God give me the patience and the strength...6

[MidwesternGirl]

what i have learned is that you cannot over analyze it and you have to have zero expectations.

he has not been in this very long and yes, they have moments where they peak and then go back into their cave. there is no definite timeline but i think it is too soon to say he has changed totally.

i personally think it takes a few years before you see real progress, sometimes longer, and when they want to come home is up to them, not when we think they should come home, if at all.

and then some really wake up when there is a major change in their lives but even then, it does not startle them. for some, i think it takes several major events to happen to get their attention.

i think if there is ow in the picture it takes longer then if there wasn't.

you seem to have very high expectations about your h. let him be and stop thinking all the time that he has changed, etc.

you need to have ZERO expecatations and stop wondering why he has not filed for D.

[theotherhalf]

I don't think i do have expectations from my H. If so, I think it's more expecting the worse from him than good.

And I am very very guilty of analyzing everything. I know that. But hard to not with a H that doesn't talk.

MWG it's hard to let a man be that is still so much a part of my life. We both (i think) try so hard to go NC, to leave the other alone. And yet it doesn't work. We could both say well, with the girls and the farm, and his family we have to stay in contact.

But bottom line is that is not really so. The girls are old enough to take care of thier R with him. And the farm, it's an exuse for us both. And his family, he uses them as an exuse to spend time with me, and so do I him. Bad, I know, but true.

What a mess we have found ourselves in.

[MidwesternGirl]

You just learn to let him go.

I love my husband, too, but I had to let him go and off he went.

[WCW]

How much of the farm did you participate in before H left?
H doesn't have to come in and be social whenever he comes and goes to do chores. He didn't used to last winter when he came to water the cows. In fact, isn't that just an excuse? why don't you just fill the water tank and he doesn't have to show up at all.

I DO know that a farm or at least my ranch CAN be run without communication from my H. I did just that.

Connect where you can, don't push, don't pursue.
If he wants sex, and you want it and can handle the emotional outfall, go ahead. I know many disagree, but others say it was that connection that helped stay together too. Also, you have a new body that he doesn't know much about yet. Be proud of yourself.

Being a homebody isn't a bad thing. I am too. I like that, I am even proud of that. But, you still want to be interesting and attractive to him not necessarily just in a physical way but emotionally and intellectually too. (I hope I spelled that right. haha)

[theotherhalf]

Not much WCW. I helped some but not alot. I watered/fed when he couldn't. I baled/loaded/unloaded hay when we squared. I helped move machinery. I help pull calves. I bottle fed calves. That's about it. I was always busy with the house and girls. And he never took the time to show me stuff.

And your right about the coming in. Although I love it when he comes in so we can catch up. It hurts so bad when he leaves and it keeps me wondering. And I do keep the cows watered. He still comes for one reason or another.

Journaling...
Friday was a BAD night. I went to demos with niece and friend. Then we went back to town. All was good till 12:30 and BIL calls me. "where's everybody at?" I told him H was at work. He said no, he came back right away as he didn't have to. I said well did you go to his house? He said ya it's dark, trucks there but I didn't see the bike. I asked if he called him. He said ya but the phone goes right to VM. I told him well you can pretty much guess where he is. I left to go home. I stopped at H's. I knocked a couple of times, then went to leave. He came to the door as I was leaving. He had been sleeping. He was mad. I apologized. Told him that BIL was looking for him. Apologized again and left. After I got home, he called. He was angry. He thought I thought OW was there with him. I told him "no, honestly when you didn't answer the door I assumed you had were not home and with her". He went on to say he was done. Going to file next week. Get this sh*t over with. Blah, blah, blah. And I admit. He pulled me right in AGAIN. He finally hung up and I went to bed.

Sat am I went to his house to get a couple of things. I asked him when he was coming to get the rest of his things so I don't have to look at them anymore. I asked what happens now. Are we going to sell the farm. And alot of other questions and talk that I knew was pointless or that I know I shouldn't say. I really didn't get any concrete answers. Ya know, you just get to the point that your tired of all the crap. I'm tired of the threat of D. Sometimes I'm just "do it already! get it over with!" Well it was all for nothing anyway. Finally we both headed to the farm.

There he asked if I'd help move bales of the field. I did. Afterwards he sat here a little while. Like normal. Like nothing happend. He was in a pretty good mood actually. At one point (I really had a bad day, could cry at a drop of a hat). I said I glad for you that life is all good and your so happy. He said well there's no point in being miserable. I said, ya for you and the tears started coming so I stood and said enough and went into the house. He got up and left.

