I Guess I'm Still Piecing

[saffie]

Well,

I'm outta the woodwork - although IC is currently in intensive care so is safe for the moment!!!! He is recovering nicely though from his lung op Red.

I just wanted you to know that I felt exactly the same after my H slept with someone else in our M. I grieve the exclusivity having been lost all the time. However, renewing our wedding vows really did help. We did it with just us and the children there - it was very low key and our minister knew exactly why we were doing it.

I feel that we were married for almost 20 years, and now we have started a 'new' marriage- that one started in 2006 when we renewed our vows. On paper we have been married continually....but in my mind there was a break. Does that make sense? And even though I can go through low cycles....it does keep getting better and better

[saffie]

And be warned - IC is now up and typing again after a being sawn in half trick - that guy will do anything for laughs!!!!!

[RedHeadWife]

He is recovering nicely though from his lung op Red.

Good!!!!

[/quote]However, renewing our wedding vows really did help. We did it with just us and the children there - it was very low key and our minister knew exactly why we were doing it.[/quote]

My H actually agreed to this as well. I was pretty surprised actually -- we talked about it while he was still gone. I think he thinks it may be more of a big deal than I do (I am NOT planning a wedding here), but he seems to think we need more time before we actually do it and then, with such busy lives, it seems to get pushed aside -- I don't even think about it until times like these. I think it will just be a family thing for us -- not just the boys though, but our parents, etc. too

Hope you're doing ok!!

[saffie]

I'm doing good thanks.

I think if your H realised just how much this would help you heal and move on he would put it higher up his list of priorities. My H was going to leave it longer intitially, but when he realised that in my head the lack of exclusivity thing was such a huge deal.....and that after renewing the vows I felt that we would be back in 'that'married again place, he pushed it forward faster than I was going. He was very instrumental in the wording of the service etc. too. It helped a huge amount.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm already exhausted this a.m. It was CONSTANT w/ the boys this a.m. Whining, crying b/c the other one took his car, etc etc.

Ok, so last night, H & I got into an argument. Let me backtrack a little bit to our whole D sitch. Two of the things that were MY FAULT and reasons he was leaving were: (1) he didn't feel I supported him in doing the on-line school thing; taking care of the kids while he was trying to do his work, etc. enough so that he always would end up quitting; and (2) he was always coming up w/ these "get rich quick schemes" (w/ the help of a friend of his in CA I might add) such as real estate things etc etc.

Ok so last night he tells me Eric has told him about another one of these "business opportunities" that he actually thinks is a good idea. Not going to go into what it is, just going to say that I found myself immediately on the defensive & angry, crossing my arms whatever. Ended up telling him that I would try working on the defensive behavior and actually listening to him before I reacted angrily. BUT I told him (in the end) that I still do not like those things, do not support it, but if he wants to use HIS bonus $$$ to start it up and do it, fine.

I told him that it seemed like we were going in a cycle, first he started up school again last month and HE decided not to finish (I was being WAY supportive) and now he's starting up w/ these business things again. I told him that it just seemed like in a few years, we were going to be right back where we were w/ him all resentful toward me etc.

He says, I have told myself that I'm not going to do that. As far as I am concerned " we are life partners." I immediately teared up. I told him that "life partners" sounds great, but I don't necessarily *feel* it b/c I haven't been his ONLY partner since we have been married. He got mad & said he didn't understand why every time we have a disagreement, this stuff comes up & he keeps just getting "kicked in the balls." I said, I don't mean for you to feel that way, it's not necessarily ABOUT YOU. It's about me and the way I feel b/c of what has happened. I can't just erase everything that has happened. He said neither can I, I guess we just deal w/ it in a different way.

Positives: I did not just walk away, I stayed and discussed things w/ him. I no longer am scared that he's going to leave and watch what I say to him. I told him I would work on the defensive behavior etc. when he brings up certain subjects so he knows I am cognizant of it.

