You managed to make me laugh too, something I've been doing far too little of late.
Much of what you say I have come to understand over the past few months. Your description of how you reached the point of feeling "dead" inside and not wanting to continue in your M, is I think, pretty much how my wife feels right now.
I get the patience thing, although I think I've been playing catch up for a while now. I guess it's natural to wish that my W would someday consider working on our M, but I realise too as you said, that she has obviously lived with these feelings of unfufillment and growing resentment for a long time, and it's absolutely unrealistic for me to expect any speedy process toward mending things.
I love the way you tell it like it is, but rest assured, I'm under no illusions about where she is right now. She has made, and continues to make that abundantly clear. Part of my problem is that I feel that I am so much to blame for the breakdown on our M, and since our separation, I have never denied my responsibility, possibly too much. Although I did feel that I had to let her know that I accepted her reasons and was willing to work on myself and the issues.
I have tried not to be confrontational about the OM, but accept at times, that I could have handled it better. She had always denied that she was having an affair with this man (though I always new in my heart that she was), until I discovered her cell phone bill with hundreds of texts and calls to him. She then accepted that she was having an EA. I know it's very much "script" for people to deny, lie, and lie some more, right up until the point that it's out in the open. Her sense of guilt must have been difficult to live with, although, as you say, the OP does become a kind of addiction in it's own right.I think for me, even though I knew it was happening, there was still a bit of a release in knowing that I wasn't paranoid or completely mad. My W says that she has to do this for herself, and can't consider anymore, staying in an unhappy M for our boys, her Mum, or for me. She's done with the selfless part now, and I empathise with how she feels. It must have been so difficult for her to live with this for so long. It's very very strange though, to see her so withdrawn, cold, and bitter because that's so opposite to her character. I accept that is really only directed toward me, although she does seem to have become more fiery, verbal and slightly aggressive. I think she is just showing how strong and independent she has become. I don't think that's a bad thing, and I am genuinely happy for her that she is rediscovering herself and feels "alive" again.
I appreciate how horrendous it must have been to feel "trapped" and unable to escape your situation, and to have to stay only because your financial situation demanded it. I think it's a shame that your H decided not to accept any culpability for the unhappiness in your life. It was probably easier for him to focus the blame toward you and your indiscretion. I can perhaps understand that, but knowing what I do now, it is absolutely not the way to go. Even though I know this, it still hurts like hell that she's involved with him, but I must accept that I cannot control or affect that, other than by being the best man that I can be.
Being separated, it's very very difficult to find opportunities to "outshine" OM, particularly when I know how much they talk to one another. That's the reason that I am trying so hard to work toward friendship with her, to show her that I am strong, and that I can live with things. I do have worries about appearing "doormat" like, esp when my self esteem is so low. But I know she gets so worried and stressed about me coming home sometimes, I think it's vital that we can get to the point where we can be friends again, and not have this constant "see-saw" thing, where one week it's really nice, and then the next, it's more upset. I am dealing with it better though. It helps now that she's not talking about OM so much, and although I don't get to know how their relationship is progressing anymore, I figure it's better that way as I don't feel quite so emotionally destroyed when we interact. It does help me get through my visits home.
It is very painful to go back home and to see her, and to live with this new reality. Especially as I am still so very much in love with her. I've loved her for 20 years, and it's very difficult to detatch, and imagine the prospect of life without her as my partner after so long.
I do think it's a good thing too that I still love her and I am willing to fight on, although part of me wishes that I really didn't. Nobody said love and M was easy. Reckon I've had it easy for too long, and I feel sure that she's felt taken for granted. In truth, I don't think I have taken her for granted, but for sure, I haven't done enough in the past to sustain our love and R.
I appreciate your understanding about looking at porn and still desiring my wife. It's something that many woman, my wife included, do not understand. I think what's important though, is that it doesn't matter what my perceptions were of it. What's important is, that she felt deeply disrespected, not capable of fulfilling my needs sexually, and ultimately, betrayed. I have spent so long denying that I had a problem with sex, as I've always been a sexual person, but I am taking this opportunity to confront the real issues behind my behaviour, and to rewire my thinking about the damage it has done to me and my family.
Actually it matters little whether it's an online thing, a PA, or porn. The sense of betrayal for the spouse is sometimes just as great I think.
At the moment, I'm a little worried about the "doormat" thing, as I realise the importance of earning her respect again, and I'm not always sure how to do that and what lines to draw up. I'm just trying to make the very best of all the interactions that we have now, and to make our time together less strained and easy.
I'd love to hear more about your feelings on what I might or might not be doing re the doormat business. BTW, I laughed out loud when I read the bit about the OM trying to get into your panties!! Fantastic.
It's truly wonderful that you've taken the time to give me a unique personal insight into the mind of a woman in this situation, even though I am making strenuous efforts to learn about how this is for a W from books, the forum etc.
You might have realised that TwinDad had been helping with my sitch so much, and that he has had to stop posting here. He was really fantastic to me, and it's amazing that I can now interact with you here too. I can't tell you how grateful I am Sandi.
I really hope that you do find true happiness and contentment in your life, regardless of how it might come about.
Take care, G.
me: 45 w: 43 Married 19yrs Separated 6 months 2 children Bomb April2008 OM/EA May 2008. Not filed yet.
