Any WAHs on this board?

[istherehope]

Hi,

I know this board is for WAS to support each other, but I was just wondering whether any of these spouses were men? I would love to get the perspective of a WAH, so that I could get a better insight into what my H is going through, and how best to relate during this time.

Thanks so much!

ITH

[nothavingfun]

I am not a wah. I have only been walked away from. But ask your questions. Some people here have some really good insight. Just because we didn't walk, doesn't mean we didn't have the feelings your H is going through.

[istherehope]

Hi NHF,

Thanks for this, so I will ask some questions...

Basically my husband is really depressed, as in he was nearly suicidal, but he says that he is now coming out of his depression, only thing is he is so terrified to be with me again, and says that it was just so bad he doesn't know if he can go back there, and he doesn't know if he will want to be married when he's out of this. It makes him panic to think of being in the same house with me...

I've moved away for 3 months, and it has been 4 weeks so far, during which time he's started to feel better about himself, but has pulled back for the relationship more and more. Yesterday he was so open (and hurtful) about how he's feeling. I told him that I was committed to the marriage, and even if it took a year, I didn't mind. The usual I want you to be happy, and I can't pretend to feel one way thing came up...he said he hasn't closed the door on the marriage, but it sure feels that way. However he did say that he missed me on one small occasion, and he did reach out yesterday and I know he cares about my feelings still.

So, from a WAH perspective, I'm just wondering what this "I don't know if I can be married" thing is all about. He said that he didn't know if he had anything to give or receive, even when I said I would be willing to wait as a friend and a roommate while he worked on himself.

Also, why the panic about being around someone? For the last 6 weeks we have gotten along well, not argued, and he believes that I have changed in the ways he wanted me to, or so he says.

Just wondering how it is possible to get someone off of the fence, from a hesitant "trying not to close the door completely", to a semi-committed at least showing a preference to try. I'm also wondering why a WAH would say such things, when it is clear that he still cares about me, at times misses me, and even likes me.

Finally, if he has that ILYBNILWY feeling (I assume this, he hasn't said it in so many words), how does someone decide to try and get it back?

Is there anything that I can do toward any of these things?

Thanks so much for any insight,

ITH

[nothavingfun]

ITH,

If you have made changes that he has already noticed, that is a great start. Most people do not get that chance.

I would think he is panicy around you because he is unsure of his feelings and doesn't want to lead you on thinking, "its all back to good". He doesn't want to hurt you so it seems he panics.

I'll try to explain that a little more. I recently broke up with a woman who had a lot more feelings for me. I could see it, I could feel it. I like her but I am not in love with her. I Know I would never be. We still hang out and I can feel her wanting to reach out and hold my hand or just touch me but I feel if I were to initiate that, I would be leading her on so I get uncomfortable. I would think he is going through some of those feelings.

For me, what makes me want the person I do love, is seeing them doing well without me. That is to say, it kills me to see them fine without me. I have to hope (as an LB, and that can be marraige or relationship), that what they say on here is true and we want what we cant have and not needing them is attractive.

I know what doesn't work:
Telling them you love them
Telling them you miss them
REASONING IS PROBABLY THE WORST (hope other WASs will confirm these)
Text, Calls and Emails are no good

As much as it kills you, You have to show, Your fine with his decission. You have shown you are willing to talk about the problem. You have shown changes he wanted. Now you have to show him, you don't need him.

You want him off the fence, show you don't need him.
WARNING!!!!!!!
He may not fall to the side of the fence you want. You can't force a heart but you can mess with a head. Guys see things different. I am not advicating this either just giving an example. When a guy gives up a woman and has moved on to another relationship, if he see her with another man, it does rattle him wheather he wanted her or not. So think about that in this way. You are seperated right now (if I understood your post) for another 2 months? Be happy when he calls, be busy, be out with friends and hard to get a hold of. If he asks what you are doing, tell him your doing something fun...going to a movie with "friends" the zoo whatever.

If he calls you on a friday or saturday night, don't answer. Then when you talk to him, tell him you were out dancing. First thing he is going to think is you were dancing with another man. Another Rooster in the Hen House. I am not advicating lying so you may want to go and what is stopping you? He doesn't know how he feels, why should you put your life on hold. And that will make him think.


Again, this doesn't always work the way we want. Sometimes their mind is made up. This is not proffessional advice but it is advice from someone who as a LB has been crushed to hear these things about the person I cared for. Why not turn the talbes?

Hope to hear more from you. I didn't think you were coming back.

[istherehope]

Thanks NHF,

I'm here regularly--an obsessive poster on the separated board. I have a thread there now 'Faking it til I make it in Wroclaw'.

To complicate matters in my situation,I'm living in Poland for this time, while he's in Ireland, and we're both American.

He's also very depressed, so I need to be careful not to seem like I'm getting on TOO much, as I don't want to actually make him worry about me. He has said that he knows I'm having an adventure (really I'm faking it at the moment, but that's the beauty of being in another country--he'll never know), so I think he thinks I'm doing well. As you've said, those days on which for whatever reason I haven't been available right away when he IMs, he usually gets a little more interested. Still with someone who's so depressed, I do need to be somewhat careful.

Thing is I am sure right now he feels empty, and like he is not in love with me. He hasn't said this, but he is being very careful about this I think. So, I am sure you're right that he's trying to not to lead me on, which does make me sick since he's my husband...

We are separated for at least another 2 months. This is when I get back to Dublin, but I am pretty sure he wants more time, at least according to his conversation yesterday.

Good news is I haven't said I love you. I haven't been saying I miss you, though yesterday I did ask him if he missed me...to be fair he did say he did once.

We have a joint counseling phone session tonight, so I am going to try to only validate, act positive, and see what comes about.

Thanks for the tip on the reasoning too. I know I do this a bit, I think it's gut reaction to do this...

I appreciate all of your insight, and I'll be posting the followup from tonight's call on my thread in the separated section...

ITH

[nothavingfun]

WOW ITH,

you do post a lot!!!!

[nothavingfun]

ITH,

I think the best book I have read to explain the "Basic Man" and his thinking would be men are from mars women are from venus.

If you can read this book, it really can give you an insite to how the general man thinks and behaves.

[istherehope]

Thanks NHF,

I recently got this book, so it's great to hear from a man that it actually is accurate.

ITH

[nothavingfun]

We love to man cave. It truly is how we solve our internal conflicts

[istherehope]

Hi NHF,

How long can cave time take? My H and I have been apart now for over 30 days. He is starting to make progress in himself, but I am pretty worried that he won't feel anything for me anymore when he sees me since he will have been "in his cave" for so long.

The book says that men aren't like this, that they can snap back and that it's women who need time to reconnect. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Thanks,
ITH