Searching for me again

[ACJ]

Threads always lock when you are asleep!

As I mentioned in my last post I have been very contemplative of late. I realised that I have less self esteem now than just a few months after H left. In fact I think I am probably back where I was just before he left!

I know some of the reasons why. Some I can alter again some I can't.

I've always had low esteem of body image (even when I was a teenager) and when I lost so much weight when H left it actually felt good to be slim again. I know when I look back at the photos from that time that I was too gaunt but little by little I've put most of it back on again and although I am a slightly different shape I am back to struggling to find clothes that I feel attractive and nice in. The proverbial 3 baby tummy is my main demon! I can try and get the weight back in check but it is hard especially when D13 is going through a junk food stage right now.

The other thing that I made myself do once I'd got over the initial pain of loosing H was to go out and force myself to meet new people. That has also dropped off considerably this year. There are a couple of reasons the main one being that I made two really good friends and didn't feel the compulsion to be meeting 'strangers' all the time. However these two lovely ladies seem to have moved on with thier lives for one reason or another and whilst we are still friends I don't see as much of them so I am feeling very lonely again. So I have resolved to try and do more with the social networking club I joined nearly 2 years ago. I obviously have to balance this with my financial situation at the moment and the fact that once D18 goes to uni D13 will be home alone if I go out but I think I can (and should) manage a night out once a month. We will see how it goes.

I think I've found a temporary solution to my financial worries but how long it will be sufficient once D18 starts uni I've no idea. I've also no idea how I will pay my Ls fees once the D is done and dusted (if H ever puts the papers in).

I know the advice here has always been 'make it about you' and in the main I have tried to do this but now I really need to do this for my own sanity.

I'm lonely not just for friends but for a partner. This is a real struggle for me as I don't see how I can say I am standing for my M if I date. Don't get me wrong I haven't been looking for dates and there certainly haven't been any offers but as time goes on it does cross my mind more and more. I know im my head I've let go of H, we never communicate on anything now unless he rings up to shout at me about something or other. At this point I hang up as I'm not allowing him to emotionally abuse me anymore but I know in my heart he is still there and probably always will be. I've even started to wear my wedding ring and engagement ring on the left hand again. Confusion most definately rules the day here I don't know whether I have hope anymore or if this has just become a battle that I feel I must win (I know I won't).

Anyway it's time to leave the sadness behind and look to a brighter, happier future (whatever that may look like). I need your help with that as those of you who are 'regulars' on my thread will know I stumble and fall very easily.

I hope you will continue to be there to catch me when I fall.

Thank you