I Guess I'm Still Piecing

[RedHeadWife]

I'm already exhausted this a.m. It was CONSTANT w/ the boys this a.m. Whining, crying b/c the other one took his car, etc etc.

Ok, so last night, H & I got into an argument. Let me backtrack a little bit to our whole D sitch. Two of the things that were MY FAULT and reasons he was leaving were: (1) he didn't feel I supported him in doing the on-line school thing; taking care of the kids while he was trying to do his work, etc. enough so that he always would end up quitting; and (2) he was always coming up w/ these "get rich quick schemes" (w/ the help of a friend of his in CA I might add) such as real estate things etc etc.

Ok so last night he tells me Eric has told him about another one of these "business opportunities" that he actually thinks is a good idea. Not going to go into what it is, just going to say that I found myself immediately on the defensive & angry, crossing my arms whatever. Ended up telling him that I would try working on the defensive behavior and actually listening to him before I reacted angrily. BUT I told him (in the end) that I still do not like those things, do not support it, but if he wants to use HIS bonus $$$ to start it up and do it, fine.

I told him that it seemed like we were going in a cycle, first he started up school again last month and HE decided not to finish (I was being WAY supportive) and now he's starting up w/ these business things again. I told him that it just seemed like in a few years, we were going to be right back where we were w/ him all resentful toward me etc.

He says, I have told myself that I'm not going to do that. As far as I am concerned " we are life partners." I immediately teared up. I told him that "life partners" sounds great, but I don't necessarily *feel* it b/c I haven't been his ONLY partner since we have been married. He got mad & said he didn't understand why every time we have a disagreement, this stuff comes up & he keeps just getting "kicked in the balls." I said, I don't mean for you to feel that way, it's not necessarily ABOUT YOU. It's about me and the way I feel b/c of what has happened. I can't just erase everything that has happened. He said neither can I, I guess we just deal w/ it in a different way.

Positives: I did not just walk away, I stayed and discussed things w/ him. I no longer am scared that he's going to leave and watch what I say to him. I told him I would work on the defensive behavior etc. when he brings up certain subjects so he knows I am cognizant of it.

He then went out & got me the 4th book of a series I'm reading & some roses. That actually kind of irritated me -- I don't want him just going out & buying me stuff b/c he got his way on something or whatever. He said the book was b/c he had kept telling me that I needed to get it and the roses were b/c he wanted me to know he loved me. Ok then I felt better. He also told me that he "doesn't want to hurt me anymore" and I told him I know that.

Why can't it be easier??? and why do I always feel like *I* am so disfunctional? like w/ the boys, I'm always so hard on myself when I lose my patience, etc. Last night S4 pooped in his pants not once, but TWICE!!! The second time was after he was supposed to be in bed and I had already dealt w/ the poopy underwear the first time. He is obviously potty trained, but CHOOSES to do it in his pants at will. Anyway, that was when H was gone at the store, so I got that one all by myself after everything else had happened. He was actually going to sleep in that!!!! and hid and tried to get away from me when I figured out he had done it again. Sh********T!!!!

Ok vent etc over. Let's start today over - big deep breaths & all that crap

Oh & did I mention I'm trying to quit smoking?