the old me knows all my moves and doesn't want to go quietly.
If I knew who I was, I think that I would know what to do. The new me may still choose to DB and try and save this M, but, he will come at things from a different place.
I will take my family to the Taste of Colorado and have a wonderful time. NOT to meet single women, but, to enjoy my family. See, even to write this is to win part of the battle.
Just understand, everything is crumbling down around me and it's not her and not the kids and not my marriage, it's me versus me.
I love you all and I thank you all so much. I wish that I had more to give right now.
Dan, you are giving what you can. Don't worry, now its our turn to give back.
I am sorry you are hurting so much. You are right, though, sometimes it is the struggle of the death of the "old me vs. new me" that is hard. I have been there, that was the night I cried for five hours straight.
But, the thing is, once you do that, it is an amazing feeling. You cannot push it, you cannot do it faster than you...yourself...will allow. And it is true its about having a goal, but not necessarily not caring if you succeed, but knowing that if you don't, you will still be okay.
Dan you are amazing. I hate that you hurt, but really respect that you can speak about it. Hang in there, and vent and cry all you need to.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
and then I gave her a hug and let her smell my cologne. I broke off the hug and went back in to finish getting dressed. Then I came back out wearing a pale blue polo shirt just like she was wearing. W says "We match." and I act like I didn't notice 
Then, we talk and I give her another hug and a kiss on her forehead. I'm a dominant take charge guy who is doing just fine without her.