Later him and BIL and SIL, H's N and kids all came out. Had a fire and sat around. I faked it and made it through the evening. H tapped me on the leg and said "I suppose I better go home." I said see you later. He burned out of the drive went E (the way he used to go when he was heading for OW's)(normally goes W towards town)and burned up the road. BIL and SIL asked what he was mad about I said nothing that I know of. Who knows. A while later I talked to N and she said he was home. So I think he just went that way to see if I'd call thinking he went to OW's. GEEZ do they ever get over the childishness?

This morning he calls and asked if I made breakfast. I said ya I made cream sausage over bisquits. He said k I'll be out cuz I want to pull trees out of fenceline. He came about 1/2 later. We spent most of the day hauling bales to a guy in town. When we were done he sat outside with me. He said he was going to his cousins. I said nothing. He ended up staying a hour or two longer. Said when he left he may come back out and we'd have a fire. I just waved. He never came. I figured. Heard he was home sitting on his deck.

Now I'm shaking my head...but whatever H.

I went to go to church this morning but was late. I went anyway and thought if the doors were still open I'd go. I got there and they were closed and no one was around so I didn't. I'll try again next week. So instead I drove around and listen to mass on the radio. Weird, I know but it's a start.

Hope you are all having a good weekend...
TOH

[MidwesternGirl]

Why did you have to go to his house very late at night? You are chasing him and you are not letting him be.

You also should not ask him questions about his getting his things so you don't have to look at them.

Either you want the guy to be in your life as your husband or you don't.

It is as if you are trying to play it both ways and it will not work.

I think you have got to learn to just let him be and be very still about what he is/is not doing. You are interfering in the process of what he is going thru.

[theotherhalf]

I know MWG. I went there to prove myself right or wrong. I thought he was gone with OW. I am doing well now at letting him alone until it comes to OW. I can't stand the thought of them together. BUT even though it infuriates me. And I really thought they were together. I WAS going home and was not going to act on that. Not this time, not anymore. I guess I just had to know.

Asking him about his things...I guess like I said earlier I am so tired of the threats. I am getting to the point that if this is what he really wants...stop threating me. Get your sh*t, file for the D, and get the hell out of my life. And so he threatened again Fri night for like the 25th time, and I just called him on it. Do I want the D? H*LL no! Do I want him out of my life? H*LL no! I am just tired and losing hope.

I know! I know! I know! This is all so very very hard! I am trying really I am. And I think I am doing better, but I still lose it from time to time.

[MidwesternGirl]

You are assuming and asking way more of him than he can deal with right now.

You have got to let go of everything and let him be. Is the house in both your names? If so, he can leave whatever he wants there.

Your emotions swing way more than his and it will push him far, far away.

Just let him go and let him live this life he has chosen at the moment. You do other things for yourself and kids.

[LL44]

Oh my. So, tell me. What would you have done if OW answered your husband's door?

[theotherhalf]

good question lwb...

thinking...

I honestly think at this point...

I think I would have just walked away, got in my car, and left.

Probably would have said a few choice words...

Cried...

And called H on my way home...

Well that would never happen anyway as OW is scared to death of me. Always has been. With never a reason to be until 1 1/2 ago. And I learned the second the sheriff showed up at my door to arrest me back in May, that NO ONE or NOTHING is worth going to jail for.

Really lwb. I honestly thought that he was not there. That she had picked him up and they were together somewhere. I was not going to react at all. As I said, I just had to know. Then I was going home. I guess I should have just let it go. But then my mind wanders and it makes things worse. My BIL said I should have just went in and made like I stopped to hang out. Well I felt so bad for thinking the worse and waking him that I didn't think of that. And it's not in me to lie or play games.

Anyways he seems to gotten over it fairly quickly. By the afternoon he was being all flirty and nice. He seems to have let it go and so did I.

He came out early this morning we hauled bales again till about 2:30. BIL helped. H left right away when BIL did. Later he called and told me to come in to SIL's they were cooking out. If I wanted to. I finished mowing and went. Ended up spending the night with H. We just cuddled and slept. Thats okay and felt good. This morning well...you know...that was okay too. When I got home tonight he was here just leaving. He came in a got a drink, we talked a bit. Then he left for home.

Work was busy today. Hurray. Finally a day that didn't drag on and I didn't spend it thinking about H and worring about our sitch. The day flew. That is what I need right now.