He then went out & got me the 4th book of a series I'm reading & some roses. That actually kind of irritated me -- I don't want him just going out & buying me stuff b/c he got his way on something or whatever. He said the book was b/c he had kept telling me that I needed to get it and the roses were b/c he wanted me to know he loved me. Ok then I felt better. He also told me that he "doesn't want to hurt me anymore" and I told him I know that.

Why can't it be easier??? and why do I always feel like *I* am so disfunctional? like w/ the boys, I'm always so hard on myself when I lose my patience, etc. Last night S4 pooped in his pants not once, but TWICE!!! The second time was after he was supposed to be in bed and I had already dealt w/ the poopy underwear the first time. He is obviously potty trained, but CHOOSES to do it in his pants at will. Anyway, that was when H was gone at the store, so I got that one all by myself after everything else had happened. He was actually going to sleep in that!!!! and hid and tried to get away from me when I figured out he had done it again. Sh********T!!!!

Ok vent etc over. Let's start today over - big deep breaths & all that crap

Oh & did I mention I'm trying to quit smoking?

[Aud31]

Hey Red--it sounds to me that you are both recognizing and trying to react differently to conflicts. Outstanding!

Balancing your need to process and let go of his past actions with his need to feel forgiven is tricky. I try to make a real effort to not bring it up--just share my feelings and not go too far into the 'whys'. And to focus on what needs to be focused on today. H can't ever take away the hurt he caused me. Bringing it out to examine every time I'm feeling emotional will only hold us back. And...once I realized it really was *my* issue to deal with, it's been easier to let go.

I understand the feeling disfunctional. My S4 is refusing to use the toilet 7 times out of 10, and I've gone crazy at least that many times a day just dealing with little kids. Love them, happy to be their mom, but little kids just take it out of you. Throw in the quitting smoking thing (good for you, btw!), and it's a ton to deal with.

You're right to vent, take deep breaths and start over. I know you're feeling discouraged, but keep on keeping on. And don't be so hard on yourself--you're doing the best you can!

[RedHeadWife]

And...once I realized it really was *my* issue to deal with, it's been easier to let go.

Need to remember this; maybe even take some time to figure out what, if anything, is still bothering me so much about anything & figure out how to deal w/ it, get over it, whatever.

I know the main thing that keeps getting me (and I've talked about this before) is the fact that I no longer feel that certain *intimacy* w/ him knowing that I haven't been the only woman since we got married that he has cared for, shared w/, been intimate w/, etc.

I did send him an email this a.m. about the renewing our vows. Not sure what his thoughts are on this anymore.


(thanks for reading my whole book this a.m.)

[RedHeadWife]

Here's his response to my email this a.m. about renewing our vows:

"I would love to Babe. That is still something that I would like very much
to do. Big or small, formal or informal, I want to give you what you want.


Love you!"

[Aud31]

I know the main thing that keeps getting me (and I've talked about this before) is the fact that I no longer feel that certain *intimacy* w/ him knowing that I haven't been the only woman since we got married that he has cared for, shared w/, been intimate w/, etc.

I know. I have to not let my head go there--for my own peace of mind. I also have to bite my tongue sometimes, because for some reason, I want to hear him tell me how much better I am than OW, how lucky he is, how happy he is. I know now though, that he won't ever say those things and that even if he did (only if I asked) I'd have a hard time trusting the words. ACTION is what matters. And he's home and plugged in.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, took a little while off b/c I really have not been in a very good place. It seems that I just post when negatives are going on, but I guess that's when I need the most support so it's kind of ok.

For about a week or 2, I literally did not like my H and him touching was absolutely repulsive to me. Not sure what brought that on, but I worked through it. Actually, it seemed to occur immediately after that argument we got in to be honest.

Anyway, I forced myself to act "as if" as well as I could and just *knew* that this too would pass and it did.

I had almost posted a few times while going through that whole time, but just couldn't even seem to put how I was feeling in words.

All is well now. I'm glad that I just *got through it* and didn't even talk to H about it. That would probably only have hurt him and did nothing to get me through it.

Thanks for being around though guys. I have still been reading every day to keep up w/ everybody.